Obscurity, My God

[fromcancertocapricorn]

Obscurity, my god,
with grey hair,
grey skin, and grey lips,
with fluid flesh,
composed of some iron
sludge, you intervene.

When all is black and white,
and heretics raise extremest flags,
when parties exist on the edges of a deep rift,
you lay connections and craft a new fused mission.
For, as the world displays itself like two eyes,
connected at their base
yet separated by many inches and a prominent nose,
you prompt its people to remember their basis,
behind the nasal protrusion that divides them.

Yet, I fret regarding your increasing role,

rolling men and women into an overly cohesive ball of gunk,
creating one group, one bumpy sphere.
Issues are now convoluted beyond comprehension.
Obscurity, my god, you compromise too often,
you have faltered through over-prudence, and
returned the globe to globes, and the mass to masses.

Revised Version:
Obscurity, my god,
with grey hair,
grey skin, and grey lips,
with fluid flesh,
composed of some iron
sludge, you intervene.

When all is black and white,
and heretics raise extremest flags,
when parties exist on the edges of a deep rift,
you lay connections and craft a new fused mission.
As the world displays itself like two eyes,
connected at their base
yet separated by many inches and a prominent nose,
you prompt its people to remember their basis,
behind the nasal protrusion that divides them.

I fret your increasing role,

rolling men and women into an overly cohesive ball of gunk,
creating one group, one bumpy sphere.
Issues are now convoluted beyond comprehension.
Obscurity, my god, you compromise too often,
you have faltered through over-prudence, and
stifled diversity: changing the globes to a globe, and the masses to a mass.

[Brownlie]

I'm not sure if this poem is structured or if it is an exploration with diatribes.

Obscurity, my god, -- I originally thought that "god" was the topic of the poem.
with grey hair,
grey skin, and grey lips,  -- Grey skin and grey lips? I guess there is that Fifty Shades of Grey fad. In that respect, a repetition of "grey" could be useful.
with fluid flesh,
composed of some iron -- Iron sludge? Not sure if this is meaningless filler.
sludge, you intervene.

When all is black and white,
and heretics raise extremest flags, -- Is this ranting?
when parties exist on the edges of a deep rift, -- The no man's land parties could be interesting, given the borders and what not.
you lay connections and craft a new fused mission. --
For, as the world displays itself like two eyes, -- Not sure about the word "For" here, I'm generally against it though.
connected at their base
yet separated by many inches and a prominent nose,
you prompt its people to remember their basis,
behind the nasal protrusion that divides them.

Yet, I fret regarding your increasing role, -- Doubling up on the ings like this can creates a comical tone.

rolling men and women into an overly cohesive ball of gunk,
creating one group, one bumpy sphere.
Issues are now convoluted beyond comprehension.
Obscurity, my god, you compromise too often,
you have faltered through over-prudence, and
returned the globe to globes, and the mass to masses. -- Returned seems to be a pun.

I think some poets do weird stuff, but they ingeniously tie those things together in cohesive philosophical structures and things like that. If this poem has a lot of discombobulated abstractions that rely on tone or connotation to say something that a lot of people think, it needs more prominent imagery to evoke the themes with its presentation. There's my gavel anyhow.

[fromcancertocapricorn]

Thank you for the feedback Brownlie. I would like to offer my reasoning for including some of the sections you interpreted
in a different manner:

In the first stanza my repetition of "grey" was intended as an inclusion of "grey-area." For, in my mind, this grey-area is akin to obscurity, as it provides no definite answer to an issue. The "iron sludge" was supposed to be indicative of something that's not solid, and therefore not definite.

In the second stanza, the inclusion of "heretics raise extremest flags, when parties exist on the edges of a deep rift" was supposed to show how divided the citizens of America are on numerous topics. Also, thank you for censoring my over-use of words like "for": I use them too often in much of my poetry, when they are usually unnecessary.

Finally, I actually did not intend to use the word "returned" as a pun, but I can definitely understand how it displays itself that way.

Again, thank you for the comments, I hope this helps answer some of you questions!

[Leah S.]

Obscurity, my god,
with grey hair,
grey skin, and grey lips,
with fluid flesh,
composed of some iron
sludge, you intervene.
When all is black and white,
and heretics raise extremest flags,
when parties exist on the edges of a deep rift,
you lay connections and craft a new fused mission.
For, as the world displays itself like two eyes,
connected at their base
yet separated by many inches and a prominent nose,
you prompt its people to remember their basis,
behind the nasal protrusion that divides them.
Yet, I fret regarding your increasing role,

rolling men and women into an overly cohesive ball of gunk,
creating one group, one bumpy sphere.
Issues are now convoluted beyond comprehension.
Obscurity, my god, you compromise too often,
you have faltered through over-prudence, and
returned the globe to globes, and the mass to masses.

Revised Version:
Obscurity, my god,
with grey hair,
grey skin, and grey lips,
with fluid flesh,
composed of some iron
sludge, you intervene.

When all is black and white,
and heretics raise extremest flags, Extremist. Unless you meant 'the most extreme'.
when parties exist on the edges of a deep rift,
you lay connections and craft a new fused mission. Fused mission? Did it overheat?
As the world displays itself like two eyes,
connected at their base
yet separated by many inches and a prominent nose,
you prompt its people to remember their basis,
behind the nasal protrusion that divides them. Sorry, I can't see 'the world' as a surrealistic image of two eyes that can't (due to natural anatomical limitations) see each other because the nose is in the way. If you were riffing on 'Can't see past his own nose,' you failed.

I fret your increasing role,

rolling men and women into an overly cohesive ball of gunk,
creating one group, one bumpy sphere.
Issues are now convoluted beyond comprehension. Well is it bumpy, or convoluted?
Obscurity, my god, you compromise too often,
you have faltered through over-prudence, and
stifled diversity: changing the globes to a globe, and the masses to a mass.

You did not convince me in the slightest that Obscurity is really your god. Your meaning is convoluted beyond comprehension, you have faltered through over-verbosity.