Next morning

[Leanne]

Edit #1 17/11/14

Sunlight glinting on the sink reveals
only remnants of another evening to regret,
sad little crumbs of lipstick, worn
elastic, despair.

Bunny came from a crowded burrow.
No distinguishing features,
just youth and shyness.
Nobody wants you in your dull fur;
shave, polish,
advertise.

Pixels look pretty. Smooth, enhance,
engage. Old dogs become wild wolves,
easy to please with flesh.

Bright smiles cannot shine
under hands that grope, sweat,
turn to claws and
snap!

Bunny brushes away the taste
of the dog that whimpers
until it stops.


Original

Sunlight glinting on the sink reveals
there is no minty goodness,
only remnants of another evening to regret,
sad little crumbs of smudged lipstick, worn
elastic, despair.
Bunny came from a crowded burrow,
no distinguishing features,
just youth and shyness
that lied to her loins.  Nobody wants
you in your dull fur; shave, polish,
advertise.
Pixels look pretty.  Smooth, enhance,
engage.  Old dogs become wild wolves,
easy to please with flesh.
Bright smiles cannot shine
under hands that grope, sweat,
turn to claws and 
snap!
Bunny brushes away the taste 
of the dog that whimpers
until it stops.

[bena]

I'll have to read this one several times before I do a line by line. Off hand I would say the metaphor is striking, but it does get a bit ambiguous. I'll return once I've had time to digest.

mel.

[Leanne]

Cheers Mel, maybe I should just go back to writing limericks.

A girl like her didn't deserve
to have to give head to a perve
he stood there and smoked
she gagged and she choked
then bit off his willy -- what nerve!

[bena]

you made me snort. That isn't sexy at all. ~~

love ya,
mel

[just mercedes]

Minty! That made me laugh. No one should give head jobs unless they enjoy it. What a sad story - but why did she wait 'til morning to clean her teeth?

[Leanne]

Just a really long night.

[Keith]

Hi Leanne
I like how dirty and gritty you make this feel with a few well chosen words, you reveal the sordid nature of the poem in a trail of words that compound each image taking the reader deeper into detail. I have some comments below.

Sunlight glinting on the sink reveals
there is no minty goodness, minty goodness I guess could be a local advert for freshness or fresh breath  but it feels a bit off to me goodness implies nourishment?  
only remnants of another evening to regret,
sad little crumbs of smudged lipstick, worn
elastic, despair. These two lines are packed with feeling and image, not sure you need 'smudged' worn elastic (just great) implies everything the reader needs to see

Bunny came from a crowded burrow, I like the metaphor it lets the reader feels sorry for the Bunny and give us insight as to why the Bunny is there in the first place low self esteem, very well done.
no distinguishing features,
just youth and shyness
that lied to her loins.  Nobody wants
you in your dull fur; shave, polish,
advertise. this step through is quite controlling almost instructive (if that's the right word)

Pixels look pretty.  Smooth, enhance,
engage.  Old dogs become wild wolves,
easy to please with flesh. very true..too true

Bright smiles cannot shine
under hands that grope, sweat,
turn to claws and 
snap! the contrast of the two images is powerful and well done

Bunny brushes away the taste 
of the dog that whimpers
until it stops. no brushing will take away the taste of this ending.


Thanks Leanne, very much enjoyed the lesson.

[GerryMattia]

Sunlight glinting on the sink reveals
there is no minty goodness,
only remnants of another evening to regret,
sad little crumbs of smudged lipstick, worn
elastic, despair.

Bunny came from a crowded burrow,
no distinguishing features,
just youth and shyness
that lied to her loins.  Nobody wants
you in your dull fur; shave, polish,
advertise.

Pixels look pretty.  Smooth, enhance,
engage.  Old dogs become wild wolves,
easy to please with flesh.

Bright smiles cannot shine
under hands that grope, sweat,
turn to claws and 
snap!

Bunny brushes away the taste 
of the dog that whimpers
until it stops.

The great part about being a poet, is that every once in a while you get to type on another's bit. Love this. The anger about advertising. . . testing on animals you did not do here - but you made yourself the lab test. This one is test for the reader. Are you paying attention? Self evaluation goes a LOOOONG way.

[Keith]

Come on guys please remeber this has been posted in serious, all I have read so far have been one liners that do not offer the poet very much by way of constructive feedback. Imagine if this was your poem, would you be happy? most of the comments so far wouldn't even cut it in mild. Mod 

[Leanne]

Thanks for your excellent critique, Keith. "minty goodness" was the building block for the poem, but I am not attached and will think about how to reword it -- although there must be toothpaste
I need lipstick, but probably not smudged, that's a good call that I'll let sit for a minute or two before changing, but will most likely agree with you.
Again, thank you. Clearly it's not too difficult to figure out, if you're not focussing entirely on the literal and absolute surface.

[Brownlie]

Cheers Mel, maybe I should just go back to writing limericks.

A girl like her didn't deserve
to have to give head to a perve
he stood there and smoked
she gagged and she choked
then bit off his willy -- what nerve!

I like that you shift the locus of power on the last line.

[Brownlie]

Sunlight glinting on the sink reveals
there is no minty goodness, -- You could maybe put minty goodness in quotes as if it were an advertising slogan.
only remnants of another evening to regret, -- I don't think you necessarily need regret here. The extra syllables help with a "flow," but I think the word weakens the content (you know, on a lexical level or something).
sad little crumbs of smudged lipstick, worn
elastic, despair. -- I'm not sure I like the list descriptors here.

Bunny came from a crowded burrow, -- I think bunny is a pretty good name, if this is fictional.
no distinguishing features,  --
just youth and shyness -- This shows a vulnerability, but it is also done pretty abstractly.
that lied to her loins.  Nobody wants
you in your dull fur; shave, polish,
advertise.

Pixels look pretty.  Smooth, enhance, -- I like the pixels because we now have computerized images of the human body that are widely distributed.
engage.  Old dogs become wild wolves, -- My urge is to pause after the word become. Is "wild" particularly important, aside from the consonance and the marked quality it gets from leaning towards a spondee? I say that because the next line feels like it can be expressed in a single adjective before wolves. You also have an ossified phrase "old dogs" transforming into a metaphorical use of wolves.
easy to please with flesh. -- flesh is the most important word here, but it seems like this can be more succinct.


Bright smiles cannot shine
under hands that grope, sweat,
turn to claws and -- Maybe a comma before and (it might change things, or make them worse. It's a change I guess). Interesting sound you've created here though.
snap!

Bunny brushes away the taste 
of the dog that whimpers
until it stops.

I left some comments. I think there is an interesting aspect of sound where lines end in the middle of lists that could be used to present a type of culture.

[milo]

Sunlight glinting on the sink reveals
there is no minty goodness,
only remnants of another evening to regret,
sad little crumbs of smudged lipstick, worn
elastic, despair.

Bunny came from a crowded burrow,
no distinguishing features,
just youth and shyness
that lied to her loins.  Nobody wants
you in your dull fur; shave, polish,
advertise.

Pixels look pretty.  Smooth, enhance,
engage.  Old dogs become wild wolves,
easy to please with flesh.

Bright smiles cannot shine
under hands that grope, sweat,
turn to claws and 
snap!

Bunny brushes away the taste 
of the dog that whimpers
until it stops.

I didn't find anything here overly difficult to "get" per se so maybe I am just reading it wrong.  I liked the conversion to allegory - bunny and the wolves - perfect. There is something strange - tense wise - about this whole affair.  She is brushing her teeth the morning after (present) so is the dog still whimpering (present) until it stops (present) or did that happen before?

I don't care for youth and shyness lying to her loins. It feels too weak and easy.

If you do get rid of "minty goodness" I would say keep the minty and look for a different noun.

I think as a whole, i would enjoy it more if you actually played the allegorical parts up more.  Maybe even developed it further.

Anyway, just some thoughts for now, I know it isn't much, i will try to mull it over a bit later.

[Leanne]

Thanks milo. I intend first and last strophes as present tense, the middle as background.

The youth and shyness part that you find problematic -- I want to convey the idea that although she is inexperienced and has been convinced that she is undesirable, she desperately wants to be viewed as attractive. Any suggestions welcome.

[milo]

Thanks milo. I intend first and last strophes as present tense, the middle as background.
The youth and shyness part that you find problematic -- I want to convey the idea that although she is inexperienced and has been convinced that she is undesirable, she desperately wants to be viewed as attractive. Any suggestions welcome.

youth and shyness is conveyed fine as you just say it which isn't as problematic. i found the "lying to her loins" part of the statement to be the weakest part of the poem. Not sure I could really offer any alternatives. Of course the name "bunny" and the descriptions of fur already conveyed youth and shyness but that is besides the point here I think. For me, I would prefer her youth and shyness to be doing anything other than "lying to her loins" I think - maybe even "baking a cake", "exiting a mosh pit" "regretting sunday school tea socials" - whatever.

[Leanne]

Sunlight glinting on the sink reveals
there is no minty goodness,
only remnants of another evening to regret,
sad little crumbs of smudged lipstick, worn
elastic, despair. Hmmm. I want you to know that right  now this is speak-easy. I don't feel like taking the cameo apart. What is the old fool babbling on about? Well, though I "get" the imagery, and I accept the circumstance, I cannot tell what it is that screams "change me". Is it the imprecision ( you can be imprecise and call it a virtue) of  a "crumb" being a "smudge". Hell, how to interpret that? Tell me more about the solidification of "despair". I get the gut feeling but you are not responsible for....ah! Got it! It is "the english" grammar. You have run on. "Sad little crumbs" just CANNOT apply to smudges, elastic and abstractions like "despair". Sorry, but you know I can be pedantic. So shoot me and put it right posthumously. See if I don't care.


Bunny came from a crowded burrow,
no distinguishing features,
just youth and shyness
that lied to her loins.  Nobody wants
you in your dull fur; shave, polish,
advertise. Yes to this but grammatically the punctuation is slapdash and loose. You get away with too much because you are brilliant. That way lies sychophancy. The crowded burrow had no distinguishing feature? You said it.

Pixels look pretty.  Smooth, enhance,
engage.  Old dogs become wild wolves,
easy to please with flesh. OK. I do this a good deal. Like just there. Statementalising. Who says old dogs become wild wolves? Mine has arthritis, hip dysphasia and fatty lypomas. She is about as wild as camomile....again, I get it, and actually like the "please with flesh" metaphor....but is it precise? Ho hum


Bright smiles cannot shine
under hands that grope, sweat,
turn to claws and
snap! Yes. Yes. Yes. This is real and probably veracious. Were you in Wandsworth 1970? Seriously, liking the trap. Snap!


Bunny brushes away the taste
of the dog that whimpers
until it stops. I don't need this stanza. It is gratuitously dramatic and though I will be shot down for saying so doesn't everything go until it stops. Fuck it. That's as pedantic as I can get on wine. Break out the Scotch and gird your loins...Bunny lied  


Best,
tectak

[Leanne]

Many thanks, Tom. How can a crumb be a smudge? Well, poetic licence, that's how! How can a moon be a ghostly galleon? Mushrooms and all that... Since that's a majority of two people who can read who don't like smudges, I shall remove. As to the run-on in that stanza, yes, I want them all to be crumbs. That's what comes out, even the elastic.
I thought about swapping the first two lines of the second stanza on the back of your issues, but have decided to just go with a full stop. It's incorrect punctuation but it's a poem, after all, not an essay. To appease milo I shall also remove the line that bothered him (to appease milo and because he's probably quite correct, but for god's sake don't tell him).
Online, there are many wolves and they are wild. Or so they tell themselves, before they put on their NHS specs. What's more, they act as if domestication and rules of polite society do not apply to them.
"until it stops" was meant to imply pretty much that... nothing happens to silence it but time, and running out of whimpers. Although you don't need it, it pleases me as a bookend and it's clear from some other readings that even with this much information, people demand more. I am no longer sure whether I should write to satisfy their demands for instant gratification or my fading insistence that readers will put in the effort if you give them the opportunity.
Thank you for your excellent and non-sycophantic critique (that's how you spell it, by the way ). I don't come here for a hot damn and fawning -- it's bikini season in real life so I get enough of that here

[SimikPK]

Everyone said pretty much everything relevant, but one thing I think: For some wolves, youth and shyness are THE distinguishing features. Just a thing to thnik about.
Simon

[Leanne]

Everyone said pretty much everything relevant, but one thing I think: For some wolves, youth and shyness are THE distinguishing features. Just a thing to thnik about.
Simon

Indeed. Some of us learn that very early in life. Thank you

[SimikPK]

Not sure how serius this was meant. If very, I am really sorry.