Another Man's Land

[Beacherjosh]

Another Man's Land

I can’t fathom the aptitude of your resilience, distance is the existence I have come to know, and it is insidious.
The smell of my lonely room conjures the shadow of people I do not associate with--
when the lights are out.
These villainous shadows lurk at every flicker of light, encroaching with a grand scheme.
Their master plan. I know a thing or two about master plans.
They are dramatized, acted out, pure talent looking to scout.
Master plans are a man’s scam at every flicker that life generates.
Every moon set, every smiling compliment with hands tied.
They grow a romance bud, left to bloom, with a bottle of miracle grow in hand.
All the options come pre-canned; a ready con-man.
Now I formed a river, a yard, and a man. A house, and a distant land; grew trees and fruit.
“No vacincy” is up with a room to fill.
They knock and they mock, they try to fit their key in the lock. But I’ll wait with my shadows.
It’s distressing when the sun sets, the shadows engulf the land, and an uncanny world comes to stand.
It dances and smiles, and she likes the idea of a child...but it is just a master plan at this moment of life’s flicker.
The day comes to rise, and off comes his disguise, just a man with a plan, and a key in his hand off to try again in another man’s land.

[Erthona]

I am not really sure what is suppose to be going on here. I generally try to give a person the benefit of the doubt, however I can see no justification for the odd line length, nor the over reliance on word play that seems to almost completely cover up any meaning the writer might be trying to impart. If it weren't for such errors as "the shadow of people" when it should be "shadows" and the misspelling of "vacincy", I might tend to overlook these other things as intentional, but I think they are not. The writer has a very good talent for rhyme and word play, but seems to as yet not have gotten it under control, or else is just having too much fun with it. Power without control will do you no service, even though it is a lot of fun. Hauling off and hitting the tennis ball over the backstop is lots of fun, but your partner will quickly grow bored and walk away, so to will ones readers.

There are many nonsensical or ambiguous statements, such as :

"The smell of my lonely room conjures the shadow of people I do not associate with--when the lights are out."

Does this mean these are people the speaker does not associate with when the lights are out, or the smell of the room conjures shadows when the lights are out?

Such statements as "distance is the existence I have come to know" with no explanation makes little sense, whether one consider what comes before and after it or not.

Further down the "Shadows" have a "Master Plan" although the reader is never informed what this is, and somehow this turns into a "man's scam" and on and on. Mishmash into mishmash, then eventually "a man with a plan" not that, that is a cliche or anything. Still, with all this twisting and turning the reader is left with no more understanding than when he started.

I do not wish to be unkind, and maybe someone else with be better to you and you can just ignore my comments. Sorry, I can tell you put a lot of effort into this, but you really should at least run it through spell checker at the minimum. It really changes the perception of a piece if all the words are spelled correctly as to not so. Do not be discourage, you do appear to be talented with your rhyme and word play and talent cannot be learned.

Dale

[Eluoh]

Another Man's Land

I can’t fathom the aptitude of your resilience, distance is the existence I have come to know, and it is insidious. (A bit forceful with the word choice and word play here.)
The smell of my lonely room conjures the shadow of people I do not associate with--
when the lights are out.  (You're adding a last minute statement to the previous line, and it does not work well in this setup.  Maybe start with "When the lights are out" before conveying the conjuring of others' shadows.)
These villainous shadows lurk at every flicker of light, encroaching with a grand scheme.
Their master plan. I know a thing or two about master plans.  ("Their master plan." is an incomplete sentence, and in regards to flow it is not easy on the mind to read, and it doesn't work well to leave it so incomplete.)
They are dramatized, acted out, pure talent looking to scout.  (This sentence is a little frustrating to read.  The punctuation is iffy for me, and there's something that's too incomplete about it.)
Master plans are a man’s scam at every flicker that life generates. (You've already used "at every flicker", and it is now distastefully repetitive)
Every moon set, every smiling compliment with hands tied.
They grow a romance bud, left to bloom, with a bottle of miracle grow in hand.
All the options come pre-canned; a ready con-man. (What options are you referring to?  The reader gets lost here.)
Now I formed a river, a yard, and a man. A house, and a distant land; grew trees and fruit.  (How and why did you get to this point?)
“No vacincy” is up with a room to fill. (Vacancy*)
They knock and they mock, they try to fit their key in the lock. But I’ll wait with my shadows. (Two sentences that don't need to be separated with periods, and would actually work with a semicolon compared to all of the semicolons you've already used.)
It’s distressing when the sun sets, the shadows engulf the land, and an uncanny world comes to stand. (You have used the word "shadows" too much.)
It dances and smiles, and she likes the idea of a child...but it is just a master plan at this moment of life’s flicker.  ("Master plan" here is repetitive and "life's flicker", although not used in that exact wording, has already come to light for us as well.)
The day comes to rise, and off comes his disguise, just a man with a plan, and a key in his hand off to try again in another man’s land.  (Wait, who--what--where--why--how?  It's all confusing.)

Erthona said most of what I was thinking when I read this.  It's too overdone in areas, and because of that any good meaning is lost, and there are too many sentences that go off in different directions from each other.  I had no idea what you were ultimately trying to convey, and the title of the poem didn't help me figure it out either.  There are a lot of incomplete and overdone sentences that need more work.  It seems like this would be a great poem if it wasn't so messy.

[Beacherjosh]

Dale, that was much needed thank you! I did use spell check, but evidently not everything was picked up (i am horrible at spelling). To me the poem seemed clear, but that is in my mind. I will have to change my word choice. Eluoh, thank your for the specifics! I'll try to have a newer version later this week... So you know what i am trying to get at with this poem. YIEKS!