Unfinished Bath

[pickles]

~Unfinished bath~

My body bloodied and filthy, dragged thru the rocky creek. Then into it’s culvert. Unconscious but I aver that I could see myself. The water rushed passed my broken limbs. It feels cleansing, a baptism that would end when pushed thru the exit of my tubular laver.

My captor, my killer, my savior. I did not know who, perhaps all of them releases my arm and I sink to the shallow bottom. Stuck halfway between the ominous certainty that was it’s maw, and the hope of bursting anew in the ends light.

That view is now of my shortcomings. It no longer comforts, but the source of my bitterness. Feeling wronged and innocent as I drown now. Eyes awake but without the strength save myself, as if I could. My pleas heard but fruitless as this beautiful drain let’s me rest.

By K. Adam Wright

[spacecoaster]

~Unfinished bath~ I like the title but i am not sure why. it doesn't connect for me

My body, bloodied and filthy, dragged thru the rocky creek. Then into it’s culvert. Unconscious but I aver that I could see myself. The water rushed passed my broken limbs. It feels cleansing, a baptism that would end when pushed thru the exit of my tubular laver.
The tense changes with rushed and feels. it should remain consistant

My captor, my killer, my savior. I did not know who, perhaps all of them releases my arm this part bothers me but i dont know how to fix it It is too many words and not much informationand I sink to the shallow bottom. Stuck halfway between the ominous certainty that was it’s maw, and the hope of bursting anew in the ends light.

That view is now of my shortcomings. It no longer comforts, but the source of my bitterness. Feeling wronged and innocent as I drown now. Eyes awake but without the strength save myself, as if I couldseeems repetative and unnecessary. My pleas heard but fruitless as this beautiful drain let’s me rest.

I personally would remove some of the smaller descriptors like the, it, a, etc. I personally like my poetry with mostly "meat". I have a distinct image in my head along witht the emotions that go along with it. Good job showing your work.

[tectak]

[quote='pickles' pid='178061' dateline='1415064006']
~Unfinished bath~

My body bloodied and filthy, dragged thru the rocky creek. Then into it’s culvert. Unconscious but I aver that I could see myself. The water rushed passed my broken limbs. It feels cleansing, a baptism that would end when pushed thru the exit of my tubular laver.

My captor, my killer, my savior. I did not know who, perhaps all of them releases my arm and I sink to the shallow bottom. Stuck halfway between the ominous certainty that was it’s maw, and the hope of bursting anew in the ends light.

That view is now of my shortcomings. It no longer comforts, but the source of my bitterness. Feeling wronged and innocent as I drown now. Eyes awake but without the strength save myself, as if I could. My pleas heard but fruitless as this beautiful drain let’s me rest.

By K. Adam Wright


Hello Adam,
Truthfully, it is pretty dire. The spelling mistakes will only remain unnoticed by those whose spelling is worse than yours but spelling CAN be corrected. So correct it.
Its not it's.
through not thru ( no matter what you say)
aver?
them releases?

I could go on but the biggest elephant in the room is lack of direction...or perhaps I should rephrase that...you are going off in all directions at once and have forgotten that THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A POEM!
What makes you think it is? No rhyme, rhythm, metaphor, alliteration, imagery...you do not need all, but you do need some. Your grammatical sentence structures are abysmal...an example. "It no longer comforts, but the source of my bitterness." Why does a mouse when it spins? Because the higher they get the fewer. Harrumph
tubular laver? Seaweed? Huh?
end's light. (but no idea what this means)

Start again. Get your central metaphor polished. Choose real words. Check their meaning. Check the spelling. Write in sentences. Try to show, not tell.
Punctuate to clarity.
Re-submit,
do not give up.
Best,
tectak

[coy]

The two posters above me about covered almost all of my thoughts. I thought your poem invoked some vivid and morose imagery. But I have to agree with Tectak, I don't know what's happening! How/why is this woman bleeding out inside of a creek?

Although I enjoyed what you wrote, it seems like an excerpt from a gripping book, not a poem.

[twinked]

I like the poem, its imagery and the direction I can follow. There are some words that I could not understand like tubular laver, google search did not find satisfactory explanation.

Unfinished bath -- unfinished because the person never gets out of the water but rests there?

Maybe I would prefer more connection for the marked with previous part in the 2nd verse as the gap is little bit bigger, but it's fine as it is if you prefer.

My captor, my killer, my savior. I did not [don't, maybe better?] know who, perhaps all of them releases [release?] my arm and I sink to the shallow bottom. -->Stuck halfway between the ominous certainty that was it’s maw, and the hope of bursting anew in the ends light.<--

The twist in the last verse is nice, the change of heart.What would be a reason for no strength to save yourself, but pleas could be made.

Few commas here and there could strengthen your structure?

[Paint with words]

I feel as though this is something that could only be understood by those with similar feelings but for me, since I can't really relate or think in the exact same fashion, the wording doesn't appear to be telling me anything of importance or worth reading into. It's too difficult to tell what it's all about for me really.

[Pious Baloney]

When I happened upon this passage...I found the format foreign to me.  It seems you have three summarized paragraphs instead of say 15-20 organically written verses/stanzas.  If you were to refine your passage with those latter verses...perhaps it would be an improved platform to delivering your piece to the reader.

For me...there is the image of your battered and broken down body about to get a 'bath'.  The cleansing courtesy of somebody that is part evil and part compassionate.  You are fully aware of what is happening in real-time...and the cleansing feels both good and bad.  Even though there is a degree of good...you determine the good is not worth it ultimately because the degree of bad means a one-way ticket to doom.  The poem ends with the bath trending towards the doom...but this cleansing business is unfinished.  

The part highlighted below made no sense to me.


~Unfinished bath~

My body bloodied and filthy, dragged thru the rocky creek. Then into it’s culvert. Unconscious but I aver that I could see myself. The water rushed passed my broken limbs. It feels cleansing, a baptism that would end when pushed thru the exit of my tubular laver.  <--- 'when pushed thru the exit of my tubular laver' is very confusing.

My captor, my killer, my savior. I did not know who, perhaps all of them releases my arm and I sink to the shallow bottom. Stuck halfway between the ominous certainty that was it’s maw, and the hope of bursting anew in the ends light.

That view is now of my shortcomings. It no longer comforts, but the source of my bitterness. Feeling wronged and innocent as I drown now. Eyes awake but without the strength save myself, as if I could. My pleas heard but fruitless as this beautiful drain let’s me rest.

By K. Adam Wright

[Rustymetal]

I quite liked this poem. I am a new writer so I don't have a lot of knowledge on what poems are supposed to be. I took the poem to be about being caught in a flooded creek and being swept powerlessly into a drain. I have been in a drain and I have seen pics of lava tubes so I can see why you might choose that image especially coming from the perspective of being inside the drain rather than looking down into it. I found it to be a bit confusing in places "Unconscious but I aver that I could see myself."???? and the middle verse. I clicked on because of the title but I think the bath was surely finished at the end (just like the unfortunate victim). I like to see unusual subjects though.