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Come sit here closely by my side
as I unzip my soul for you.
And take a hold with your warm hand,
and stroke these arms that reach for you.
And if you swallow all that I’ve said
I’ll realize you understand.
As I thrust deep inside your mind
you’ll come to see I was the man.
That you had hoped would come with you
on this a journey hard and long.
As you had hoped would never end
and felt my true love growing strong.
And as we seek another road
I will try harder to unload
More than I have for you today
and not to leave and go astray.
Until my passion does explode
in many warm unending streams.
Of words I hope will once again
fulfill your wish of pleasant dreams.
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In my opinion the juxtaposition of the vulgar implications you're trying to make with the more romantic element of this poem is somewhat nauseating. I can't imagine two more disparate aspects of human love/sexuality and the way you present them hasn't done anything to bridge the gap for me. Perhaps adding to the nauseating quality is the haphazard rhyme scheme that seems to force some couplets (e.g. "And as we seek another road/ I will try harder to unload/ More than I have for you today/ and not to leave and go astray.")
To me this poem seems half-baked and a bit gimmicky. I would focus on one aspect over the other, either it should be a poetic description of fellatio full of plenty of sensuous images or it should be about love. Mixing them only shifts the perspective askew so that "the man" is almost psychopathic in his obsession with proving a point through what seems to be ejaculation.
Maybe I'm reading this the wrong way though.
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This was meant to be taken in two ways. One, in what a person sees as sexual, the other as romantic. You chose the one of the two that I'm trying to see what the majority will choose...
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As I thrust deep inside your mind
you’ll come to see I was the man.
That you had hoped would come with you
on this a journey hard and long.
Is this one complete thought? Why the period after man?
I can see how you may have tried to make this poem romantic in nature unfortunately I could not get passed all the sexual innuendos. I almost felt like you were trying to make the reader guess if you were talking about sex or not, this may be insulting to some.
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as far as the sexual aspects of the poem goes, they're pretty bland and cliched run of the mill .
the warmer aspect of the poem is weak. personally i read it as an attempt at a sexually non explicit fuck poem which didn't really achieve it's climax.
these kind of writes have to be clever, witty, elusive but most of all they have to be original. that you attempted the thing get you some kudos but in general i think it need a lot of work throughout for the reasons mentioned.
(02-20-2015, 04:34 AM)Magnum Wrote: Come sit here closely by my side
as I unzip my soul for you.
And take a hold with your warm hand,
and stroke these arms that reach for you.
And if you swallow all that I’ve said
I’ll realize you understand.
As I thrust deep inside your mind
you’ll come to see I was the man.
That you had hoped would come with you
on this a journey hard and long.
As you had hoped would never end
and felt my true love growing strong.
And as we seek another road
I will try harder to unload
More than I have for you today
and not to leave and go astray.
Until my passion does explode
in many warm unending streams.
Of words I hope will once again
fulfill your wish of pleasant dreams.
leftovernachos
Unregistered
(02-20-2015, 04:34 AM)Magnum Wrote: Come sit here closely by my side
as I unzip my soul for you.
is this implying your soul lives behind a zipper, or is this an innuendo?
And take a hold with your warm hand,
and stroke these arms that reach for you.
And if you swallow all that I’ve said
I’ll realize you understand.
As I thrust deep inside your mind
you’ll come to see I was the man.Oh, it's all innuendo...
That you had hoped would come with you
on this a journey hard and long.
As you had hoped would never end
and felt my true love growing strong.No, it's a romance?
And as we seek another road
I will try harder to unload
More than I have for you today
and not to leave and go astray.all of this rhyming is a little uncomfortable....
Until my passion does explode
in many warm unending streams. More innuendo??
Of words I hope will once again
fulfill your wish of pleasant dreams.
I think this mixes two different aspects of a relationship that are very very different, and generally are not on a person's mind at the same time, it seems like you're writing to a girl about your feelings for her which are dominated by physical desire... Makes me feel awful inside. Disgusting. I'd try to convey one message if I were you, then convey the other in another poem... but then again, what do I know... the writing feels fake all through it, like the intent is not so much to express love as it is to win over a sexual partner...
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Well now, this should be understood that it was not meant to be serious in the sense of a presentation to a contest for example, but instead, a delving into something different to break up the monotony of perfection in writing. I was experimenting with something unusual with the thought of dual structure tempting the senses to come to a conclusion. Otherwise, it's up to you...
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If I might chime in one more time, I think you are admirably courageous in trying to stretch boundaries and experiment with very different ideas. I also think you shouldn't let that spoil your work by allowing yourself to become complacent when crafting your poems. Ideally you could present the novel/inventive concept in a well-crafted poem. Poetry is hard work no matter how you go about it, the greatest poets blend original ideas with eloquent language so they create almost an organic unit. At this point your poem has a complex idea coupled with very mediocre poetic craft. If anything your word choices are detracting from the concept you're striving for. To me it's as if you were trying to paint an extremely vibrant and complicated picture with only three or four colors. You have thousands of words at your disposal that can convey practically anything anyone would ever think or imagine.
I don't really want to sound this didactic. You have an interesting idea for this poem (even if I personally don't feel attached to the subject matter) and I think you could rework it into something that really makes the reader think. For now it's sort of something that's intended solely to be a flash in the pan, and as such for most readers it's irrelevant. IF you decide to buckle yourself down and really work at crafting a poem and not simply trying to verbalize your idea in whatever words come to mind, you could make this poem work.
