the pond - Trying Haiku

[monmac]

Full edited version below Of this haïku

Dry baked water edge,
skimmer breaks nature's mirror.
Dissolving landscape


Original version --
Crystal clear water ripples
From a sun dried smooth shaped stone
Deftly skimmed across

[ellajam]

Hi, monmac, welcome.
I don't know if you're aiming at haiku or a short poem, but either way it's a bit wordy. Crystal, shaped and possibly smooth don't seem necessary. The image is fairly common, you may want to consider shuffling the lines for more pop.

Glad to have you here, hope you enjoy the site.

Crystal clear water ripples
From a sun dried smooth shaped stone
Deftly skimmed across

[monmac]

Thank you for the comments. I was worki g on a haiku. I really like this form so am ttrying it.
please see edited version below

Dry baked water edge,
skimmer breaks nature's mirror.
Dissolving landscape


And thank u for the welcome

Hi, monmac, welcome.
I don't know if you're aiming at haiku or a short poem, but either way it's a bit wordy. Crystal, shaped and possibly smooth don't seem necessary. The image is fairly common, you may want to consider shuffling the lines for more pop.

Glad to have you here, hope you enjoy the site.

Crystal clear water ripples
From a sun dried smooth shaped stone
Deftly skimmed across

[ellajam]

The best way to post an edit here is to click edit, full, under yourOP and put the labeled new one above the original, that way people see it first. If you're trying to learn haiku I suggest labeling it that, it might attract the attention of those on the site that know a whole lot more about it than I do.

[monmac]

Ok thank you elllajam

[just mercedes]

Full edited version below Of this haïku

Dry baked water edge,
skimmer breaks nature's mirror.
Dissolving landscape


Original version --
Crystal clear water ripples
From a sun dried smooth shaped stone
Deftly skimmed across

Hi - and welcome! Something about the 'dry baked water edge' doesn't sit right for me. The opposition of water and dry together. Do you need 'nature's'? I like haiku without any punctuation, or capitals. Your use of a period after the second line, but not after the third, makes the 'ku feel incomplete. Nice glimpse of a moment though.

Maybe something along the lines of

dry riverbank
a skimmer breaks the mirror
dissolving landscape

[Erthona]

I like the "baked," but instead of "water edge" I think mud would fit better for that is what gets baked. I'm not sure you need "dry." Just "baked mud." It might be possible to incorporate some from line 2 of your original into this line. Something like:

"water laps beaked mud
skimmer breaks mirror
dissolving the landscape"

I think the "the" is needed in the last line as it refers to this landscape you have been talking about, not just some generic landscape that has nothing to do with the rest of the poem. Of course I don't like English haiku, so...

dale