Filling the Pussy

[billy]

1st edit, thanks for all the imput changes listed below the poem apart from an odd comma or period

---

Filling the Pussy
There is a wonky-headed cat that's stood
behind my 'puter screen, just to the right.
It's laden down with coins; not bollywood
-en nickels or, lead pennies dullish white
A five or single peso piece is flung
up on a slot within its arching back,
above a plastic-belly buttoned bung
that's nestled near a de-glazed hairline crack.
So far I haven't saved enough to buy
a house, a car, a bike, or pair of shoes.
It hurts to let my sleeping coinage lie;
I'd much prefer a prostitute or booze.
Some days my wallet makes me cry
then counting up the change I sing the blues.

---

stanza 1: L1; [wonky-headed] cat hyphenated. L1 puter (i thought i'd used the (') before it) to ['puter].L4; em dash before [-en]. L4; bright to [white]
stanza 2: L1; rhyme changed, pop to [flung]. L2; into to [up on]. L2; it's to [its]. L3; stop changed to [bung]. L3: [belly-buttoned] hyphenated.
stanza 3; the end couplet:  line mainly rewrote and out changed to[cry] removed the silly cat comment

original:
Filling the Pussy
There is a wonky headed cat that's stood
behind my puter screen, just to the right
It's laden down with coins; not bollywood
en nickels or, lead pennies dullish bright
A five or single peso piece I pop
into a slot within it's arching back,
above a plastic-belly buttoned stop
that's nestled near a de-glazed hairline crack.
So far I haven't saved enough to buy
a house, a car, a bike or pair of shoes;
It hurts to let my sleeping coinage lie.
I'd much prefer a prostitute or booze.
Some days I turn my pockets inside out
then counting up the change I sing the blues.

---

i'm still not sure about the fem rule, as it is i have a line with 5 and a half foot ending with a fem followed by a 4 and a 1/2 foot line beginning with a stress. changed bollywooden to
bollywood
en nickles
after leanne pointed out the cocked up rhyme.

[Leanne]

To make that rhyme work you'd have to have 'stood-en/bollywood-en'... or alternatively, just 'bollywood' then start the next line with '-en' and be a proper rebel

Otherwise, it all scans pretty well and I really like that sestet. Not super sure about 'dullish bright', although it's not a bad description and I get where you're coming from -- but some pedant's going to come along and tell you off about it, I'll bet! (I would never...)

[billy]

bastard yes.

originally i had

It's laden down with coins; not bollywood-
en nickels or, lead pennies dullish bright.

and felt it too gimmicky.
i tried to create an oxymoron. i can come up with something else should it fail.

thanks for the feedback

i just read the rest of your post i'll do as you suggest

[Leanne]

So, you pretty much had what I suggested and then you changed it... should've known better...

[billy]

i never had an em dash in front of it though

[Erthona]

Whoa,  I was writing this review and by the time I got around to posting it the entire poem had disappeared.

bill-hee,

This line gives me trouble:

nic-kels or lead penn-ies dull-ish bright

"Or" can be either stressed or unstressed. Here it would be stressed, according to milo, because of the rule of three. Sp technically it is correct, however knowing that still does not change my ear from hearing the first foot as dactyl. So for me the line was disruptive. I imagine it is not for most other people. I suspect it is an attribute of my mind, rather than any failure of your meter. Still I include it just in case.  
_________________________________________________________________
I'm not sure what a "a plastic-belly buttoned stop" is. Is stop, short for stopper? Do you mean it like plug, the place where one can extract the money?
___________________________________________________________________
The quirky lineation aside, this is one rhyme away from a sonnet
_________________________________________________________________

Overall this seems more a practice piece, than a finished work. The humor is rudimentary and weak. The title relies upon a trite pun. The meter seems accurate, but does not seem to energize the poem much in any way. The meter, rather than being a functioning part of the poem, seems to be saying, "Look, I wrote consistent meter all the way through." Thus the feeling of a practice piece. Saying at the end, "the cat is actually on the right of my table but who cares," is tantamount to saying, I'm not a good enough writer to take the facts at hand and use them as is, but I must resort to trickery. Admitting that only serves to weaken the poem, even if in retrospect. There are just certain things one should not admit to the reader, such occasion as this would be one of them. A writer should give the impression that he does not write tentatively. He should impart confidence to the work. After all, if he does not, who will?

A final note. Something that must always be taken into consideration is the idea about the forms appropriateness to the content. It is great that you want to hone your skills on IP, and its subtle intricacies, however is it the best form for the content? Depending the skill of the writer, I suppose any form could be put to whatever use he saw fit, how, is it being put to the best use and is there a form that would better fit the material? The rule of thumb is that the longer the line the more weight or seriousness it imparts, whereas the shorter the line the less seriousness and weight it imparts. Just a thought.

Dale   

[tectak]

Filling the Pussy

There is a wonky headed cat that's stood "wonky-headed" or the whole cat is wonky and headed. Hard to avoid the emphasis on "is" without reverting to "there's" , so buggering up your meter. Leave as is and L1 and L2 become your spoken word template. Anywhoo, it works for me.
behind my puter screen, just to the right. p'haps 'puter?
It's laden down with coins; not bollywood OK so far  but I see the problem looming...so do youand it's is correct
en nickels or, lead pennies dullish bright. Instead of "en" you could up the descriptor density with, say "stage" or "prop nickels" So
" It's laden down with coins; not bollywood
stage nickels or lead pennies, dull  not bright." Still OK? Your poem and you DID ask about emphases. Enough...and  bollywooden is cute.

A five or single peso piece I pop
into a slot within it's arching back, "up on", two words rather than "within", wrong word...but you know your pussy and where her slot is.but its here
above a plastic-belly buttoned stop Again. " above a plastic belly-buttoned stop"
that's nestled near a de-glazed hairline crack. Just fuckin sweet, billy. Sweet

So far I haven't saved enough to buy
a house, a car, a bike or pair of shoes; Period. This sentence is done to a turn.
It hurts to let my sleeping coinage lie ...but if you still have that semicolon, here would do.
I'd much prefer a prostitute or booze.
Some days I turn my pockets inside out
then counting up the change I sing the blues. Love it. Love it. Generic blues ending. Dah dah de dah dah de dah dah de do.

---

i'm still not sure about the fem rule, as it is i have a line with 5 and a half foot ending with a fem followed by a 4 and a 1/2 foot line beginning with a stress. the cat is actually on the right of my table but who cares changed bollywooden to
''''''bollywood
en nickles
after leanne pointed out the cocked up rhyme.

No real problems here, billy. Don't stress over stress. Just read it out loud. You should hear yourself.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

thanks guy's. i like the idea of plug instead of stop. i also see the merit of mentioning where it actually was. in truth it stood for years on the rights till my partner tidied up my desk (there has to be a poem in there somewhere )
some of toms punctuation ideas look better than mine so i'll check them over.
i'm pretty much still with -en nickles though i'll think about the meter on that line and may do something with the rhyme if i change the en
thanks for the heads up on the couplet dale. will also sort out the end rhyme of
Some days I turn my pockets inside out <------
then counting up the change I sing the blues.

[billy]

oops, it has a head thats wonky, like one of those things with a head

[fromcancertocapricorn]

Filling the Pussy

There is a wonky headed cat that's stood
behind my puter screen, just to the right
It's laden down with coins; not bollywood
en nickels or, lead pennies dullish bright

A five or single peso piece I pop
into a slot within it's arching back,
above a plastic-belly buttoned stop
that's nestled near a de-glazed hairline crack.

So far I haven't saved enough to buy
a house, a car, a bike or pair of shoes;
It hurts to let my sleeping coinage lie.
I'd much prefer a prostitute or booze.
Some days I turn my pockets inside out
then counting up the change I sing the blues.

---

i'm still not sure about the fem rule, as it is i have a line with 5 and a half foot ending with a fem followed by a 4 and a 1/2 foot line beginning with a stress. the cat is actually on the right of my table but who cares changed bollywooden to
''''''bollywood
en nickles
after leanne pointed out the cocked up rhyme.

As it seems meter and rhyme have been thoroughly covered by some other members, I wanted to address some of the diction problems in this poem. First, "puter" seems out of place, given the rest of the poem does not rely on vernacular. Side-note, I believe "it's" should be "its." The addition of the bike to your list seems repetitive, you already have (or can't pay for) a mode of transportation. I would substitute something more useful to the poem. In all honesty though, there's just something incredibly annoying about this poem that I can't quite pin down. It's like it's pretentious in a non-pretentious way. Maybe it's just my aversion to poems with rhyme and meter. Also, the title is out of place in the poem. You can't title a poem that uses the words "laden" and "dullish bright" Filling the Pussy. I get the joke, but it's out of place with the rest of the poem.

[billy]

sometimes the more a point is pointed out the more weight it carries.
no defence for 'puter i just used it with the apostrophe to make it fit the meter. which it's? ah. i see which one, well spotted. it's things like that that shouldn't really happen if you post in serious. i'll fix it on the edit. without arguing, i do have to ask why you can't title a poem about a cat that is a bank as i did? i think pretentious could be the correct word for it, another one that comes to mind is fluff. i do try and write serious poetry at times though. thanks for seeing the sonnet as having rhyme and meter [though i did have a rhyme that's wonky.] it really was what i was aiming for. next time i write a sonnet i'll forgo the rhyme and meter . on a more serious note; more than anything thanks for taking the time to read and reply it's appreciated more than you know. ><

As it seems meter and rhyme have been thoroughly covered by some other members, I wanted to address some of the diction problems in this poem. First, "puter" seems out of place, given the rest of the poem does not rely on vernacular. Side-note, I believe "it's" should be "its." The addition of the bike to your list seems repetitive, you already have (or can't pay for) a mode of transportation. I would substitute something more useful to the poem. In all honesty though, there's just something incredibly annoying about this poem that I can't quite pin down. It's like it's pretentious in a non-pretentious way. Maybe it's just my aversion to poems with rhyme and meter. Also, the title is out of place in the poem. You can't title a poem that uses the words "laden" and "dullish bright" Filling the Pussy. I get the joke, but it's out of place with the rest of the poem.

[Leah S.]

Filling the Pussy

There is a wonky headed cat that's stood Maybe it's American grammar, but I think "that's stood" stands for "that has stood", which means there should be a clause telling us how long it's stood there, or what else it's been doing while standing there. I know it's finicky, but it bugs me.
behind my puter screen, just to the right I agree with 'puter, but either way, you're forcing the meter. The sentence needs a period at the end.
It's laden down with coins; not bollywood I have no clue what a "bollywooden nickel" might be, and if your enjambment is going to amputate a word, then I say you should stitch up the wound with a hyphen.
en nickels or, lead pennies dullish bright Period.

A five or single peso piece I pop
into a slot within it's arching back, I know 'it's' is correct as the possessive, but it still looks wrong.That is because it's wrong. "It's" is foreshortened "it is". The possessive is "its". Sorry from a pedantic prat...or is it pratt?
above a plastic-belly buttoned stop It should be "plastic-belly-buttoned" or "plastic belly-buttoned." Or just take that hyphen right out of there and use it for bollywood-en.
that's nestled near a de-glazed hairline crack.

So far I haven't saved enough to buy
a house, a car, a bike or pair of shoes; I wish for a third comma after 'bike.'
It hurts to let my sleeping coinage lie.
I'd much prefer a prostitute or booze.
Some days I turn my pockets inside out
then counting up the change I sing the blues. Why the blues? So far you are vamping.

---

i'm still not sure about the fem rule, as it is i have a line with 5 and a half foot ending with a fem followed by a 4 and a 1/2 foot line beginning with a stress. the cat is actually on the right of my table but who cares changed bollywooden to
''''''bollywood
en nickles
after leanne pointed out the cocked up rhyme.

I like this poem, it's well on the way to being witty. Carry on. Leah

[billy]

hi leah. thanks for the feedback. the first line [it's] is a contraction of it is stood. as to the 2nd it's i thought it was its after someone elses feedback, now i'm not sure:d.
yes on the period L2
i say bollywooden because it's a light hearted poem and i liked the sound of it and the play on words but i can see where you come from with it.
the hyphen can go.
yes on comma after bike (i'll take your word on it as my punctuation sucks)
blues to rhyme with the word i should have used instead of out (i cocked it up, the out line should have rhymed with buy/lie.

thanks for taking the time to read and for leaving some solid feedback, it'll help me when i edit.

[billy]

1st edit, thanks for all the imput changes listed below the poem apart from an odd comma or period

---

Filling the Pussy

There is a wonky-headed cat that's stood
behind my 'puter screen, just to the right.
It's laden down with coins; not bollywood
-en nickels or, lead pennies dullish white

A five or single peso piece is flung
up on a slot within its arching back,
above a plastic-belly buttoned bung
that's nestled near a de-glazed hairline crack.

So far I haven't saved enough to buy
a house, a car, a bike, or pair of shoes.
It hurts to let my sleeping coinage lie;
I'd much prefer a prostitute or booze.
Some days my wallet makes me cry
then counting up the change I sing the blues.

---

stanza 1: L1; [wonky-headed] cat hyphenated. L1 puter (i thought i'd used the (') before it) to ['puter].L4; em dash before [-en]. L4; bright to [white]

stanza 2: L1; rhyme changed, pop to [flung]. L2; into to [up on]. L2; it's to [its]. L3; stop changed to [bung]. L3: [belly-buttoned] hyphenated.

stanza 3; the end couplet:  line mainly rewrote and out changed to[cry]