There's this girl I'd like to write about

[StanleyZ]

I think this sheds an underused point of view into a poem of implicitly deep longing in a way that isn't too creepy... I think the weird is good!


There's this girl, I'd like to write about

her bosom for a few moments,

because I can't stop thinking about

how many hooks she fiddles with

in the morning. How her cups

of coffee touch her lips,

or does she drink tea?

How many bobby pins does it take

to hold her hair, and does she

hold them in her mouth while she

wraps it into a bun?

She defies gravity with pink and white stripes,

and I try not to look when she bends down

in front of me, but how can I not

think about fiddling with the hooks

on that pink and white bra, and

how can I not think about fixing her coffee, and

how can I not think about helping her

with those tangled brunette locks, or

at least hold the bobby pins, or

at least leave the sugar out, or

at least sneak a peek at her chest?

[Brownlie]

I think this sheds an underused point of view into a poem of implicitly deep longing in a way that isn't too creepy... I think the weird is good!


There's this girl, I'd like to write about

her bosom for a few moments,

because I can't stop thinking about

how many hooks she fiddles with

in the morning. How her cups

of coffee touch her lips,

or does she drink tea?

How many bobby pins does it take

to hold her hair, and does she

hold them in her mouth while she

wraps it into a bun? -- Maybe in.

She defies gravity with pink and white stripes,

and I try not to look when she bends down

in front of me, but how can I not

think about fiddling with the hooks

on that pink and white bra, and -- Perhaps small words like "that" may be considered as a type of padding. However, to go verbose may ruin the poem.

how can I not think about fixing her coffee, and

how can I not think about helping her

with those tangled brunette locks, or

at least hold the bobby pins, or

at least leave the sugar out, or

at least sneak a peek at her chest?

I basically left comments to satisfy propriety. It seems like a pretty solid poem to me. You've got some Freudian enjambment, a good tone, and you build up to a direct statement at the end. A poem like this may run the risk of being called chauvinistic, but the language seems to imply more vulnerability.

[71degrees]

I think this sheds an underused point of view into a poem of implicitly deep longing in a way that isn't too creepy... I think the weird is good!


There's this girl, I'd like to write about

her bosom for a few moments,

because I can't stop thinking about

how many hooks she fiddles with

in the morning. How her cups

of coffee touch her lips,

or does she drink tea?

How many bobby pins does it take

to hold her hair, and does she

hold them in her mouth while she

wraps it into a bun?

She defies gravity with pink and white stripes,

and I try not to look when she bends down

in front of me, but how can I not

think about fiddling with the hooks

on that pink and white bra, and

how can I not think about fixing her coffee, and

how can I not think about helping her

with those tangled brunette locks, or

at least hold the bobby pins, or

at least leave the sugar out, or

at least sneak a peek at her chest?

If you're going to break the political correctiveness code, why not go all the way and put something in there besides "chest"...you've spent the entire poem settting me up and then you cop out with "chest?"...are you really looking to sneek peek a look at something so benign as a chest? Way too wordy, too cute with all the "or's" and "at least's"....it's almost a parady at the end. But you know something...the line breaks are more than nice and from an entirely male perspective, this is exactly what men try and avoid to not look stupid. Jerry Seinfeld has made a fortune with this attitude. Decide what kind of piece you really want to write and then be more consistent toward that goal. Nice poem. I enjoyed reading this.

[StanleyZ]

I think this sheds an underused point of view into a poem of implicitly deep longing in a way that isn't too creepy... I think the weird is good!

If you're going to break the political correctiveness code, why not go all the way and put something in there besides "chest"...you've spent the entire poem settting me up and then you cop out with "chest?"...are you really looking to sneek peek a look at something so benign as a chest?  Way too wordy, too cute with all the "or's" and "at least's"....it's almost a parady at the end.  But you know something...the line breaks are more than nice and from an entirely male perspective, this is exactly what men try and avoid to not look stupid. Jerry Seinfeld has made a fortune with this attitude. Decide what kind of piece you really want to write and then be more consistent toward that goal.  Nice poem. I enjoyed reading this.

I see your point. I did want this to be cute and innocent in a way, because that's the way the chest in question makes me feel. Maybe I should elaborate just how special this chest really is, I mean when this girl bends down it's like you're in a bowling alley staring down a six-ten split! Thank you so much for your opinion, it almost encourages me more than a completely negative review. ^.^

[ABennett]

I think if this poem were written in say the 1950's it would be completely acceptable in terms of its content. I'm afraid I have to side with Brownlie that it comes off as somewhat chauvinistic (I suppose what you wrote in your most recent comment didn't help that perception much either). That isn't to say it is a bad poem by any means, I just doubt that many women - perhaps even the woman you're fawning over in the poem - would be flattered by what you're conveying here.

In terms of the poem logically, I don't think it flows particularly smoothly. We as readers are told you're going to describe a woman's bosom, but we end up hearing more about the fact that you don't know if she drinks coffee or tea and bobby pins. Consider changing the line "her bosom for a few moments,". You could even say "There's this girl, I'd like to write about/ for a few moments" thus making her bosom an aspect of your infatuation and not THE feature of it.

Just a few thoughts from a newcomer.

[Vigilante Mugshot]

From the title I guessed that this was a sappy love poem, so I laughed a little too hard when I started reading. I think your working with gold here. This poem really captures what it's like to be an adolescent boy in love.

The way she drinks coffee... To how badly you want to peak at her chest! Pure Gold.

Aside from things people have already covered, I'd shorten the lusty parts, but amp up their intensity. That would make it feel really punchy and carnal. I disagree with any criticism of this poem being chauvinistic, sophomoric at worst sure. But it's clever and I like it.

[hopefularahant]

I think this sheds an underused point of view into a poem of implicitly deep longing in a way that isn't too creepy... I think the weird is good!


There's this girl, I'd like to write about

her bosom, for a few moments,

because I can't stop thinking about

how many hooks she fiddles with<<the hooks she fiddles with

in the morning. How her cups

of coffee touch her lips,

or does she drink tea?

How many bobby pins does it take

to hold her hair, and does she

hold them in her mouth while she

wraps it into a bun?<<wording seems a little funny

She defies gravity with pink and white stripes,.

and I try not to look when she bends down

in front of me, but how can I not

think about fiddling with the hooks

on that pink and white bra, and

how can I not think about fixing her coffee, and

how can I not think about helping her

with those tangled brunette locks, or

at least hold the bobby pins, or

at least leave the sugar out, or

at least sneak a peek at her chest?

Aside from the suggestions i made, i was pleasantly surprised by this poem,as the title prepared me for something totally different.  Some of the line breaks near the begginning seem odd, or like you sort of arbitrarily broke them off for no reason.  And a few of the words seem uneccessary, just some extra weight you can cut.  Other than that, great poem!
And dont worry about being politically correct or coming across chauvinistic. If its how you wanted to write it then its fine.

[billy]

i read the feedback as it comming of as a bit male chauvenistic and to some extent i agree, i agree but i don't think you should change it. it feels light hearted and whimsical about a large (i'm presuming) pair of boobs (tits) from someone in the poem who like a biggish pair of knockers. that you wrote the poem without discernible cliche [apart from someone having their big tits fancied] i think you did a pretty good job of getting across a feeling [albeit a base feeling] of lust without being out and out filthy. [bot that i don't like a bit of filth]. i do wonder what it would be like with a fixed meter, but it works okay without one. may a word or two could be omitted but i like it almost as is. thanks for the read. [not sure the line spacing helps though unusually it didn't interfere with my reading the piece.]

I think this sheds an underused point of view into a poem of implicitly deep longing in a way that isn't too creepy... I think the weird is good!


There's this girl, I'd like to write about should it be a semi colon after girl?

her bosom for a few moments,


because I can't stop thinking about is [because] needed?

how many hooks she fiddles with i like the enjambment you're clearly aiming at.

in the morning. How her cups

of coffee touch her lips,

or does she drink tea?

How many bobby pins does it take

to hold her hair, and does she

hold them in her mouth while she

wraps it into a bun? a really solid extended image so far, there's a real feel of a specific period the reader can find. (specific to the reader) which makes the poem almost personal to them

She defies gravity with pink and white stripes,

and I try not to look when she bends down

in front of me, but how can I not

think about fiddling with the hooks

on that pink and white bra, and

how can I not think about fixing her coffee, and

how can I not think about helping her

with those tangled brunette locks, or

at least hold the bobby pins, or

at least leave the sugar out, or

at least sneak a peek at her chest?

[StanleyZ]

Thanks all for your comments. I suppose I can be a bit chauvinistic at times. For the most part the responses this poem evokes are what I was going for. I'm happy with it, but I'll definitely consider editing in some suggestions.

[billy]

maybe more sexist than chauvanist but people who write poetry are allowed to be, for all i know you're a female using a guy's name

[shemthepenman]

I think this sheds an underused point of view into a poem of implicitly deep longing in a way that isn't too creepy... I think the weird is good!


There's this girl, I'd like to write about

her bosom for a few moments, - The line spacing is questionable. It makes it look a bit too light. On the other hand it does kind of reflect the emptiness of these kind of 'relationships'. Also, I don't like the 'for a few moments'. The phrase doesn't sit well logically, and is too long, I think 'for a while' sounds better.

because I can't stop thinking about

how many hooks she fiddles with

in the morning. How her cups - I rarely find enjambment amusing, but this was great.

of coffee touch her lips,

or does she drink tea?

How many bobby pins does it take

to hold her hair, and does she

hold them in her mouth while she

wraps it into a bun? - these for lines are really good. simple images, simply stated. beautiful.

She defies gravity with pink and white stripes,

and I try not to look when she bends down

in front of me, but how can I not

think about fiddling with the hooks

on that pink and white bra, and

how can I not think about fixing her coffee, and

how can I not think about helping her

with those tangled brunette locks, or

at least hold the bobby pins, or

at least leave the sugar out, or

at least sneak a peek at her chest? - 'chest' is a bit weak. I like the ending, though. But maybe something a with a bit more punch. I am not saying go all out x-rated, but maybe something a bit cheeky.

I really like this. I had seen the title in the side bar for a while and had avoided it because how many 'there's this girl...' poems can one read before becoming jaded. Thankfully, this isn't really one of those poems, or at least subverts it a little bit. In which case, I would consider giving it a better title. the subject isn't fantastically original, but it is so well done that it hardly matters.

with regards to it being sexist or whatnot, of course it isn't. I find it funny how men seem to have a very different idea of what sexism is than women. I mean, men are quite literal and think sexism has something to do with sexuality (always thinking with their cocks even when they are trying to be right-on), and not, say, equal pay? (you see, now that's sexist)  The quiet sexual thoughts men and, indeed, women have in the comfort of their own imaginations is not sexist (unless those thoughts are sexist, in which case it is). And to be fair, on the scale of male sexual fantasy, this poem gives a glimps at the more softcore/romatic comedy end of the spectrum.

[billy]

okay ...more stalkish