Seuss Saves the Night (edit 3)

[ellajam]

edit #3


Seuss Saves the Night

With no jacket, toothbrush or teddy
he's dropped off at bedtime so Dad can party.
He runs back to the door, "Noooo".

His Grands hush, cajole, conspire their way to calm.
With a sidelong glance at the I-Pad he says
"Green Eggs and Ham," and out leaps Sam.

"Sam I am." A flick turns the page,
the story now bedazzled with each word repeated
as many times as a young finger can click.

Sam still fights, tastes, then likes the unknown.
In makeshift pajamas fashioned from old Capris,
giggles break through sleepover tears.

Edit #2 (billy, erthona)

Seuss Saves the Night

The boy's dropped at Grandpa's so Dad can party.
With no jacket, toothbrush or teddy
he runs back to the door, "Noooo".

They hush, cajole, conspire their way to calm.
With a sidelong glance at the I-Pad he says
"I like Green Eggs and Ham," and out leaps Sam.

"Sam I am." A flick turns the page, each word repeated
as many times as a young finger can click.
Sam still tastes the unknown; both grin when he likes it.

In makeshift pajamas fashioned
from drawstring Capris his aunt left behind,
giggles break through sleepover tears.


edit one (Jeremy and Loretta Young, first_high)

Grands Do Seuss

Upset by an abrupt bedtime drop-off,
finally finished with "But, I want Dad"
he sneaks a sidelong glance at the I-Pad.
"What percent do you have? I like Green Eggs and Ham."
We consider the choices: Read to me, read it myself, auto-play.

Out leaps Sam. "I am Sam, Sam I am."
A flick turns the page, each word repeated
as many times as a young finger can click.
Sam still tries the unknown; we still grin when he likes it.

In makeshift pajamas fashioned
from drawstring Capris his aunt left behind,
giggles break through sleepover tears.


Original:

Good Medicine Stands the Test of Time

Upset by an unplanned
bedtime drop-off, with a sidelong glance
he asks "What percent do you have?
Is it forty?" "Let's see, seventy-two, go ahead."
We consider the choices:
Read to me, read it myself, auto-play.

Out he leaps, my old friend Sam.
"I am Sam, Sam I am."
Five clicks on one spot say Sam, Sam, Sam,
Sam, Sam; ten taps shout Ham Ham Ham,
Ham Ham Ham, Ham, Ham Ham Ham.
Even on retina display, Sam still tries the unknown;
we still grin when he likes it.

In makeshift pajamas fashioned
from drawstring Capris his aunt left behind,
giggles break through sleepover tears.
Thank you, Dr. Seuss.

[ellajam]

I'm not sure it needs the last line.

Thanks. You're probably right. The original title was Grands Do Seuss, 2015, that would eliminate the need for a second mention.

I appreciate the read and comment. Welcome back.

[first_high_of_the_day]

Good Medicine Stands the Test of Time

Upset by an unplanned
bedtime drop-off, with a sidelong glance
he asks "What percent do you have? #
Is it forty?" "Let's see, seventy-two, go ahead." #Do these 2 lines add anything to the overall meaning or experience of the poem? Not for me. They were just distracting.
We consider the choices:
Read to me, read it myself, auto-play.

Out he leaps, my old friend Sam.
"I am Sam, Sam I am."
Five clicks on one spot say Sam, Sam, Sam,
Sam, Sam; ten taps shout Ham Ham Ham,
Ham Ham Ham, Ham, Ham Ham Ham. #Do you really need 10 taps here? As a reader, this level of repetition breaks the fourth wall and leaves me detached and lazy.
Even on retina display, Sam still tries the unknown;
we still grin when he likes it.

In makeshift pajamas fashioned
from drawstring Capris his aunt left behind,
giggles break through sleepover tears.
Thank you, Dr. Seuss.

I left a couple notes on lines that stood out to me. Overall, I felt I understood what was trying to be conveyed. The last stanza is certainly the strongest, with each line essential to the story. The other stanzas are weak. The first stanza should have focused on something besides the battery percentage. The second stanza is far too lazy. There's other ways to express repetition than flat out saying Ham ten times.

Something you could have added:
Was there a dr. seuss quote in this entire piece? The second stanza could really be helped out by this. Maybe how you two shared enthusiasm for the same line.

[ellajam]

Good Medicine Stands the Test of Time

Upset by an unplanned
bedtime drop-off, with a sidelong glance
he asks "What percent do you have? #
Is it forty?" "Let's see, seventy-two, go ahead." #Do these 2 lines add anything to the overall meaning or experience of the poem? Not for me. They were just distracting.
We consider the choices:
Read to me, read it myself, auto-play.

Out he leaps, my old friend Sam.
"I am Sam, Sam I am."
Five clicks on one spot say Sam, Sam, Sam,
Sam, Sam; ten taps shout Ham Ham Ham,
Ham Ham Ham, Ham, Ham Ham Ham. #Do you really need 10 taps here? As a reader, this level of repetition breaks the fourth wall and leaves me detached and lazy.
Even on retina display, Sam still tries the unknown;
we still grin when he likes it.

In makeshift pajamas fashioned
from drawstring Capris his aunt left behind,
giggles break through sleepover tears.
Thank you, Dr. Seuss.

I left a couple notes on lines that stood out to me. Overall, I felt I understood what was trying to be conveyed. The last stanza is certainly the strongest, with each line essential to the story. The other stanzas are weak. The first stanza should have focused on something besides the battery percentage. The second stanza is far too lazy. There's other ways to express repetition than flat out saying Ham ten times.

Something you could have added:
Was there a dr. seuss quote in this entire piece? The second stanza could really be helped out by this. Maybe how you two shared enthusiasm for the same line.

hi, welcome to the site and thank you for the careful read and helpful critique.

Regarding the percentage lines, I found it interesting that a five year old questions how charged the device is before he asks to use it, quite different than picking up a book, which is always charged. I may be the only person amused, or I may not have expressed the point well, thanks for pointing out the problem.

On the repeated Hams, ten does not come close to the actual experience. I tried to share it but three may be enough. It certainly differed from the book experience.

The quoted italics "I am Sam, Sam I am" is an actual quote.

Thanks for the notes, I'll see if I can bring the whole up to the last three lines.

Hope you enjoy the site.

[LorettaYoung]

Good Medicine Stands the Test of Time

Upset by an unplanned
bedtime drop-off, with a sidelong glance
he asks "What percent do you have?
Is it forty?" "Let's see, seventy-two, go ahead."
We consider the choices:
Read to me, read it myself, auto-play.

Out he leaps, my old friend Sam.
"I am Sam, Sam I am."
Five clicks on one spot say Sam, Sam, Sam,
Sam, Sam; ten taps shout Ham Ham Ham,
Ham Ham Ham, Ham, Ham Ham Ham.
Even on retina display, Sam still tries the unknown;
we still grin when he likes it.

In makeshift pajamas fashioned
from drawstring Capris his aunt left behind,
giggles break through sleepover tears.
Thank you, Dr. Seuss.

Darn, still don't know how to write on a post.  You know I'm not great at free form, but I have a few suggestions.

Upset by an unplanned (maybe surprised, sudden,) bedtime drop-off
with a sidelong glance he asks
"What percent do you have"?
"Is it forty"
I would consider combining the last two lines
I think the last a bit awkward? 
I think S 2 does have too many hams, I know it relates to ten, But, how about three taps
I would loose the retina display; can Sam delightfully dive into.......
I think the sleepover tears are endearing,

Just a few timid suggestions, but hope it helps. Best Loretta

[ellajam]

Good Medicine Stands the Test of Time

Upset by an unplanned
bedtime drop-off, with a sidelong glance
he asks "What percent do you have?
Is it forty?" "Let's see, seventy-two, go ahead."
We consider the choices:
Read to me, read it myself, auto-play.

Out he leaps, my old friend Sam.
"I am Sam, Sam I am."
Five clicks on one spot say Sam, Sam, Sam,
Sam, Sam; ten taps shout Ham Ham Ham,
Ham Ham Ham, Ham, Ham Ham Ham.
Even on retina display, Sam still tries the unknown;
we still grin when he likes it.

In makeshift pajamas fashioned
from drawstring Capris his aunt left behind,
giggles break through sleepover tears.
Thank you, Dr. Seuss.

Darn, still don't know how to write on a post.  You know I'm not great at free form, but I have a few suggestions.

Upset by an unplanned (maybe surprised, sudden,) bedtime drop-off
with a sidelong glance he asks
"What percent do you have"?
"Is it forty"
I would consider combining the last two lines
I think the last a bit awkward? 
I think S 2 does have too many hams, I know it relates to ten, But, how about three taps
I would loose the retina display; can Sam delightfully dive into.......
I think the sleepover tears are endearing,

Just a few timid suggestions, but hope it helps. Best Loretta

Thanks, Loretta, I think your comments will really be helpful towards an edit. Much appreciated.
(I guess no one wants to have ham yelled at them a hundred times, I'm not sure why a five year old finds it so funny )

[ellajam]

Well, I've tried an edit, a second look from the few inclined would be appreciated, if not we'll just put this poor boy to bed.

[LorettaYoung]

Well, I've tried an edit, a second look from the few inclined would be appreciated, if not we'll just put this poor boy to bed.

Ellijam: I really like the edit, it reads much better. Good job. Best Loretta

[just mercedes]

I think the edit reads smoothly - lovely image! I didn't mind the repetition of words - that's what kids love.

[billy]

hi ella. just a few comments on the edit.
who are grands? are they grandparents. or grandpa?

in truth i think it bloody lovely ella, though i am struggling to work out what's going on. i know a child is involved and the seuss book/ebook but need a few transitions or indications as to who is who and what is what

edit one (Jeremy and Loretta Young, first_high)

Grands Do Seuss

Upset by an abrupt bedtime drop-off,
finally finished with "But, I want Dad"  i was once told to place quotes on their own lines, while it's not always workable, i think it is in this poem [it would add a bit of tension]
he sneaks a sidelong glance at the I-Pad.
"What percent do you have? I like Green Eggs and Ham."
We consider the choices: Read to me, read it myself, auto-play. i'm not exactly sure who's saying what and why?

Out leaps Sam. "I am Sam, Sam I am."
A flick turns the page, each word repeated
as many times as a young finger can click.
Sam still tries the unknown; we still grin when he likes it.

In makeshift pajamas fashioned
from drawstring Capris his aunt left behind,
giggles break through sleepover tears.

[Erthona]

Hi ella, in both editions I cannot tell who is who, or really what the setup is, or why it is that way. I would like to know those things as it provides context for the piece.

Here is an example with how you are writing things.

"Upset by an abrupt bedtime drop-off, who is upset and what is a bed drop-off
finally finished with "But, I want Dad"" what is finally finished "with" the bed drop off, or the "But, I want Dad"?

why is the (we assume little girl) child saying, "but, I want my dad" Does this mean the child has her mother instead but wants her father there, or is it a sibling or her grandmother? I get so caught up in trying to decide these things I cannot get into the story. I am all for brevity, but not at the sake of clarity.

context please,

Dale

[ellajam]

I think the edit reads smoothly - lovely image! I didn't mind the repetition of words - that's what kids love.

Thanks for the read, JM, much appreciated. I thought the repeats were fun and gave a sense of the experience but it seems most thought it more irritating than funny. Thanks for getting it.

hi ella. just a few comments on the edit.
who are grands? are they grandparents. or grandpa?

in truth i think it bloody lovely ella, though i am struggling to work out what's going on. i know a child is involved and the seuss book/ebook but need a few transitions or indications as to who is who and what is what

edit one (Jeremy and Loretta Young, first_high)

Grands Do Seuss

Upset by an abrupt bedtime drop-off,
finally finished with "But, I want Dad"  i was once told to place quotes on their own lines, while it's not always workable, i think it is in this poem [it would add a bit of tension]
he sneaks a sidelong glance at the I-Pad.
"What percent do you have? I like Green Eggs and Ham."
We consider the choices: Read to me, read it myself, auto-play. i'm not exactly sure who's saying what and why?

Out leaps Sam. "I am Sam, Sam I am."
A flick turns the page, each word repeated
as many times as a young finger can click.
Sam still tries the unknown; we still grin when he likes it.

In makeshift pajamas fashioned
from drawstring Capris his aunt left behind,
giggles break through sleepover tears.

Hey, Billy, thanks for the read and notes. Grands are grandparents or grandkids, in this case both, Seuss bridging of the generation gap, but I guess that didn't work. Bad when the title makes the poem even murkier. I'll try to think of something better.

The how to read the book is how the kids' ebooks start, wrong of me to assume that was common knowledge, I'll try to clarify.

Thanks for the bloody lovely comment, it encourages me to try to sort this out, I must remember to be so kind to others.

Hi ella, in both editions I cannot tell who is who, or really what the setup is, or why it is that way. I would like to know those things as it provides context for the piece.

Here is an example with how you are writing things.

"Upset by an abrupt bedtime drop-off,   who is upset and what is a bed drop-off
finally finished with "But, I want Dad""    what is finally finished "with" the bed drop off, or the "But, I want Dad"?

why is the (we assume little girl) child saying, "but, I want my dad" Does this mean the child has her mother instead but wants her father there, or is it a sibling or her grandmother? I get so caught up in trying to decide these things I cannot get into the story. I am all for brevity, but not at the sake of clarity.

context please,

Dale

I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON! WHY DON'T YOU?  
Thank you Dale, I thought it was just boredom with bad poetry that had members passing this by, I had no idea the image was so fuzzy, my mind knows every detail.

There is a he in L4, so that should have killed the little girl, but I can see your head was already spinning from bedtime drop-off so it was a lost cause from the start. I am sure you were not alone.

I'll surely rethink this with your frustration in mind, did you get past S1, anything at all solid for you?

Much appreciate the time you took to comment, I'll try to fill the gaps.

[ellajam]

I've tried a new edit and find myself facing two problems I face often. The first is not being sure what the main focus of the poem is myself, in this case the boy or reading then vs now. The second problem is when all I've started with is a weak flailing attempt at a metaphor that I haven't worked through, when I edit to give more detail it loses whatever slight poetic value it started with. Up against the wall again, good thing I enjoy this stuff cause I sure am a slow learner. I love the pig pen because better to know you're naked than walk around in the emperor's new clothes.

[milo]

Edit #2 (billy, erthona)

Seuss Saves the Night

The boy's dropped at Grandpa's so Dad can party.
With no jacket, toothbrush or teddy
he runs back to the door, "Noooo".

They hush, cajole, conspire their way to calm.
With a sidelong glance at the I-Pad he says
"I like Green Eggs and Ham," and out leaps Sam.

"Sam I am." A flick turns the page, each word repeated
as many times as a young finger can click.
Sam still tastes the unknown; both grin when he likes it.

In makeshift pajamas fashioned
from drawstring Capris his aunt left behind,
giggles break through sleepover tears.

TBH, it reads like you are trying too hard to stick to the facts, ma'am, IYKWIM.  I think you need to allow yourself some room to breathe, allow the poem to be more or less as the metaphor and language move you.  Maybe experiment with telling it deliberately wrong to see what happens.  Maybe you dropped the kid.  Maybe the dog ate him.  Who knows.

Also, as closure, i think the part about his aunt's Capris could be weaved better.  i don't know who his aunt is.  Should I?  is this important?

[ellajam]

Edit #2 (billy, erthona)

Seuss Saves the Night

The boy's dropped at Grandpa's so Dad can party.
With no jacket, toothbrush or teddy
he runs back to the door, "Noooo".

They hush, cajole, conspire their way to calm.
With a sidelong glance at the I-Pad he says
"I like Green Eggs and Ham," and out leaps Sam.

"Sam I am." A flick turns the page, each word repeated
as many times as a young finger can click.
Sam still tastes the unknown; both grin when he likes it.

In makeshift pajamas fashioned
from drawstring Capris his aunt left behind,
giggles break through sleepover tears.

TBH, it reads like you are trying too hard to stick to the facts, ma'am, IYKWIM.  I think you need to allow yourself some room to breathe, allow the poem to be more or less as the metaphor and language move you.  Maybe experiment with telling it deliberately wrong to see what happens.  Maybe you dropped the kid.  Maybe the dog ate him.  Who knows.

Also, as closure, i think the part about his aunt's Capris could be weaved better.  i don't know who his aunt is.  Should I?  is this important?

Yep, I tried to give more info, personally I like HAM HAM HAM HAM.
You are right about the aunt, I just put her in cause that's why I have old crap around that will work as a 5 year old's pjs, but that's a whole nother story, it doesn't matter here.

I'll try to focus on what matters, there may be something in there, I'll try your advice. I appreciate the read and the time taken to comment.

[milo]

Edit #2 (billy, erthona)

Seuss Saves the Night

The boy's dropped at Grandpa's so Dad can party.
With no jacket, toothbrush or teddy
he runs back to the door, "Noooo".

They hush, cajole, conspire their way to calm.
With a sidelong glance at the I-Pad he says
"I like Green Eggs and Ham," and out leaps Sam.

"Sam I am." A flick turns the page, each word repeated
as many times as a young finger can click.
Sam still tastes the unknown; both grin when he likes it.

In makeshift pajamas fashioned
from drawstring Capris his aunt left behind,
giggles break through sleepover tears.

TBH, it reads like you are trying too hard to stick to the facts, ma'am, IYKWIM.  I think you need to allow yourself some room to breathe, allow the poem to be more or less as the metaphor and language move you.  Maybe experiment with telling it deliberately wrong to see what happens.  Maybe you dropped the kid.  Maybe the dog ate him.  Who knows.

Also, as closure, i think the part about his aunt's Capris could be weaved better.  i don't know who his aunt is.  Should I?  is this important?

Yep, I tried to give more info, personally I like HAM HAM HAM HAM.
You are right about the aunt, I just put her in cause that's why I have old crap around that will work as a 5 year old's pjs, but that's a whole nother story, it doesn't matter here.

I'll try to focus on what matters, there may be something in there, I'll try your advice. I appreciate the read and the time taken to comment.

 I think the closing could be strong if you made it relevant. If they were his mother's old calories, it might drive home the relationship as well as reinforcing the generational aspect.

I think your instinct drove you straight in bonding over Sam trying it (though I was thrown the first time with what 'it' was and I have read the story 1000 times.

---

Ugh-stip is phone doesn't like capris so it makes it calories. Thank god his aunt didn't wear cavaricci's

[ellajam]

ya, it don't like capris. and ya, that's my wisp of a metaphor, Maybe an exact quota will take care of the it and I'll lose Sam I am, tho I am. And maybe I'll try to make something of my main point instead of losing it in drek.

Mom would slip into aunt's place well, thanks, milo.