Still Life (Marriage)

[71degrees]

Once we climbed through what came
between us, we were granted our shine

Pillows smell almost abstract, our lightness
a Klee that never changes, even
thirty-five years after the paint has dried

[ChristopherSea]

71, There is some lovely sentiment herein. Even after multiple readings, that 'shine' keeps turning to 'shrine' for me! Nonetheless, still keeping with your painting motif, 'gloss' may work better. The Paul Klee reference may not be helping the poem that much for the reader, but it may have deep meaning for you both. Something like a 'portrait,' albeit not a still life or 'composition' could work within the poem. See what you think./Chris    

[ellajam]

Once we climbed through what came
between us, we were granted our shine

Pillows smell almost abstract, our lightness
a Klee that never changes, even
thirty-five years after the paint has dried

Hi, 71, I haven't spent much time with Klee in a while so I want to thank you for that fun.

I liked climbed/came, while the first two lines are solid I have to say that I also read "shrine" the first few times, did you edit or is it something else?

"Pillows smell almost abstract" still loses me. I  would be interested in a lightness that, like a Klee, keeps changing long after the paint is dry.

I may just need more time with this than I have given it, a bit early too comment (for me) but Klee called for it after I read the comment that he might not be helping the poem. We disagree.

[71degrees]

I'll just throw these comments out here:

Klee is an abstract painter, but I may be using the word (abstract) in the wrong sense here. Well, no, obviously What I was going for was a couple's sense of being together is often abstract to outsiders. People "see" different things from abstract art. People that live it….also do. Something like that.

Shine is what I want but as CS pointed out "gloss" might be what I really want. I knew he would respond, being the artist. Thank you.

71degrees.

[RiverNotch]

Once we climbed through what came
between us, we were granted our shine These two lines sound so light and airy, like the kind of love you seem to be showing here: how lovely. I would suggest adding a bit more color to this part (like the color red; this whole poem just feels so red), but this doesn't really need any mucking about with anyway.

Pillows smell almost abstract, our lightness I think a comma should end this, for proper punctuation's sake. I like the indecipherably quaint nature of this line, though. I can really smell the pillows.
a Klee that never changes, even I didn't really know about Paul Klee until I read some of the pieces of feedback on this poem. Knowing who he is sheds some light on this line, but when I didn't really know him, it was a bit jarring to have a reference come at me that I couldn't get....but only a tiny, tiny bit, as the light and slippery sound of the name feels very appropriate to this whole thing.
thirty-five years after the paint has dried Lovely.

[71degrees]

Once we climbed through what came
between us, we were granted our shine These two lines sound so light and airy, like the kind of love you seem to be showing here: how lovely. I would suggest adding a bit more color to this part (like the color red; this whole poem just feels so red), but this doesn't really need any mucking about with anyway.

Pillows smell almost abstract, our lightness I think a comma should end this, for proper punctuation's sake. I like the indecipherably quaint nature of this line, though. I can really smell the pillows.
a Klee that never changes, even I didn't really know about Paul Klee until I read some of the pieces of feedback on this poem. Knowing who he is sheds some light on this line, but when I didn't really know him, it was a bit jarring to have a reference come at me that I couldn't get....but only a tiny, tiny bit, as the light and slippery sound of the name feels very appropriate to this whole thing.
thirty-five years after the paint has dried Lovely.

Thanks for the positive vibes, RiverNotch. Klee may not be the ideal guy here. I'm not familiar enough w/individual artists (movements or styles I can deal with) to know "who" best lines up here. May have to re-think the image as a whole.