Blackout

[Wjames]

Edit 2:


Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of blankets,
a family sits together.
 
The dogs yawn echoes quietly over the storm;
outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire.
 
In a cave beyond town,
sleeping bears cuddle.

Edit 1:

Reading by firelight

in a huddled mass of blankets,
a family sits together.
 
The dogs yawn echoes quietly
over the sound of the storm.
Outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire.
 
In a cave beyond town,
sleeping bears cuddle

Original:

Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of flesh,
the family dogs yawn echoes peace.
 
Outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire.
 
In a cave outside town,
sleeping bears cuddle as usual.

[makeshift]

Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of flesh, First two lines make me think of cavemen with firelight and the flesh huddling. Maybe "huddled mass of flesh" is a bit ambiguous I was thinking a group of people are huddled together but part of me also wants to think there using dead animal flesh to keep warm, anyway I don't think its a bad ambiguity. The next line gets a family and dog in the picture, so perhaps thats the flesh mass.
the family dogs yawn echoes peace. Should this be dog's yawn? I like the image here, I think I know exactly the type of dog yawn your describing lol. My nitpick here is that the line was a little hard to say/wrap my head around the first time, just seems like there might be a simpler way to express the notion but I do like how the yawn is echoing peace yet you kind of get the feeling that the yawn is also echoing in space. 
 
Outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire. I like this strophe, its not essential for me since the title already says something similar but it gives a good feel of the weather + power of nature. Good image. 
 
In a cave outside town,
sleeping bears cuddle as usual.  The ending here makes me think about how dependent we are on electricity and with cavemen in my mind I think how that dependency came from an "evolution" maybe we should be more primitive??? The bears never needed fire, but I guess dogs adapted to need it, idk. I like that the dog is at peace also, it kinda reinforces the idea. The whole poem has a nice feel with the cold vs hearth. I'd consider cutting "as usual" at the end here, I think the reader can get it without that, but maybe I don't get it >.< 

Left my 2 cents, thnx for sharing. ^^7

[Liz11]

Hi Wjames,

I like the simplicity of this poem and the similarity it conveys between the bears and people when humans are brought to the primal level by loss of electricity. I agree with makeshift about being slightly confused by the "mass of flesh". Does this mean that there is more than one person, or someone curled up by the fire, maybe the dog is sitting with them? If it was your intention for this to be ambiguous, it was fine and doesn't take much away from the poem as a whole, just something to consider. I also questioned the word choice "cuddle" to describe the bears. Maybe it's just me but I have a hard time picturing bears cuddling. Might want to consider a different word choice here but that may have a meaning that I am overlooking. If so I apologize. Thank you for a great read

[WildMel]

Very good imagery! It brought emotion and feeling with it. I did, however picture some one reading a book by a fire while having an orgy.

[azure]

Reading by firelight I instantly thought of comfort, security, pleasure, night time. This line is simple but it did draw me in.
in a huddled mass of flesh, Now I see that this 'huddled mass of flesh' is a person with dogs/cats/children snuggled beside them while reading. It is slightly ambiguous though, and for the sake of the readers maybe you could give some clarification as to what this huddled mass is/or composed of.
the family dogs yawn echoes peace. I have some issues with this line. It just doesn't read right and it seems confusing to me and doesn't define a clear image in my mind. Re-word this possibly.
 
Outside, snow and wind tangle I could already tell from the use of the word 'firelight' that it was snowing outside which helped created that cozy feel of the poem itself.
grids of power into knots of wire. so its the snow caused the blackout. Nice subtle clarification.
 
In a cave outside town,
sleeping bears cuddle as usual. the ending was nice, the scene change gave the poem more of a loving or affectionate nature. Although, I think you could enhance the imagery by rewording the last line a bit.

I enjoyed this poem's warmth and sense of security it lends me, the reader. It was decent in it's totality, but some of the lines need some smoothing out because they dilute the imagery. Also I suggest that some minor clarfication might be needed in the poem to tone down the ambiguity a bit. Thanks for the read.

Azure

[paulcanuck]

Short, succinct - I admire that.
The first line would be better as "Reading by candlelight" to me - I immediately put the location as outside because of the "firelight" word. Candles are hardly ever burned outside. You could even use "flashlight" I suppose.. Also I wonder if the word "outside" could be used only once. Because it is so short it needs the variety IMHO.
But great imagery here by few words - did I mention I admire that?
Paul

[Eluoh]

Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of flesh, (I like the image these two lines give.)
the family dogs yawn echoes peace.  (Perhaps you mean dog's*.  There's too much wording in this line.  It's a bit of a mouthful and uncomfortable to read in my head.  Maybe move the order of the words around or select different words to help it flow easier?)
 
Outside, snow and wind tangle (The comma isn't necessary, and it creates an awkward pause for me.)
grids of power into knots of wire. ("knots" is redundant to the previous stanza where you use "tangle".)
 
In a cave outside town, (I would suggest putting "of" between "outside" and "town".  It feels like the sentence cuts off too soon, and again, is awkward to read.)
sleeping bears cuddle as usual. ("as usual" is weak and far from poetic for me.  Surely there are hundreds of different ways to convey this image without using the basic phrase "as usual"?)

Overall it's a fine poem, and with some minor editing it could really pack a punch with how short and simple it is.  Keep it up.

[Wjames]

Thanks everyone for you thoughts, they were very valuable; I've done an edit, it would be great to hear some more thoughts on it now.

[billy]

the edit's an improvement. here's some feedback o it.

Edit 1:


Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of blankets,
a family sits together. is sits needed as it takes something away from 'huddled' ?
 
The dogs yawn echoes quietly
over the sound of the storm. is the sound needed, could another word be better used.
Outside, snow and wind tangle no need for outside (unless the storms inside)is there a better word than tangle, something like transform or another energy related word?
grids of power into knots of wire. for me the line is good image but it's trying to hard, a suggestion would be something like; the power-grid into knotted wires
 
In a cave beyond town,
sleeping bears cuddle. i do like the end couplet, it has a haiku feel about it and is a good change of direction.

Original:

Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of flesh,
the family dogs yawn echoes peace.
 
Outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire.
 
In a cave outside town,
sleeping bears cuddle as usual.

[QDeathstar]

Edit 1:


Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of blankets,
a family sits together.
 
The dogs yawn echoes quietly this part I've had to pause over several times and I think it detracts from the poem. dogs yawn echoes, perhaps howl? Is it dogs as in more than one? Or dogs'?
over the sound of the storm.
Outside, snow and wind tangle I agree with billy about the word outside, but disagree with him about tangle. Makes sense to me like it is.
grids of power into knots of wire.
 
In a cave beyond town,
sleeping bears cuddle. for me, this reads as the humans are distrurbed, eg, unable to sleep, due to th storm but that bears are at peace durinng storms, a comment on nature perhaps?.


I do like the edit better, I like how the first and last stanza are broken out unto themselves, compared to the original poem. The middle stanza still needs some work.

Original:

Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of flesh,
the family dogs yawn echoes peace.
 
Outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire.
 
In a cave outside town,
sleeping bears cuddle as usual.

[Samantha Susan]

My one real issue with this poem is line 4. I found myself stopping to ponder it while going through the poem. I can picture it quite clearly. A Labrador or another big dog lying lazily on little pile of old blankets, yawning quietly. I think, however, that it's wording could be a bit less awkward to help keep the focus on the poem. I like the subject, and think that it is refreshing, but it seems a bit unfinished, as though you stopped abruptly.

[Wjames]

Thanks for your thought guys, this one's not finished yet but I don't have time to do an edit right now.

I wrote this poem after first hearing the song Dayton, Ohio 1903 by Randy Newman (and listening to it on repeat for the rest of the day), and then trying to make a poem that had the same feeling in it that I get from that song.

[BW BRINE]

So - I like the imagery, especially with the yawning dog over the raging storm outside. I can feel it.

However, I don't think I get the bears at the end. Are you trying to parallel the scene you've set before us with the family? It just seems to come out of the blue and end there.

If you'd like to create just one stop-image in time, then do so; I don't feel there is any need to add the part about the bears at all, unless it's an underlying theme throughout (rather than a quip at the end).

-BW

[jtrom1010]

Edit 1:


Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of blankets,
a family sits together.
 
The dogs yawn echoes quietly
over the sound of the storm.
Outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire.
 
In a cave beyond town,
sleeping bears cuddle.

Original:

Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of flesh,
the family dogs yawn echoes peace.
 
Outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire.
 
In a cave outside town,
sleeping bears cuddle as usual.

Wow...honestly not too much to criticize. Short, sweet, to the point, and wonderful imagery. Overall just really well done, and I'm usually extensively critical of short pieces like this.

[Pyxx]

Edit 1:


Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of blankets,
a family sits together.
 
The dogs yawn echoes quietly
over the sound of the storm.
Outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire.
 
In a cave beyond town,
sleeping bears cuddle.

Original:

Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of flesh,
the family dogs yawn echoes peace.
 
Outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire.
 
In a cave outside town,
sleeping bears cuddle as usual.

I think that this work could flow better...

Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of blankets,
a family sits together.

In my opinion there could be something more tangle to tie this line together and this piece starts off a little rough. This work could use more creative written expression to better provoke a visual response from the audience reading it. I like the highlighted line;

Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of blankets,
a family sits together.

The first and last lines of this work lack creativity and written expression, this does not do justice to it.

The dogs yawn echoes quietly
over the sound of the storm.


'the sound of the storm', perhaps a word that better evokes what a storm sounds like?

Outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire

I'm not sure if the word 'Outside' is necessary. I found it distracting.  It may be possible to have a sentence prior to this as a lead in, that allows the reader to make the connection that this is occurring outside, however I like the images your words evoke in this part of the piece.

In a cave beyond town,
sleeping bears cuddle.

This last line is problematic as it provides little written expression and as such leaves the reader to guess the rest, both tangibly and visually. It is also not in keeping with the parts of the work that do use written expression. I agree with other critiques, the last lines end prematurely, like a interrupted sentence, its a little jarring. I feel that there is still a lot of work to be done to it. It does read better after the edit. Using more written expression throughout the rest of the work would make it stronger. This work has promise, don't stop writing.

[Wjames]

Thanks for taking the time to read, and give me your thoughts guys. I agree about the word "outside", but when I cut it and start the next sentence with snow, something just doesn't seem right to me. I have made a little change though, and cut "sound".

I don't mean to critique a critique, but I don't really know what you mean by "written expression" Pyxx. If you could be more specific, it would help me understand what you find lacking. I do sort of understand what you could mean, as I wasn't really trying to "express" anything with this poem - more just create an image that encapsulates a feeling instead of specifically trying to express something. Of course, it could just mean "I think this sucks" which is fine, but I'd like to know why you think it sucks if possible.

[Pyxx]

Thanks for taking the time to read, and give me your thoughts guys. I agree about the word "outside", but when I cut it and start the next sentence with snow, something just doesn't seem right to me. I have made a little change though, and cut "sound".
I don't mean to critique a critique, but I don't really know what you mean by "written expression" Pyxx. If you could be more specific, it would help me understand what you find lacking. I do sort of understand what you could mean, as I wasn't really trying to "express" anything with this poem - more just create an image that encapsulates a feeling instead of specifically trying to express something. Of course, it could just mean "I think this sucks" which is fine, but I'd like to know why you think it sucks if possible.

Hi,

I have to go out soon and as such I don't really have enough time to elaborate on the questions you have, just yet. I really just wanted to say that I do not think that 'your work sucks'. If anything I think that using this word to 'critique' another persons work has negative connotations and is also probably not very conducive to their improvement or self confidence. Constructive criticism is just this, criticism that is also constructive.

A constructive critique offers advice to the author on things that may improve a work. I speak for myself when I say that  constructive criticism appears to be a possible foundation for any aspiring poet, artist, musician, to choose to listen to and use as a means to improve their own work. Remember I am a novice here too. I feel that the critiques I have received have helped me to improve my own work, hopefully ^_^

I try not to take my own work too seriously though, I even wrote a poem about my own thoughts on my work, titled 'A Self Inflicted Parody', the first line to this piece reads 'Reading my own work makes me face palm'. Anyway, merely stating that someone's 'work sux' offers little reason or insight as to how a work could be improved and is definitively not constructive, if anything, it's probably a little mean, too. I was merely attempting to go through your work line through line and offer advice...
I will definitely get back to your questions and elaborate further to the best of my ability.   

[Wjames]

Thanks for taking the time to read, and give me your thoughts guys. I agree about the word "outside", but when I cut it and start the next sentence with snow, something just doesn't seem right to me. I have made a little change though, and cut "sound".

I don't mean to critique a critique, but I don't really know what you mean by "written expression" Pyxx. If you could be more specific, it would help me understand what you find lacking. I do sort of understand what you could mean, as I wasn't really trying to "express" anything with this poem - more just create an image that encapsulates a feeling instead of specifically trying to express something. Of course, it could just mean "I think this sucks" which is fine, but I'd like to know why you think it sucks if possible.

Hi,

I have to go out soon and as such I don't really have enough time to elaborate on the questions you have, just yet. I really just wanted to say that I do not think that 'your work sucks'. If anything I think that using this word to 'critique' another persons work has negative connotations and is also probably not very conducive to their improvement or self confidence. Constructive criticism is just this, criticism that is also constructive.

A constructive critique offers advice to the author on things that may improve a work. I speak for myself when I say that  constructive criticism appears to be a possible foundation for any aspiring poet, artist, musician, to learn from and improve. Remember I am a novice here too and I feel that the critiques I have received have helped me to improve my own work, hopefully ^_^

Anyway, merely stating that someone's 'work sux' offers little reason or insight as to how a work could be improved and is definitively not constructive, if anything, it's probably a little mean, too. I was merely attempting to go through your work line through line and offer advice...

I will definitely get back to your questions and elaborate further to the best of my ability.   

I agree for the most part, constructive criticism is definitely the key. I don't think you necessarily have to say "this could be improved by x, y, and z" however. I think the best critiques are just detailed, honest reactions to a poem; if you think something is terrible, it doesn't do anyone any good for you to tell them otherwise.

For instance, while "I think this stanza sucks." isn't useful to a writer, "I think this stanza sucks, because the first line is a cliche, you use "I" five times over three lines, and I knew that "fly" would rhyme with "sky" before even starting the last line" could most definitely be useful if it makes them think about their work in a new light.

I was just wondering what the "because" was for the written expression part of your critique. All the best, WJ

[Pyxx]

Reading by firelight
in a huddle of blankets,
a family sits together.
 
The dogs yawn echoes quietly over the storm;
outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire.
 
In a cave beyond town,
sleeping bears cuddle.

Thanks for taking the time to read, and give me your thoughts guys. I agree about the word "outside", but when I cut it and start the next sentence with snow, something just doesn't seem right to me. I have made a little change though, and cut "sound".

I don't mean to critique a critique, but I don't really know what you mean by "written expression" Pyxx. If you could be more specific, it would help me understand what you find lacking. I do sort of understand what you could mean, as I wasn't really trying to "express" anything with this poem - more just create an image that encapsulates a feeling instead of specifically trying to express something. Of course, it could just mean "I think this sucks" which is fine, but I'd like to know why you think it sucks if possible.

Hi,

I have to go out soon and as such I don't really have enough time to elaborate on the questions you have, just yet. I really just wanted to say that I do not think that 'your work sucks'. If anything I think that using this word to 'critique' another persons work has negative connotations and is also probably not very conducive to their improvement or self confidence. Constructive criticism is just this, criticism that is also constructive.

A constructive critique offers advice to the author on things that may improve a work. I speak for myself when I say that  constructive criticism appears to be a possible foundation for any aspiring poet, artist, musician, to learn from and improve. Remember I am a novice here too and I feel that the critiques I have received have helped me to improve my own work, hopefully ^_^

Anyway, merely stating that someone's 'work sux' offers little reason or insight as to how a work could be improved and is definitively not constructive, if anything, it's probably a little mean, too. I was merely attempting to go through your work line through line and offer advice...

I will definitely get back to your questions and elaborate further to the best of my ability.   

I agree for the most part, constructive criticism is definitely the key. I don't think you necessarily have to say "this could be improved by x, y, and z" however. I think the best critiques are just detailed, honest reactions to a poem; if you think something is terrible, it doesn't do anyone any good for you to tell them otherwise.

For instance, while "I think this stanza sucks." isn't useful to a writer, "I think this stanza sucks, because the first line is a cliche, you use "I" five times over three lines, and I knew that "fly" would rhyme with "sky" before even starting the last line" could most definitely be useful if it makes them think about their work in a new light.

I was just wondering what the "because" was for the written expression part of your critique. All the best, WJ

Hi,

I have previously said I'm still a newb here so feel free to 'crit the crit', its all good   I could be wrong with my critique and these examples anyway, perhaps I am reading this work the wrong way, like in the context of creative writing instead of poetry. Maybe there are two different ways to critique creative writing and poetry however the Pigpen requests that everyone critique. So here goes, one detailed critique by a newb at your request. Yep. I think that was what I was trying to elaborate on in reference to written expression...for example, instead of writing:

"I look out onto the horizon of a post-apocalyptic city. "

...its could also be written

"I stare out past a haphazard tumble of debris; steel pokes through broken slabs of concrete and twisted monoliths scrape the sky like splintered finger bones"


But this is an example of creative writing not poetry, unfortunately creative writing is the only example I can provide as I don't have as lot of experience here. Anyway, does this answer your question about imagery? On the subject of writing, when I was studying our teachers would always ask us what it was that we wanted to write. Short story, poetry Haiku? When I was studying....and this advice may be incorrect and dependent on location, like where you live in the world and stuff.  In class the teacher would say with creative writing 'show, don't tell'. We were also asked to consider what it was that we were trying to say about our characters and the world they inhabit.... 

For example what is it that you are trying to convey with the bears in the cave? Maybe your story is about family, how would you tie the family and the bears together?

With:

Outside, snow and wind tangle,
grids of power into knots of wire.

It may be possible to refer to the things that are outside as a means for the audience to establish that what you have written about is happening outside to move the perspective of the story to the outside of the cottage. How could this be done? Perhaps consider the surroundings. I think your work takes place in a small village. Are there houses or is it in a place with a small clearing?

I don't traditionally write poetry...anyway I just kinda like "in a huddle of blankets" instead of "in a huddled mass of blankets"  but its your work n'stufffff.
In response to your question about rhyme. From other critiques on this forum and discussion on using rhyme techniques "I" 'fly' 'sky'  is apparently not a good way to move through a poem, but I think you have already mentioned this.


Written quickly. Its rough but, all my stuff is, my muse really did run screaming. Just an idea of how to move the perspective from an indoor setting to an outdoor one by using the environment and perhaps to also tie the bears in, with the family. In class we had assessments where we would try to provide feedback on our classmates work too, I have seen some suggestions in the forum that do this also so perhaps it's all good. This was the kind of stuff we did in class for assessment, btw.



At small cottage near the edge of town.
In a huddle of blankets;
a family reads by firelight.
The dogs yawn echos quietly over the storms howl/sound.
 
The moon rises high into the night,
forest pines bow to bedrock.
Wind and snow tangle;
grids of power into wire knots.
 
In a deep cave not too far away,
bears cuddle.
Sleeping;
till summer breaks the day.



Feel free to slap me for crappy use of, "punctuation". Anyway I think I have already said, I am still a newb, lol. The expression 'take everything with a grain of salt', comes to mind. I have never seen snow, indoors or otherwise, btw. So this should give you an idea of how much I actually know about this cold white stuff you write about, see 'grain of salt'. ^_^

[tectak]

Edit 2:


Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of blankets,
a family sits together. No one disagrees...the imagery is just fine. The stanza is weakened, though, by the  global inversion. What is more important to the image? The family huddled together in a mass of blankets...in front of a warm fire...reading. What you have done is invert the primary image and bring the secondary in to pole position. This is sometimes a deliberate device to "build" a picture, but as an opening stanza, for this reader, it fails by cadentic steps. What you mean to say is open now to specultion. "A family sits together, huddled in a mass of blankets, reading by firelight." Works for me. No meter, no matter...
 
The dogs yawn echoes quietly over the storm; How many dogs? Two, three, four?
perhaps that explains the improbable echo of a yawn over a storm...the dogs are yawning in  induced sequence....yawns do that. Oh, hang on. Only ONE yawn. Hmmm. Only one dog then. Missing echo is one thing, missing apostrophe is two or more.Proof read.
outside, snow and wind tangle ...you are correct. The comma after outside. Otherwise there are two kinds of snow. The outside snow and...er...the inside kind. Sorry, mustn't crit the crit...no name mentioned....you know who you are.
grids of power into knots of wire. This is one of those images that only a mother could love. I kind of like what I see but not as much as you do....and it should be the other way round. I think it is caused by the disconnect from the drowsy, homey, cosy talk, to the linesman for the county jargon. Grids? Power? Wire? Hell, I was just nodding comfortably off ...now I need to go out, in this storm, lose my page, trip over the dog in the dark and start the generator....all because there was a spike load causing a cascade power outtage of the 13.2 kv transformer sub-station overload trips. Sheeesh.
 
In a cave beyond town,
sleeping bears cuddle. Well, awwwwww. OK. It's a wrap. I think you will get more praise than piss-taking for this.....and quite right, too. A very fine contra. Worthy. It was close, though.

Hello and a tentative well done. Edits work like honing a knife. Once it's sharp, stop grinding away....
Best,
tectak

Edit 1:

Reading by firelight

in a huddled mass of blankets,
a family sits together.
 
The dogs yawn echoes quietly
over the sound of the storm.
Outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire.
 
In a cave beyond town,
sleeping bears cuddle

Original:

Reading by firelight
in a huddled mass of flesh,
the family dogs yawn echoes peace.
 
Outside, snow and wind tangle
grids of power into knots of wire.
 
In a cave outside town,
sleeping bears cuddle as usual.