Love(Explicit)

[Kreative]

I gave my love roses today
As a symbol of my love

Because that's what she expects
From every Christmas, birthday, girly magazine,
And time she heard "I put a roof over your head!"

Hugs and words mean nothing
Since they have no value or use

And when we got home she sucked my dick
Because that's what she owes me
Because I showed her I loved her

Is there anything wrong with that?

[Mark D. Windmill]

I gave my love roses today
As a symbol of my love

Because that's what she expects
From every Christmas, birthday, girly magazine,
And time she heard "I put a roof over your head!"

Hugs and words mean nothing
Since they have no value or use

And when we got home she sucked my dick
Because that's what she owes me
Because I showed her I loved her

Is there anything wrong with that?

Instant classic! thumbs up

[azure]

I gave my love roses today cliche. you could cut 'my love' and just use "her".
As a symbol of my love you are just telling me something. try to show what you did.

Because that's what she expects don't understand why this is broken up into a new strophe?
From every Christmas, birthday, girly magazine, random capping of the first words in each line isn't appropriate.
And time she heard "I put a roof over your head!" this line has some grammatical errors.

Hugs and words mean nothing
Since they have no value or use I suggest rewriting this line. it is bland and redundant.

And when we got home she sucked my dick cut 'And'.
Because that's what she owes me don't like the repetition of 'Because'
Because I showed her I loved her I suggest cutting this line and just use the last line here instead.

Is there anything wrong with that? Lol, yes yes, funny.

Yes this piece was pretty funny... Yet the end humor was stifled by grammatical errors and redundant language use. Also, apply yourself to show, not tell in your writing and you could go a long way. Thanks for the laugh.

Azure

[tectak]

I gave my love roses today
As a symbol of my love

Because that's what she expects
From every Christmas, birthday, girly magazine,
And time she heard "I put a roof over your head!"

Hugs and words mean nothing
Since they have no value or use

And when we got home she sucked my dick
Because that's what she owes me
Because I showed her I loved her

Is there anything wrong with that?

First of all, a question. Is Love(explicit) the title? Perhaps it should be.
Poetically now, this needs work. A line by line would probably be worthless because I deduce from the lackadaisical use of poetic, if not grammatical, exactitude that the message is all. If so, then well done. It is a single thought....thoughtless perhaps...expressed in prose, cut up in to random stanzas, punctuated very badly, bizarrely nodding to some style of observed "poems" from fifty years ago in that every line is capitalised and yet without any attempt to use imagery, metaphor or alliteration.
The use of "from" L2, S2 is jarring. From Christmas, from birthday, from girly magazine, from time she heard? No. Rework.
Sentiment? I question the effort but only on the grounds of shallowness.
Best,
tectak