Oleander Spoon (some swearing)

[Rustymetal]

Hi, This is my first poem post. I am a novice, I feel completely confused about  poetry punctuation. I hope its not too long, I read a whole pile of poems tonight and they were all pretty short. This one was already written though so I might try and make them shorter. I also read that you had to label if it has swearing and I'm not sure where, so I'll add it here too.... There are three swear words. In case you are unfamiliar, Oleander is a flowering shrub. Hardy, long blooming and toxic. Often found in children's parks.



Oleander spoon.

She saw the bastard coming,
before he even reached the door.
Quickly she ducked in the garden.
A plan for him she had in store.

He sat across the table,
conceitedly eyeing the scene,
The dog’s desolate stare was unwavering,
the kettle was starting to steam.

“Coffee” she said and he nodded
“Now what the fuck do you want?
I’m sick of your fight and your trouble
Its time you stopped being a cunt”

And she smiled as she stirred his coffee
With an oleander spoon
“One sugar or two do you care for?
I’m sure we can get along soon”

A cake made early that morning,
enhanced by the seed of the bloom.
She pushed the plate across the table,
and quietly handed the spoon.

“You’re man, he owes me money,
I know that you simply can’t pay
but your lovely young daughter’s delightful
I’ll take her as down payment today”.

“You are right” the woman uttered
“Finish eating and then make your way
but the girl is at her Grandmothers,
this evening, with her, I’ll convey”.

The sun was toward the horizon
as she headed around to his place.
She found him inside doubled over
a contorted disguise was his face

His words parched on his lips but in contrast
His hands were slippery and wet
She whispered “you’ll not have my daughter
But I’ll watch while you writhe to your death”

Later that week, she read in the papers
Suicide was what the cops thought
She smiled as she stirred her coffee
Some people just had to be taught.


Thanks for reading.

[ellajam]

Hi, Rusty, welcome to the site. I didn't find this long at all, it was a quick read. You have something here to work on, though the end was no surprise. It made me think Ted Kooser's advice in "the Poetry Home Repair Manuel" that sometimes it helps to turn your poem upside down or shift the stanzas. You might develop some intrigue that way.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about, , meter and rhyme. You're pretty close to having a steady meter at times. If you count the accents in each line you'll see some inconsistencies. Leanne has some great explanations in our Poetry Practice Forum of meter and the effects it has on the poem. On our home page there's a link to a fun read, Colin Ward's Poetry Tips.

The rhyme is an issue. You've chosen to rhyme every other line, which for me made the poem read more like this (you can see why the poem did not seem long for me):

She saw the bastard coming, before he even reached the door.
Quickly she ducked in the garden. A plan for him she had in store.

That aabbcc rhyme scheme sets up a singsong pace that I'm not sure was your goal. Some of the rhymes didn't work for me, want/cunt aren't close in my accent. There are also some lines that are contorted for the sake of the rhyme, particularly: "this evening, with her, I’ll convey”.

I think you'll have fun working with this one, hope you enjoy the site.

Hi, This is my first poem post. I am a novice, I feel completely confused about  poetry punctuation. I hope its not too long, I read a whole pile of poems tonight and they were all pretty short. This one was already written though so I might try and make them shorter. I also read that you had to label if it has swearing and I'm not sure where, so I'll add it here too.... There are three swear words. In case you are unfamiliar, Oleander is a flowering shrub. Hardy, long blooming and toxic. Often found in children's parks.



Oleander spoon.

She saw the bastard coming,
before he even reached the door.
Quickly she ducked in the garden.
A plan for him she had in store.

He sat across the table,
conceitedly eyeing the scene,
The dog’s desolate stare was unwavering,
the kettle was starting to steam.

“Coffee” she said and he nodded
“Now what the fuck do you want?
I’m sick of your fight and your trouble
Its time you stopped being a cunt”

And she smiled as she stirred his coffee
With an oleander spoon
“One sugar or two do you care for?
I’m sure we can get along soon”

A cake made early that morning,
enhanced by the seed of the bloom.
She pushed the plate across the table,
and quietly handed the spoon.

“You’re man, he owes me money,
I know that you simply can’t pay
but your lovely young daughter’s delightful
I’ll take her as down payment today”.

“You are right” the woman uttered
“Finish eating and then make your way
but the girl is at her Grandmothers,
this evening, with her, I’ll convey”.

The sun was toward the horizon
as she headed around to his place.
She found him inside doubled over
a contorted disguise was his face

His words parched on his lips but in contrast
His hands were slippery and wet
She whispered “you’ll not have my daughter
But I’ll watch while you writhe to your death”

Later that week, she read in the papers
Suicide was what the cops thought
She smiled as she stirred her coffee
Some people just had to be taught.


Thanks for reading.

[Rustymetal]

Thanks Ellajam, Thanks for your feedback. This is and old poem of mine. At the time I was kind of aiming for what I call bush poetry, the only kind I knew. This sort of sound, though not as funny. (If your not Aussie you might struggle with some words in it). A bit of fun. http://youtu.be/2kpjnGWPmj0
Do you think I should rearrange the lines in the fashion that you put them? I agree with the convey line, I changed that at the last second after reading lots of others comments about other poems on word repetition. I did have "I'll bring her round later today" but that made two todays close to each other.
I will keep the want/cunt though, as the language and the accent are totally the two real life feuding characters that inspired me (minus the murder of course). Small town, rural, industrial Aussie bogan.
I will have to think about some ay words as I'm getting about today. Cheers

[Zeno's Bullet]

Greetings Rustymetal.

I wouldn't consider this one a long read either; quite fast depiction of silent violence, actually.
The material and content is there. Now, it's a matter of seeing it tempered.

I agree with ellajam about the rhyme scheme. It's very inconsistent. However, some lines in there do have a good flow to them, like the first lines of
stanzas 1 and 2 which have some iambic action in them.

Question the adjectives: are they too long? Too small? Does it hinder or smooth out the line?

[Leanne]

Ah, now that's justice

Rusty, have a good read through some of the meter threads on the site because it's a shame not to improve your natural ear as much as possible. You tell a good yarn, but just be careful of mangling some of your grammar to fit the rhyme. You're in charge of the poem, not the rhymes -- and if a rhyme doesn't fit, change it.

I don't know if it's an urban myth or not, about the family who decided to build their barbecue fire with oleander one night... didn't end well... the flowers are pretty though.

Good to have you on board, flannie and all.

[ChristopherSea]

Rustymetal, I enjoyed reading your story, it had a tongue-in-cheek style and flow for me.
The slant rhymes work to my satisfaction, but you have many punctuation errors to correct (almost in every line).
The only way to suggest possibilities is by doing close to a complete rewrite. I will PM you with a version if you like.
You have a lot of inverted language as well, e.g., 'A plan for him, she had in store.'
Additionally, this is an incomplete sentence:

'A cake made early that morning,
enhanced by the seed of the bloom.'

Maybe this would work:

'A cake made early that morning,
was enhanced by seeds of the bloom.'

However, something like 'tainted' may be more accurate than 'enhanced.'

This particular stanza is a bit awkward and needs alternate punctuation and wording:

“You are right” the woman uttered
“Finish eating and then make your way
but the girl is at her Grandmothers,
this evening, with her, I’ll convey”.

Welcome to the site and good luck with your next edit. Let me know if you want
my punctuation corrections. /Chris

[ellajam]

Thanks Ellajam, Thanks for your feedback. This is and old poem of mine. At the time I was kind of aiming for what I call bush poetry, the only kind I knew. This sort of sound, though not as funny. (If your not Aussie you might struggle with some words in it). A bit of fun.        http://youtu.be/2kpjnGWPmj0
Do you think I should rearrange the lines in the fashion that you put them? I agree with the convey line, I changed that at the last second after reading lots of others comments about other poems on word repetition. I did have "I'll bring her round later today" but that made two todays close to each other.
I will keep the want/cunt though, as the language and the accent are totally the two real life feuding characters that inspired me (minus the murder of course). Small town, rural, industrial Aussie bogan.
I will have to think about some ay words as I'm getting about today. Cheers

That was a fun watch. I can see that the aabb singsong is what you're after. If you format it as rhyming couplets it will eliminate the reader (me) wondering why you didn't rhyme the off lines and also might help you regulate the meter but I can't advise you about what you should do, all I can do is suggest what you might want to consider.

Do you say want as wunt? If so, go for it.

You are right about not using "today" as an end rhyme twice in a row, maybe you could chuck "way" and come up with a fresh rhyme, or change the one above. "I'll bring her round later today" is surely a step well above that convey line.