Karnak

[just mercedes]

Out of chaos the shameless gather
around death, take over neglected ground
and vanish as smoke, flashing
small exit signs, squatting above altars.
 
The leaden trumpet never sounds
in league with the light unknown.
In New York those twin towers showed
faded caves, temporary shadows.
 
Yesterday deprivation arrived, diffident,
inclusive in its slow pace, out of vertical
red nights into the dark precise day
 
but indifference remains and marks everything,
the turn of a spade and those who turn it.
Definitely we all die. But mostly as memory.

[Brownlie]

This seems to be a good postcolonial or imperialist topic.

Out of chaos the shameless gather -- Maybe a comma after chaos. Though that may be a weird style choice considering the later commas.  Shameless is interesting to me because it sounds like shapeless.
around death, take over neglected ground -- There's a possible misplaced anapest here in "over neglected."
and vanish as smoke, flashing
small exit signs, squatting above altars.
 
The leaden trumpet never sounds
in league with the light unknown. --There's some juxtaposition here.
In New York those twin towers showed
faded caves, temporary shadows. -- I like the faded caves of the twin towers in connection with the chaos in the first line. Temporary seems like a clunky word choice.
 
Yesterday deprivation arrived, diffident,
inclusive in its slow pace, out of vertical
red nights into the dark precise day
 
but indifference remains and marks everything,
the turn of a spade and those who turn it.
Definitely we all die. But mostly as memory. - This is a pretty long line.

  

Left some comments. Don't know much about this exact location, but things like chaos and unfamiliar terrain (to the so called western world) connect to ideas about vacancy and chaos.

[just mercedes]

Thanks B - for your read and comments. Puzzling over 'misplaced anapest'. Thinking about 'temporary'- for me it shows the insubstantiality of life.

[fromcancertocapricorn]

Out of chaos the shameless gather
around death, take over neglected ground Is take the right tense, you say squatting later, so maybe taking?
and vanish as smoke, flashing
small exit signs, squatting above altars.
 
The leaden trumpet never sounds
in league with the light unknown.
In New York those twin towers showed Here, I'm not sure what the function of "those" is, maybe instead just say "In New York twin towers showed." I also think showed is a weak word, it doesn't really add much to the meaning of the poem.
faded caves, temporary shadows.
 
Yesterday deprivation arrived, diffident,
inclusive in its slow pace, out of vertical
red nights into the dark precise day
 
but indifference remains and marks everything,
the turn of a spade and those who turn it.
Definitely we all die. But mostly as memory. I like this ending, it is both finite and inquisitive, providing answers while leaving a final question.

Overall, I really enjoyed your poem, just clean up some of the diction and tense.

[just mercedes]

Hi - thanks for the read and comments. I didn't want to have a whole heap of gerunds, so 'take' it is. They gather, they take, they vanish. All the same tense. 'Those' is a sound rhyme with 'showed' and the flow is a lot better with it in there. I'll think about 'showed' though.

[Leah S.]

Out of chaos the shameless gather I don't know what the 'shameless' look like.
around death, take over neglected ground I don't know what 'death' looks like, unless it's the guy in the black robe with the sickle.
and vanish as smoke, flashing Those unvisualized Shameless just morphed in my mind into minions with tiny flashing exit signs.
small exit signs, squatting above altars. What are they doing while they are squatting there....? It only took me one guess.
 
The leaden trumpet never sounds What's a leaden trumpet, Precious?
in league with the light unknown. Who is in league with the unknown light, the trumpet?
In New York those twin towers showed "Those" ? Or "the" ?
faded caves, temporary shadows. AS " faded caves" ? Or were they exhibiting faded caves and temporary shadows ?
 
Yesterday deprivation arrived, diffident, I don't know what diffident deprivation looks like.
inclusive in its slow pace, out of vertical Inclusive of what?
red nights into the dark precise day I don't know what a vertical night looks like, or a precise day.
 
but indifference remains and marks everything, I don't know what indifference looks like, but I did wonder if it lifts its leg when it marks.
the turn of a spade and those who turn it. Cliché. I do know what that looks like, but I couldn't figure out why indifference was marking the turn of the spade. I did get that the gravediggers don't care, but I had to work for it.
Definitely we all die. But mostly as memory. Wait, what? We all definitely die as memory?