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Your words lash at my skin.
Red, pulsing and raw is my wound,
as the damage burrows further within.
Your scorching poison coats and expands quickly around.
You emit a beating so profound
that I must relinquish my pride to your purse.
You wear a smile so broad as my pleas are crooned.
Please love me less, before it gets any worse!
Tears cascade down my face as you collect your win.
Your prize today is my dignity which has come unbound.
and I can no longer fight for what could have been.
Your lyrics continue to tear and pound,
becoming such an unbearable sound.
The weight on my left hand proves I agreed to this curse.
I cover my ears to stop the pain as my prayers give sound.
Please love me less, before it gets any worse!
Unwavering love for you is my only sin
but these foolish feelings can no longer be found.
Now all that remains is the pain that I am in.
The words no longer shock or astound.
And all though they still mar my face with a frown
they have become more of a replayed verse.
I implore every higher being that I believe to be around,
Please love me less, before it gets any worse!
Once again I have no option but to fall to the ground
praying that you take heed before I reach that lonely hearse.
My body aches and my eyes go wide as I scream so loud,
Please love me less, before it gets any worse!
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Reading it twice, I still remained confused. One could take this in different ways. To "love me less before it becomes worse", loses me in what your trying to say. One could interpret this as a sado masochist love, or a punishing love without an understandable explanation...
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(02-24-2015, 05:00 AM)indarican Wrote: Your words lash at my skin. Can words lash skin?
Red, pulsing and raw is my wound,
as the damage burrows further within. -Not sure that damage can burrow? Sorry, this line made me think of a hamster.
Your scorching poison coats and expands quickly around. - -around what?
You emit a beating so profound -emit a beating? As you mention lyrics/pulse/sound, maybe "emit a beat?"
that I must relinquish my pride to your purse.
You wear a smile so broad as my pleas are crooned.
Please love me less, before it gets any worse! -repeating line is good.[/b]
Tears cascade down my face as you collect your win.
Your prize today is my dignity which has come unbound.
and I can no longer fight for what could have been.
Your lyrics continue to tear and pound,
becoming such an unbearable sound.
The weight on my left hand proves I agreed to this curse.
I cover my ears to stop the pain as my prayers give sound.
Please love me less, before it gets any worse!
Unwavering love for you is my only sin
but these foolish feelings can no longer be found
Now all that remains is the pain that I am in.
The words no longer shock or astound. - whose/what words?
And all though they still mar my face with a frown
they have become more of a replayed verse.
I implore every higher being that I believe to be around,
Please love me less, before it gets any worse!
Once again I have no option but to fall to the ground
praying that you take heed before I reach that lonely hearse.
My body aches and my eyes go wide as I scream so loud,
Please love me less, before it gets any worse!
While reading this, I struggled a bit, to picture words/ sound/ lyrics causing physical pain. At one point an image came into my mind of alphabet letters flinging themselves off a fridge. Perhaps this is because you're assuming the reader is making connections that are clear in your mind, but don't exist (yet), in the poem.
I think it needs more clarity. If anything I've said is helpful, take it, but if it makes no sense, please ignore!-G.
[/b]
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Extreme/severe words (adjectives, adverbs and all the rest) should be used
with restraint. A single cry of "WOLF!!" will bring the villagers; any more
than that and they will ignore you and use their time to write poetry.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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(02-24-2015, 04:20 PM)rayheinrich Wrote: Extreme/severe words (adjectives, adverbs and all the rest) should be used
with restraint. A single cry of "WOLF!!" will bring the villagers; any more
than that and they will ignore you and use their time to write poetry. rayheinrich, I am unsure of what your feedback means
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(02-25-2015, 01:09 AM)indarican Wrote: (02-24-2015, 04:20 PM)rayheinrich Wrote: Extreme/severe words (adjectives, adverbs and all the rest) should be used
with restraint. A single cry of "WOLF!!" will bring the villagers; any more
than that and they will ignore you and use their time to write poetry. rayheinrich, I am unsure of what your feedback means Exaggeration. There are just too many strong
words/expressions in the poem. Not only do they lessen
the impact of what you are trying to express, they
are the root of many clichés.
See the words with the ">" before them. It's not that all of them should be
taken out or toned down, but you really need to change 70-80% of them.
Tears >cascade down my face as you >collect your >win.
Your >prize today is my >dignity which has come >unbound.
and I can no longer >fight for what could have been.
Your lyrics continue to >tear and >pound,
becoming such an >unbearable sound.
The >weight on my left hand proves I agreed to this >curse.
I cover my ears to stop the >pain as my >prayers give sound.
Please love me >less, before it gets any >worse!
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
Posts: 20
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Joined: Feb 2015
(02-25-2015, 04:15 AM)rayheinrich Wrote: (02-25-2015, 01:09 AM)indarican Wrote: (02-24-2015, 04:20 PM)rayheinrich Wrote: Extreme/severe words (adjectives, adverbs and all the rest) should be used
with restraint. A single cry of "WOLF!!" will bring the villagers; any more
than that and they will ignore you and use their time to write poetry. rayheinrich, I am unsure of what your feedback means
Exaggeration. There are just too many strong
words/expressions in the poem. Not only do they lessen
the impact of what you are trying to express, they
are the root of many clichés.
See the words with the ">" before them. It's not that all of them should be
taken out or toned down, but you really need to change 70-80% of them.
Tears >cascade down my face as you >collect your >win.
Your >prize today is my >dignity which has come >unbound.
and I can no longer >fight for what could have been.
Your lyrics continue to >tear and >pound,
becoming such an >unbearable sound.
The >weight on my left hand proves I agreed to this >curse.
I cover my ears to stop the >pain as my >prayers give sound.
Please love me >less, before it gets any >worse!
Got it!
I will try and work on those!
Thank you
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(02-25-2015, 07:11 AM)indarican Wrote:
Got it!
I will try and work on those!
Thank you I must apologize just a bit as I get carried away making abstract comments
that I find humorous even if they may not be that helpful. Carry on, you're
headed in the right direction.
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
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Definitely agreeing with the comments that it's generally a bit too busy. Less is more as they always say.
I would never disapprove a thesaurus, because I think they're great when a word is on the tip of your tongue and it's ruining your writing momentum by obsessing over it. But it does bleed a bit of thesaurus overuse (which I am at times also guilty of, which is how I recognise it). Some words (such as burrow, previously mentioned) aren't entirely wrong, and I see what you're saying, I just don't think they're the perfect word for it. As though a more natural word was replaced with one that better fit meter or rhyme scheme. I'm not saying that's what you did, just that it feels that way as a responder.
As a musician, I'm reading conflicting ideas of whether or not these words spoken are of musical nature or not. In trying to put myself in the position of the one hearing, I'm not sure if I'm listening to a scathing song or abusive shouting.
"Your words lash at my skin." implies some form of series of impacts, such as someone shouting, whereas at other times it feels more continuous burning, like music without pauses.
Content itself is solid and relatable. Repeated line is solid, also. The whole thing is very 'scorpion and the frog'.
Side note: rayheinrich, that quote is brilliant. I'm going to bear that one in mind myself.
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