Planet Dance

[Samantha Susan]

There's something interstellar about you
It's in the way you move
And you always look to the galaxy's edge
When someone else might disapprove
There's starlight caught in your teeth
From when you tumbled through the stuff
We're just two planets caught in a dance
We'll come close in our orbits, but never close enough

[Erthona]

Samantha Susan,

Your rhyme scheme is carried out well although there is no apparent meter besides the occasional few feet of iambic.

The line "Something in the way you move" is very close to the opening line in a very popular George Harrison song, while he was still in that little group he was it. The name eludes me at the moment. Anyway the Song is called "Something" and the first line goes,

"Something in the way she moves"  (http://www.metrolyrics.com/something-lyr...atles.html)

Still, the song came out in 1969 and you have probably never heard of it, but you might want to find a different way to say that line.  

The second set of lines make no sense to me. What is being disapproved? And what does it mean that he is "looking to the galaxy's edge". There is no context to make sense out of this. I mean I could guess, except I am morally opposed to guessing so it leaves me in bad place if a writer doesn't give me enough information to do anything other than guess

The next two lines are endearing if somewhat pointless, nothing wrong with that, it sets the tone.

The last two lines merely restate the two ships passing in the night theme.

So although you make a valiant effort to create something fresh, some cliches still seep through, just with a new coat of paint .

Love poetry is probably the most difficult poetry to write, yet it is nearly always the first type of poem people post on here. This poem is much better than most, simply by the  fact that it does not try to incorporate any of the well worn words that generally show up in love poetry.

Best of luck, Welcome to the site,


Dale  

[Samantha Susan]

Thanks for the critiques. And I was actually trying to allude to George's song. I'm 18 but I have all of that silly little group's albums. My point in this was to try to capture that whole starry eyed innocence that we see first loves with. But yes I can see how that can get a little cliché. I'll make more of an effort to write something outside my still lingering teen angst and failed first relationships    

Samantha Susan,

Your rhyme scheme is carried out well although there is no apparent meter besides the occasional few feet of iambic.

The line "Something in the way you move" is very close to the opening line in a very popular George Harrison song, while he was still in that little group he was it. The name eludes me at the moment. Anyway the Song is called "Something" and the first line goes,

"Something in the way she moves"  (http://www.metrolyrics.com/something-lyr...atles.html)

Still, the song came out in 1969 and you have probably never heard of it, but you might want to find a different way to say that line.  

The second set of lines make no sense to me. What is being disapproved? And what does it mean that he is "looking to the galaxy's edge". There is no context to make sense out of this. I mean I could guess, except I am morally opposed to guessing so it leaves me in bad place if a writer doesn't give me enough information to do anything other than guess

The next two lines are endearing if somewhat pointless, nothing wrong with that, it sets the tone.

The last two lines merely restate the two ships passing in the night theme.

So although you make a valiant effort to create something fresh, some cliches still seep through, just with a new coat of paint .

Love poetry is probably the most difficult poetry to write, yet it is nearly always the first type of poem people post on here. This poem is much better than most, simply by the  fact that it does not try to incorporate any of the well worn words that generally show up in love poetry.

Best of luck, Welcome to the site,


Dale  

[Norimeknowreason]

Hi Samantha, I like the idea behind this but there is a few lines/rhymes that bother me a bit.








There's something interstellar about you               It's in the way you move                                                    from this world.
And you always look to the galaxy's edge                            
When someone else might disapprove                
There's starlight caught in your teeth                < This seems a bit like a forced rhyme to me.                                          
From when you tumbled through the stuff                
We're just two planets caught in a dance              < these two lines, leave me a bit confused. You say they are
We'll come close in our orbits, but never close enough       in a dance (would they not be touching if they were?)
                                                                                     

[starsman]

Somehow, I feel like this poem was written for me (heheh). Anyways, on to my thoughts for this poem of yours.

There's something interstellar about you <-- not a bad opening, it intrigues me.
It's in the way you move <-- okay, this creates a bit of imagery, but I don't find it striking. As your reader, I would like to know a bit of how this movement is interstellar.
And you always look to the galaxy's edge <-- If I may suggest a change, I feel this line would be better if it was an exposition rather than a statement; it would be much more dynamic if you made it present tense here. For example, rather than what you wrote try something like: "it's in the way you move / looking outward to the edge of the galaxy"
When someone else might disapprove <-- I can catch a little bit of what you are trying to convey, but it breaks the tone of what you already set up which makes it feel like that rhyme with move is forced.
There's starlight caught in your teeth <-- Now this line makes me wonder! Just what are you trying to say here? This line is the jewel of your poem here, vivid imagery and it carries your metaphor.
From when you tumbled through the stuff <-- This line carries on the previous, but the word "stuff" detracts from it. If there is any word that brings this poem back to the ground it is the word "stuff".
We're just two planets caught in a dance <-- Okay, this is nice.
We'll come close in our orbits, but never close enough <-- Ah, the painful truth of the cosmos & gravity. I like how someone said it, "I feel like complaining to Einstein right now. General relativity is so romantic, and so sad."

Overall, I like this poem. I think there is a lot more you can draw out from this concept and I would love to read it again if you decided to hash it out anew.

Cheers, S.M.

[Deadrise]

Hello Samantha

From when you tumbled through the stuff
What is this stuff? Can you think of another word that produces an image in the readers mind?

I like the celestial theme.

Take care,
John

[tomcrocus]

Hello samantha susan,
i've read it and read it and i can't help thinking that's a song jumping out at me and this is my take on it.


There's something interstellar about you
it's in the way you move
and you allways look to the galaxys edge
when someone else might disapprove
there's starlight caught in your eyes
i love the way you move
two planets,two worlds collide
who cares i don't disapprove

etc. etc. etc.

it's a nice piece of poetry samantha,that's just my take on it,
best wishes,
tom.