Sonnet Rewrite

[Leah S.]

Warrior

His wife, as thin and tensioned as a wire,
gets woozy when the needles puncture him.
She jerks and leaves, her spine a rod of ire,
because I touched his tubes. Her mouth went grim;
now, pacing in the hall, she looks for aid
from anyone professionally trained.
Her anguished face is angled like a blade;
her whole demeanor timid rage restrained.
How can I tell her now about the past?
I taught him what I know of Bushido:
in face of fear to hold his courage fast,
to choose where love and loyalty should go.
He was my student; now he's teaching me
That faithfulness can be our enemy.

[tectak]

Warrior

His wife, as thin and tensioned as a wire,
gets woozy when the needles puncture him.
She jerks and leaves, her spine a rod of ire,
because I touched his tubes. Her mouth went grim;
now, pacing in the hall, she looks for aid
from anyone professionally trained.
Her anguished face is angled like a blade;
her whole demeanor timid rage restrained.
How can I tell her now about the past?
I taught him what I know of Bushido:
in face of fear to hold his courage fast,
to choose where love and loyalty should go.
He was my student; now he's teaching me
That faithfulness can be our enemy.

---

Warrior

His wife, as thin and tensioned as a wire,
gets woozy when the needles puncture him.
She jerks and leaves, her spine a rod of ire,
because I touched his tubes. Her mouth went grim; For me, a period here.  The next line jumps too far to be linked by a semicolon. It would not be unreasonable to semicolon "tubes" to "her". Your poem
now, pacing in the hall, she looks for aid
from anyone professionally trained.
Her anguished face is angled like a blade; comma. If only because of the two "hers". Though semicolons CAN be used to seperate items in a "list", two items do not a list make.
her whole demeanor timid rage restrained.
How can I tell her now about the past?
I taught him what I know of Bushido:
in face of fear to hold his courage fast,
to choose where love and loyalty should go.
He was my student; now he's teaching me
That faithfulness can be our enemy.

Yeah! Very well done. Credit to workshopping but mostly to YOU. I can even go along with that colon as a caesura rather than a hiatus. It lets the narrative tendency between speaker and reader hang on the READER'S interpretation rather than on the writers. Good. Very good.
Best,
tectak

[Brownlie]

Warrior

His wife, as thin and tensioned as a wire,
gets woozy when the needles puncture him.
She jerks and leaves, her spine a rod of ire,
because I touched his tubes. Her mouth went grim;
now, pacing in the hall, she looks for aid
from anyone professionally trained.
Her anguished face is angled like a blade; -- This is pretty good.
her whole demeanor timid rage restrained. -- Perhaps a facial expression that explains a demeanor of timid rage.
How can I tell her now about the past?
I taught him what I know of Bushido:
in face of fear to hold his courage fast, -- Linguistic inversion here.
to choose where love and loyalty should go.
He was my student; now he's teaching me
That faithfulness can be our enemy. -- I like the ending.

 
My advice is the following: clear up inversions, try to present tactile representations of the abstractions, and clear up any redundancy. This is a pretty good poem.

[Leah S.]

Warrior

His wife, as thin and tensioned as a wire,
gets woozy when the needles puncture him.
She jerks and leaves, her spine a rod of ire,
because I touched his tubes. Her mouth went grim;
now, pacing in the hall, she looks for aid
from anyone professionally trained.
Her anguished face is angled like a blade; -- This is pretty good.
her whole demeanor timid rage restrained. -- Perhaps a facial expression that explains a demeanor of timid rage.
How can I tell her now about the past?
I taught him what I know of Bushido:
in face of fear to hold his courage fast, -- Linguistic inversion here.
to choose where love and loyalty should go.
He was my student; now he's teaching me
That faithfulness can be our enemy. -- I like the ending.

 
My advice is the following: clear up inversions, try to present tactile representations of the abstractions, and clear up any redundancy. This is a pretty good poem.

Thanks!
I don't get the inversion...to "hold fast" is common usage.
I meant "whole demeanor" to follow from "anguished face is angled like..." I wanted to evoke an image of her whole posture. Maybe a colon there?

---

Warrior

His wife, as thin and tensioned as a wire,
gets woozy when the needles puncture him.
She jerks and leaves, her spine a rod of ire,
because I touched his tubes. Her mouth went grim;
now, pacing in the hall, she looks for aid
from anyone professionally trained.
Her anguished face is angled like a blade;
her whole demeanor timid rage restrained.
How can I tell her now about the past?
I taught him what I know of Bushido:
in face of fear to hold his courage fast,
to choose where love and loyalty should go.
He was my student; now he's teaching me
That faithfulness can be our enemy.

---

Warrior

His wife, as thin and tensioned as a wire,
gets woozy when the needles puncture him.
She jerks and leaves, her spine a rod of ire,
because I touched his tubes. Her mouth went grim; For me, a period here.  The next line jumps too far to be linked by a semicolon. It would not be unreasonable to semicolon "tubes" to "her". Your poem
now, pacing in the hall, she looks for aid
from anyone professionally trained.
Her anguished face is angled like a blade; comma. If only because of the two "hers". Though semicolons CAN be used to seperate items in a "list", two items do not a list make.
her whole demeanor timid rage restrained.
How can I tell her now about the past?
I taught him what I know of Bushido:
in face of fear to hold his courage fast,
to choose where love and loyalty should go.
He was my student; now he's teaching me
That faithfulness can be our enemy.

Yeah! Very well done. Credit to workshopping but mostly to YOU. I can even go along with that colon as a caesura rather than a hiatus. It lets the narrative tendency between speaker and reader hang on the READER'S interpretation rather than on the writers. Good. Very good.
Best,
tectak

Thank you...means a lot to me. Punctuation will be further addressed. This is the first sonnet I have written in about five years. Whoooeee!

[ellajam]

Here is the link to original workshop thread:
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-16358.html

[Mark101]

Hello Leah,
This is a very well written sonnet, I like it a lot. It's well rhymed and the meter is good though not iambic pentameter (the usual meter of a sonnet), you're using a 4/3 iambs meter, and this is kept up very well.
Just a couple of minor niggles for me-

Warrior
His wife, as thin and tensioned as a wire,
gets woozy when the needles puncture him.
She jerks and leaves, her spine a rod of ire, ----------I understand that she is stiff with anger but is this line just a bit too close to "rod of iron"?
because I touched his tubes. Her mouth went grim; --------I'm not liking "went", could "sets grim" be a better choice?  Not sure, anything but went (lol).

now, pacing in the hall, she looks for aid
from anyone professionally trained.
Her anguished face is angled like a blade;
her whole demeanor timid rage restrained.
How can I tell her now about the past?
I taught him what I know of Bushido:
in face of fear to hold his courage fast, --------In face of fear seems a little clunky to me, could "In facing fear," work?
to choose where love and loyalty should go.
He was my student; now he's teaching me
That faithfulness can be our enemy.

I did also find myself wanting to know what went on in the past the protagonist felt unable to tell? Maybe this could be the subject of another sonnet?
I hope you don't mind too much my observations.
best regards
Mark

P.S., thanks for giving me cause to look up "Bushido" now I have another word in my arsenal .