Anxiety (mwaba don)

[Mwaba don]

Blood throbbing over the foreheads temples,
like fluctuating electric current
causing irritating flickering light,
nerving palpitations frightfully arise.

Sparing no effort to Stay focused,
like magnolia trees swayed by strong
winds blossom in late winter signaling spring,
through my abilities my fears are climbed.

Holding on to self for the calmness to befall,
like a net cast in deep waters laying in wait for
the swimming fishes, tapping my feet on patience
and my deed’s cast in faith till the wait pays off.

Anxious moment after anxious moment
cleansing my fears and growing in confidence.

[rayheinrich]

Blood throbbing on foreheads temples,
like fluctuating electric current
causing irritating flickering light,
nerving palpitations frightfully arise.

Sparing no effort to Stay focused,
like magnolia trees swayed by strong
winds blossom in late winter signaling spring,
through my abilities my fears are climbed.

Holding on to self for the calmness to befall,
like a net cast in deep waters laying in wait for
the swimming fishes, tapping my feet on patience
and my deed’s cast in faith till the wait pays off.

Anxious moment after anxious moment
cleansing my fears and growing in confidence.

Remove 90% of your adjectives and adverbs and calm your feverish mind.
Write like you're talking to a friend -- plain, simple. Once you've mastered this,
you can embellish it; once you've mastered this, you won't want to.

[Mwaba don]

Blood throbbing on foreheads temples,
like fluctuating electric current
causing irritating flickering light,
nerving palpitations frightfully arise.

Sparing no effort to Stay focused,
like magnolia trees swayed by strong
winds blossom in late winter signaling spring,
through my abilities my fears are climbed.

Holding on to self for the calmness to befall,
like a net cast in deep waters laying in wait for
the swimming fishes, tapping my feet on patience
and my deed’s cast in faith till the wait pays off.

Anxious moment after anxious moment
cleansing my fears and growing in confidence.

Remove 90% of your adjectives and adverbs and calm your feverish mind.
Write like you're talking to a friend -- plain, simple. Once you've mastered this,
you can embellish it; once you've mastered this, you won't want to.

What are you really saying? Are you saying that my adjectives and adverbs are incorrectly written? or my poem is complicated because is not addressed to the right audience? Just help me understand, please.

[billy]

this is what he and i are saying:
throbbing temples,
like an electric current
causing flickering light,
palpitations arise.
keep as as simple as you can at first and then you can embellish
the above could be said as (if i were talking to my friend) :

Turn the light off
my heads twatted;
where's the fuckin' asprin

[Erthona]

How is "Sparing no effort to Stay focused"

                  like

"magnolia trees swayed by strong winds blossom in late winter signaling spring..."

First it is a run on sentence, second, it makes no sense.

You have taken something that is fairly simple, not to mention over analyzed in literature, and made it overly complex, and within that complexity seemingly lost your train of thought. This is not uncommon in neophyte poets, it is the equal in dating of trying too hard which leads to all kinds of missteps. As you know what you mean it to mean, you project that meaning onto the writing, but that is a fabrication only in your mind. Should you set this aside for several months and then return to it, I think you would wonder at just what the hell you were trying to say. This is not uncommon. Do not be discouraged, but be willing to take the feedback and learn from the mistakes. Try something with less embellishment, even if it is common place, just for practice. In fact take everything as practice. We never write anything good if we set out to write something grand.

best of luck,

Dale  

[tectak]

Blood throbbing over the foreheads temples,
like fluctuating electric current
causing irritating flickering light,
nerving palpitations frightfully arise.
Sparing no effort to Stay focused,
like magnolia trees swayed by strong
winds blossom in late winter signaling spring,
through my abilities my fears are climbed.
Holding on to self for the calmness to befall,
like a net cast in deep waters laying in wait for
the swimming fishes, tapping my feet on patience
and my deed’s cast in faith till the wait pays off.
Anxious moment after anxious moment
cleansing my fears and growing in confidence.

Hi mwaba,
Look, you really MUST get your english as she is spoke in order. This effort is quite hopelessly fabricated with words, phrasing and construction a complete dog's breakfast. Your thoughts burgeon. What you WANT to say seems interesting but what you ACTUALLY write is complicated by tortuous, unfathomable language. So complete is the effect that it seems deliberate.
Just one stanza:
Holding on to self for the calmness to befall, befall is a predictive word describing "how" something occurs. Alliteratively you would be better off with "come" because that is exactly what you want to say. Conditionality in the first words makes for a  difficult  metaphor to follow. You have given the reader an "exact" description of "why" you are "holding on to (my) self", the condition of static waiting is because you are calming down. Yes. OK. ..but what part of this very simple and clear observation is made clearer by bringing in nets, deep water, fishes, swimming ( as opposed to pogo-sticking?), foot tapping, cast cast, faith and finality. Metaphor should clarify, not obscure.
like a net cast in deep waters laying in wait for
the swimming fishes, tapping my feet on patience the net is tapping your feet? Your deeds have ownership of cast?
and my deed’s cast in faith till the wait pays off
In fact, this is an overall problem. Clean out the pseudo-poetic peregrinations and walk straight. The net metaphor is beautiful in concept but you have smothered it.
I hold myself together; I know the calm will come.
Still as a net in deep water, patiently I lie and wait
for the fishes to appear. Then I might recapture faith
in this my  cast. My deeds will be redeemed.......
or something. Your poem.
the swimming fishes, tapping my feet on patience
and my deed’s cast in faith till the wait pays off.
The last two lines are not a sentence. This seems fitting.
Please try to read out loud what you have written. If it sounds fine to you, rewrite it.
Best and with encouragement,
tectak

[azure]

I agree with Ray, calm your mind and simplify this poem. When trying to express something that we experience as novice poets, we tend to puke up a slew of nonsense and over dramatic jargon. Drop the flashy words and refine your expression. Relax, detach, and write with a tone and voice that is truly your own.

[azure]

Blood throbbing over the foreheads temples,
like fluctuating electric current
causing irritating flickering light,
nerving palpitations frightfully arise.

Sparing no effort to Stay focused,
like magnolia trees swayed by strong
winds blossom in late winter signaling spring,
through my abilities my fears are climbed.

Holding on to self for the calmness to befall,
like a net cast in deep waters laying in wait for
the swimming fishes, tapping my feet on patience
and my deed’s cast in faith till the wait pays off.

Anxious moment after anxious moment
cleansing my fears and growing in confidence.

To expand upon my critique, making it appropriate for the workshop, I'll point out some things I think didn't work at all.

I had the most trouble with the second stanza.

Sparing no effort to Stay focused,  
like magnolia trees swayed by strong
winds blossom in late winter signaling spring,
through my abilities my fears are climbed.

Okay the action of 'sparing no effort to stay focused', when compared to 'magnolia trees swayed by strong winds' is too diluted and obscure in context to the assumed meaning of this poem (an expression of the author's anxiety). Also, a tree being swayed by strong winds in my opinion, has no sound relationship to staying focused.


I Assume you meant to write:

like magnolia trees swayed by strong winds
blossoming in late winter, signalling Spring.


The way this piece is structured for me implies lack of experience. It sounded as if you tried really hard to imitate other poets, rather than effectively refining your own true poetic voice and fully utilizing your own understanding of language. Take it from someone who has done this,
don't write to please an audience. Develop originality. Strive to stay true to your own experience.

My advice? write as much as you can, and read often. Taste the wines of refined writing. Stuff you relate to of course. Keep at it and don't give up.