Mistletoe

[Brownlie]

 

We’ve all forgotten that a mild toxin
placed above the hearth is ordered to bid lips,
But embalmed potpourris that circles in infinity
Is not cessation manifested in a merry corpse.
The end, which is a singular of many, is in the couples.
Destined for the mistletoe,
their odds increase with years together.

[Brownlie]

 

We’ve all forgotten that a mild toxin
placed above the hearth is ordered to bid lips,
But embalmed potpourri’s that circles in infinity
Is not cessation manifested in a merry corpse.
The end, which is a singular of many, is in the couples.
Destined for the mistletoe,
their odds increase with years together.

This is very interesting. "Above the hearth" makes me think of a forgotten urn, and you're implying that what matters is love and living before the end.

I like how I can't get a firm grasp of your poems intent because it makes me read it again and again and draw my own conclusions.

Do you mean to have an apostrophe after "potpourri"?

Apostrophe = typo. Don't get me started on those Urns and their paradoxical moments of ephemeral passion cast in marble.

[amiwrite]

I love the way you write it's so raw and straight forward

[tectak]

 

We’ve all forgotten that a mild toxin
placed above the hearth is ordered to bid lips,
But embalmed potpourri’s that circles in infinity
Is not cessation manifested in a merry corpse.
The end, which is a singular of many, is in the couples.
Destined for the mistletoe,
their odds increase with years together.

This is very interesting. "Above the hearth" makes me think of a forgotten urn, and you're implying that what matters is love and living before the end.

I like how I can't get a firm grasp of your poems intent because it makes me read it again and again and draw my own conclusions.

Do you mean to have an apostrophe after "potpourri"?

I love the way you write it's so raw and straight forward

This  is watery crit with no value whatsoever other than to comment upon yourself. Please try to enter in to the spirit of the site and offer suggestions which may help the author improve his craft....after all, that is what you would expect in return.
Mod

[Erthona]

Brownlie,

"We’ve all forgotten that a mild toxin
placed above the hearth is ordered to bid lips, I don't understand why you have a capitalized "But" starting the next line, it throws me off. The first two lines were clear enough. In fact I don't see a reason for the "but" at all.
But embalmed potpourris that circles in infinity  Potpourris (plural) circles (plural) should be "Potpourris circle" although I have no idea how multiple potpourri can be embalmed. The idea makes no sense to me.  
Is not cessation manifested in a merry corpse. Merry or not a corpse is a corpse of course.
The end, which is a singular of many, is in the couples.  Gibberish.
Destined for the mistletoe,
their odds increase with years together."  This seems completely backwards. Haven't they already kissed under the mistletoe? Or are you trying to use mistletoe as a symbol of death because it is poisonous? If so, that is no where clear. I only suspect that as it is a well worn device. 



Generally I wouldn't give any kind of critique in this forum, but it appears as though Tom will hit you on the head it one does not, so blame Tom. Otherwise All I would have said is, the first two lines are rather good, but all that follows after seem incomprehensible so I can't really comment on them, which is a pity because I really like the first two lines. Of course you did not say ordered to bid lips to do what? And where you leave the line, it does not lead into the next line in any way. Of course we all know what lips are ordered to do. Maybe.

"placed above the hearth to ordered lips." bid with order is redundant. You can leave it that way in an effort to create tension in the line, although I don't really see the purpose. My preference, and this is purely personal would be to say something like

"placed above the hearth to ordered lips to kiss."

Yes we all know what mistletoe is for, but I see little room for leaving the line hanging, but as I said that personal preference, and has nothing to do with clarity.

Now that I've gotten this far into it, which I never wanted to do, is:

"Destined for the mistletoe, their odds increase with years together."  meaning

"Destined for the death, their odds increase with years together."?  Just wondering.





dale

[Brownlie]

Brownlie,

"We’ve all forgotten that a mild toxin
placed above the hearth is ordered to bid lips, I don't understand why you have a capitalized "But" starting the next line, it throws me off. The first two lines were clear enough. In fact I don't see a reason for the "but" at all.
But embalmed potpourris that circles in infinity  Potpourris (plural) circles (plural) should be "Potpourris circle" although I have no idea how multiple potpourri can be embalmed. The idea makes no sense to me.  
Is not cessation manifested in a merry corpse. Merry or not a corpse is a corpse of course.
The end, which is a singular of many, is in the couples.  Gibberish.
Destined for the mistletoe,
their odds increase with years together."  This seems completely backwards. Haven't they already kissed under the mistletoe? Or are you trying to use mistletoe as a symbol of death because it is poisonous? If so, that is no where clear. I only suspect that as it is a well worn device. 



Generally I wouldn't give any kind of critique in this forum, but it appears as though Tom will hit you on the head it one does not, so blame Tom. Otherwise All I would have said is, the first two lines are rather good, but all that follows after seem incomprehensible so I can't really comment on them, which is a pity because I really like the first two lines. Of course you did not say ordered to bid lips to do what? And where you leave the line, it does not lead into the next line in any way. Of course we all know what lips are ordered to do. Maybe.

"placed above the hearth to ordered lips." bid with order is redundant. You can leave it that way in an effort to create tension in the line, although I don't really see the purpose. My preference, and this is purely personal would be to say something like

"placed above the hearth to ordered lips to kiss."

Yes we all know what mistletoe is for, but I see little room for leaving the line hanging, but as I said that personal preference, and has nothing to do with clarity.

Now that I've gotten this far into it, which I never wanted to do, is:

"Destined for the mistletoe, their odds increase with years together."  meaning

"Destined for the death, their odds increase with years together."?  Just wondering.





dale

Well, I appreciate the comments. The capitals is a matter of laziness here. Other comments about the redundancy, the subject verb agreement, and the potential gibberish were also useful.  My overall point here was that every couple in our society who celebrates Christmas will inevitably kiss under the mistletoe. This, according to the poem which is arguably gibberish, is one end or destination, and death was supposed to be a possible inference one could take from the word end.

[Erthona]

Sorry, correction. Should be "order" instead of "ordered". My mistake. Not really been feeling up to snuff lately.

Still, I think with some work this could be a decent poem. Although I have seen the motif before, it is certainly not as well worn as many.
I think it is a viable idea, that you should work on. I would encourage you to do so as it might also benefit you as far as a poet. Just my thought.

Dale