Rain That Burns

[none]

Revised 1:

Though the night is bane
Only moonlight mourns
Here I dance with pains
And this rain that burns

Still I draw my dreams
And my longing hymns
In crimson blood runes
On this rain that burns

My loveless nocturne
My last remembrance
Ere death and silence
In this rain that burns



Original:

Though the night is bane
Only moonlight mourns
Here I dance with pains
And this rain that burns

Still I smear my dreams
And my longing hymns
In crimson blood runes
On this rain that burns

My loveless nocturnes
My last remembrance
Ere death and silence
In this rain that burns

[Leah S.]

Though the night is bane "Bane" is a noun. Is "the night" your bane?
Only moonlight mourns What else might be mourning if it wasn't "only" the moonlight? btw how does moonlight mourn, exactly?
Here I dance with pains I assume you are dancing with pains in some part of yourself, not dancing with little personified pains?
And this rain that burns Moonlight and rain? quite a trick. Is the rain the tears evincing the moonlight's mourning? Convoluted if so. Your syntax says you are dancing with the rain, though, not in it. Not sure how that works.
Still I smear my dreams Eeeww!
And my longing hymns Help! The only way any of this makes sense is if you are smearing your dreams and hymns in bloody sigils all over the burning rain......quite a trick!
In crimson blood runes This explains the "pains" from the first stanza.......I guess?
On this rain that burns How do you get your blood to stick to flaming raindrops?
My loveless nocturnes More musical references.....is this a weird riff on "Singing in the Rain"?
My last remembrance Either "nocturne" - "remembrance" or "nocturnes" - "remembrances," don't you think? You didn't care (rhyme-wise) about "bane" and "pains," why care about "nocturnes" and "burns"?
Ere death and silence Are you burning to death in the flaming rain?
In this rain that burns

On to your rhyme scheme: S1 - abab - sort of. S2 - very slanty but no real scheme. S3 - bccb - sort of. If you are going to use rhyme I think it deserves a little more consideration. At least you stuck with a consistent image: your agonized protagonist singing and dancing in the burning rain. Quite hellish. The number of clichés you used invites me to assume your poem is a sort of lampoon, possibly of "Singing in the Rain". That is, if you used them intentionally, though I still don't get the point.

[none]

Your witty reply makes me chuckle, thanks for reading, I appreciate it very much.

It's an old piece (I rarely write poems and when I do, they're basically my personal experiences) with abstract nature. The lines have meanings but I don't expect anyone to understand them (it would be impossible to do so without having background knowledge of the writer), instead I just wish for readers to interpret the piece using their own emotion.

your poem is a sort of lampoon, possibly of "Singing in the Rain"
No.
It was inspired by FFVII Crisis Core.

Are you burning to death in the flaming rain?
Yep, though burning not flaming.

How do you get your blood to stick to flaming raindrops?
By using runic alphabets - believed to have mystical properties.
The rain burns, not flaming - think of acid as analogy.

"Bane" is a noun. Is "the night" your bane?

What else might be mourning if it wasn't "only" the moonlight? btw how does moonlight mourn, exactly?

"The night" is the other side of reality that are hidden, it has no witnesses (moonlight mourn is a reflection of loneliness of those who suffers - i.e. no one knows about their suffering but themselves) and it's filled with death, ruins and destruction (bane).

[cotidiano]

I like the varied, song-like repetition of the refrain "rain that burns," and you did a nice job of carrying the music/dancing motif all the way through. However, the overly romantic and angsty tone of most poetry (including my own) makes me flinch. I do think you've created the mournful mood you're going for, but there is a touch of melodrama that takes away from the sincerity for me.

"Still I smear my dreams" is a novel phrase, but I had the same reaction as Leah. For some reason, "smear" evokes the idea of monkeys smearing poop or someone smearing boogers on their shirt.

"Crimson blood" sounds very cliche to me. Plus it's redundant, since blood is obviously red.

"Ere" sounds out of place to me, perhaps because the rest of the poem doesn't have the same old-timey style.

Thanks for sharing! I enjoyed reading your work.

[just mercedes]

Your title made me think of fallout after a nuclear explosion. Your poem reads as a metaphor for the break-up of a relationship.

Though the night is bane
Only moonlight mourns nice sounds
Here I dance with pains
And this rain that burns the meter is constant but the rhyme of mourns/burns irks me

Still I smear my dreams
And my longing hymns so what is it - nocturne, or hymn?
In crimson blood runes meter goes off here
On this rain that burns smearing anything onto rain seems impossible

My loveless nocturnes meter changes again
My last remembrance
Ere death and silence
In this rain that burns So the rain is going to burn you to death?

You have the bones of a poem, but I think you need to pay more more attention to the flesh. Either get your rhymes and meter all working together, or ignore them and work in free verse. This poem is half-way.

Thanks for posting.

[Leah S.]

Your witty reply makes me chuckle, thanks for reading, I appreciate it very much.

It's an old piece (I rarely write poems and when I do, they're basically my personal experiences) with abstract nature. The lines have meanings but I don't expect anyone to understand them (it would be impossible to do so without having background knowledge of the writer), instead I just wish for readers to interpret the piece using their own emotion.

your poem is a sort of lampoon, possibly of "Singing in the Rain"
No.
It was inspired by FFVII Crisis Core.

Are you burning to death in the flaming rain?
Yep, though burning not flaming.

How do you get your blood to stick to flaming raindrops?
By using runic alphabets - believed to have mystical properties.
The rain burns, not flaming - think of acid as analogy.

"Bane" is a noun. Is "the night" your bane?

What else might be mourning if it wasn't "only" the moonlight? btw how does moonlight mourn, exactly?

"The night" is the other side of reality that are hidden, it has no witnesses (moonlight mourn is a reflection of loneliness of those who suffers - i.e. no one knows about their suffering but themselves) and it's filled with death, ruins and destruction (bane).

I'm not sure that you really intend to submit your poetry for serious workshopping. Usually getting your meaning across to the reader is very important to a poet. By submitting your poem, the implied intent is that you invite all feedback with the understanding that you are open to editing and improving your poem based on the critiques you receive. I was trying to address your grammar more than your meaning. The meaning of your poem is very clear, and poem-worthy, but the language you used was awkward (to me) in places.

[none]

"Still I smear my dreams" is a novel phrase, but I had the same reaction as Leah. For some reason, "smear" evokes the idea of monkeys smearing poop or someone smearing boogers on their shirt.

"Crimson blood" sounds very cliche to me. Plus it's redundant, since blood is obviously red.

"Ere" sounds out of place to me, perhaps because the rest of the poem doesn't have the same old-timey style.

I lacked options other than "Ere" to keep the meter intact.
Blood is red, not crimson.
I'll change smear to draw.

The only part that got me confused is the wording you used here
Still I smear my dreams
And my longing hymns
In crimson blood runes
On this rain that burns

Smearing blood on the rain would not be possible without using runic alphabet (believed to contain mystical properties).

You have the bones of a poem, but I think you need to pay more more attention to the flesh. Either get your rhymes and meter all working together, or ignore them and work in free verse. This poem is half-way.

I was intending to make a very slant poem, both in meter and rhymes.
But in the revised version I will make the "free verse" feeling more apparent.

I'm not sure that you really intend to submit your poetry for serious workshopping. Usually getting your meaning across to the reader is very important to a poet. By submitting your poem, the implied intent is that you invite all feedback with the understanding that you are open to editing and improving your poem based on the critiques you receive. I was trying to address your grammar more than your meaning. The meaning of your poem is very clear, and poem-worthy, but the language you used was awkward (to me) in places.

Initially, while I don't think any improvement is needed, I'm still open to the idea of fixing this piece. But after reading all the critics, I'm convinced that a revision is necessary.

[Leah S.]

I like your edits very much...but I'm still badly bugged by "bane." It's as if you said "the night is chair." (Due to the fact that the word "bane" is a noun.)
A bane is an archaic term for a thing (or rarely, a person) that has caused the death of someone. You find it in the names of plants used for poison, such as "wolfsbane." The modern usage usually refers to annoyance, discomfort etc, as when someone says, "She is the bane of my existence."
You might consider adding "my" before "bane" and "pains."
Best, Leah