after the flood (edited)

[cjchaffin]

edit #1:


after the flood


There was nowhere left 
for her to turn,
after the rains
washed him away.
 
So she lay down 
upon the softened meadow,
lost in a stream of consciousness.
 
She tucked herself in
between the sheets of Ulysses
and dreamt with both eyes open,
munching lotus fruit and flowers
as the river widened its mouth.




original:


after the flood

There was nowhere
left for her to turn,
right after the rains
came and washed him away.
 
So she lay down
upon the softened meadow,
lost in a stream
of consciousness.
 
She tucked herself in
between the sheets of Ulysses
and dreamt with both eyes open,
munching lotus fruit and flowers
as the river widened its mouth.

[Keith]

after the flood

There was nowhere
left for her to turn,
right after the rains
came and washed him away.
 
So she lay down
upon the softened meadow,
lost in a stream
of consciousness.
 
She tucked herself in
between the sheets of Ulysses
and dreamt with both eyes open,
munching lotus fruit and flowers
as the river widened its mouth.

Hi cjchaffin
As a reader I wasn't sure I fully understood the message, I got the impression of loss and not wanting to face it, but there needs to be more clues for the reader to identify with. Who is he why did she give up (give herself to the river). I enjoyed the images used in the last Stanza an the link up with munching and mouth. dreaming with both eyes open gave me the impression of a person almost catatonic and the lotus fruit I thought were used to dull the senses. Just a thought but you could start with the last stanza and build on the poem from there. I hope some of this helps I would like to read a fleshed out edit. Best Keith

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey CJ,
I didn't like the word "right" in line 3. After a few reads I wondered if lines 1 and 2 might be better after 3 and 4. So it might read...

After the rains came
and washed him away,
there was nowhere left
for her to turn.  --- Just a thought

Other than that I adored S3. Made it well worth the read.
Thanks for sharing. -Paul

[milo]

after the flood

There was nowhere
left for her to turn,
right after the rains
came and washed him away.
 
So she lay down
upon the softened meadow,
lost in a stream
of consciousness.
 
She tucked herself in
between the sheets of Ulysses
and dreamt with both eyes open,
munching lotus fruit and flowers
as the river widened its mouth.

Most of this is actually /quite/ good.  I think the linebreak on L1 would be better on "left" which would give us the nice individual concept of everything being washed away with the flood and of course the enjambed reality -

There was nowhere left
for her to turn


"right" could be trimmed. you might not need "came and" either.

Originally I liked the break on "stream" (of course I am a sucker for double meaning enjambment) but after a while it started bothering me as too overt, if you will as "of consciousness" doesn't really support a whole line.

You use the same trick on "in" to begin S3 which leaves you with the problematic choice - of course the whole reads stronger without "in" and to break on a weak preposition is almost always bad but to lose it you would also lose the nice double meaning which this time accompanies a nice image. - oh, the agony of choices.

The final Strophe is the strongest in both imagery and metaphor.  The allusion to Ulysses is interesting and hammers it properly into place as joyce's deliberate refuge as opposed to Homers island or, possibly, Tennyson's:

http://www.online-literature.com/tennyson/722/

As a whole, I get a poem about a woman who has lost her man so she succumbs to the desire to /lose/ herself or forget herself by choice.  my assumption originally was that the river was grief but it could also be a literal suicide. It is the "stream of consciousness" that indicates to me that this is a virtual stream.  After the flood could reference a literal flood, a flood of grief, a flood of tears or a biblical flood.  i like the combination of elements we receive here.

Over all, one of the best poems i have read here in quite some time.  Thank you for the read.

[Todd]

Hi, here are some comments for you:

after the flood

There was nowhere--I scanned some of the comments and wholly agree with milo on the line break. When you think of this line as it sits now it doesn't make sense as a unit. There was obviously somewhere even if it was changed. By moving left up you have some poignancy, and you allow for the next line to have that layering effect where the lines seem to hold meaning and then build off of each other. 
left for her to turn,
right after the rains--The title already sets this up. While I like the alliteration for the sounds it brings, right feels unnecessary.  With the title already in place I would like to see more content variation on the line or a subtle title shift whichever you think works better. Possible adjustment to L3: "when the rains came"
came and washed him away.--as you can see by my suggestion I like came on the above line break
 
So she lay down
upon the softened meadow,--Maybe cut "the"
lost in a stream--Excellent break especially with Ulysses later. Fun 
of consciousness.
 
She tucked herself in--This is nice for the line break and the retreat into seeking childhood comfort. She was alone and she regressed to something safe. A lot of content expressed with economy. nice
between the sheets of Ulysses--Wonderful double meaning of sheets
and dreamt with both eyes open,--This also a nice paradoxical statement. To play it up more you may want to pull up "and dreamt" to end the above line.
munching lotus fruit and flowers
as the river widened its mouth.--Again, your transition from Joyce to the character of Ulysses and the lotus flowers and Lethe makes this really work. Fantastic build up to the end.

I realize that may be a lot for mild but I wanted my comments to be clear. I hope some of it helps.

Best,

Todd

[cjchaffin]

after the flood

There was nowhere
left for her to turn,
right after the rains
came and washed him away.
 
So she lay down
upon the softened meadow,
lost in a stream
of consciousness.
 
She tucked herself in
between the sheets of Ulysses
and dreamt with both eyes open,
munching lotus fruit and flowers
as the river widened its mouth.

Hi cjchaffin
As a reader I wasn't sure I fully understood the message, I got the impression of loss and not wanting to face it, but there needs to be more clues for the reader to identify with. Who is he why did she give up (give herself to the river). I enjoyed the images used in the last Stanza an the link up with munching and mouth. dreaming with both eyes open gave me the impression of a person almost catatonic and the lotus fruit I thought were used to dull the senses. Just a thought but you could start with the last stanza and build on the poem from there. I hope some of this helps I would like to read a fleshed out edit. Best Keith

hi Keith,

i know this one is a little abstract. the clue is in the stream of consciousness and the Ulysses reference, but if readers aren't familiar with James Joyce, they probably won't get much out of this, and that's ok.

i'm glad you liked the last stanza, though!

[cjchaffin]

Hey CJ,
I didn't like the word "right" in line 3. After a few reads I wondered if lines 1 and 2 might be better after 3 and 4. So it might read...

After the rains came
and washed him away,
there was nowhere left
for her to turn.  --- Just a thought

Other than that I adored S3. Made it well worth the read.
Thanks for sharing. -Paul

thanks Paul, i'm going to address that strophe in the edit. glad you liked the last part! thanks again

[cjchaffin]

after the flood

There was nowhere
left for her to turn,
right after the rains
came and washed him away.
 
So she lay down
upon the softened meadow,
lost in a stream
of consciousness.
 
She tucked herself in
between the sheets of Ulysses
and dreamt with both eyes open,
munching lotus fruit and flowers
as the river widened its mouth.

Most of this is actually /quite/ good.  I think the linebreak on L1 would be better on "left" which would give us the nice individual concept of everything being washed away with the flood and of course the enjambed reality -

There was nowhere left
for her to turn


"right" could be trimmed. you might not need "came and" either.

Originally I liked the break on "stream" (of course I am a sucker for double meaning enjambment) but after a while it started bothering me as too overt, if you will as "of consciousness" doesn't really support a whole line.

You use the same trick on "in" to begin S3 which leaves you with the problematic choice - of course the whole reads stronger without "in" and to break on a weak preposition is almost always bad but to lose it you would also lose the nice double meaning which this time accompanies a nice image. - oh, the agony of choices.

The final Strophe is the strongest in both imagery and metaphor.  The allusion to Ulysses is interesting and hammers it properly into place as joyce's deliberate refuge as opposed to Homers island or, possibly, Tennyson's:

http://www.online-literature.com/tennyson/722/

As a whole, I get a poem about a woman who has lost her man so she succumbs to the desire to /lose/ herself or forget herself by choice.  my assumption originally was that the river was grief but it could also be a literal suicide. It is the "stream of consciousness" that indicates to me that this is a virtual stream.  After the flood could reference a literal flood, a flood of grief, a flood of tears or a biblical flood.  i like the combination of elements we receive here.

Over all, one of the best poems i have read here in quite some time.  Thank you for the read.

thanks for the keen eye. milo. i'm terrible with line breaks and enjambment, but experimenting with it and getting good feedback is the only way for me to learn from my mistakes, i suppose. i like your suggestions, they make sense.

and you're right about the virtual stream. i hadn't even considered the fact that readers might think it literal until i posted it. but i can see how at first that that might be the assumption. i always like a little mystery in my poems, but not so much so that readers get completely lost and/or don't connect with it because the references are too vague or obscure.

i'm grateful for the careful read. i'll post an edit soon. thank you so much.

[cjchaffin]

Hi, here are some comments for you:

after the flood

There was nowhere--I scanned some of the comments and wholly agree with milo on the line break. When you think of this line as it sits now it doesn't make sense as a unit. There was obviously somewhere even if it was changed. By moving left up you have some poignancy, and you allow for the next line to have that layering effect where the lines seem to hold meaning and then build off of each other. 
left for her to turn,
right after the rains--The title already sets this up. While I like the alliteration for the sounds it brings, right feels unnecessary.  With the title already in place I would like to see more content variation on the line or a subtle title shift whichever you think works better. Possible adjustment to L3: "when the rains came"
came and washed him away.--as you can see by my suggestion I like came on the above line break
 
So she lay down
upon the softened meadow,--Maybe cut "the"
lost in a stream--Excellent break especially with Ulysses later. Fun 
of consciousness.
 
She tucked herself in--This is nice for the line break and the retreat into seeking childhood comfort. She was alone and she regressed to something safe. A lot of content expressed with economy. nice
between the sheets of Ulysses--Wonderful double meaning of sheets
and dreamt with both eyes open,--This also a nice paradoxical statement. To play it up more you may want to pull up "and dreamt" to end the above line.
munching lotus fruit and flowers
as the river widened its mouth.--Again, your transition from Joyce to the character of Ulysses and the lotus flowers and Lethe makes this really work. Fantastic build up to the end.

I realize that may be a lot for mild but I wanted my comments to be clear. I hope some of it helps.

Best,

Todd

thanks, Todd. i don't think your comments are too much at all; in fact, i think you're spot-on. you and milo both hit on some very important points that i'm going to address in the edit. much appreciated!!

[cjchaffin]

There was nowhere
left for her to turn,
right after the rains (I feel the right makes this awkward)
came and washed him away.

So she lay down
upon the softened meadow,
lost in a stream
of consciousness. (these stream lines are confusing with images of a meadow)

She tucked herself in
between the sheets of Ulysses (sheets of Ulysses?) Ulysses is in italics. it is the title of a James Joyce novel and the source of the stream of consciousness reference 
and dreamt with both eyes open,
munching lotus fruit and flowers (now I thought she was sleeping) 
as the river widened its mouth. (this is nice, though)

Overall, I applaud the mental gymnastics it takes to read this poem, but it lacks in the imagery department. Also, some lines seem to contradict, which is never pleasing to read.

thanks lord. i'm working on cleaning up some of the line breaks, hopefully that will clear the imagery issues up. 

[ellajam]

Hi, cj, As a reader who only gets a bit of the references and depth of the poem from reading the critiques others have posted, your edit makes a big difference to me. I am reading on the surface, but enjoying it here, it's still rich on this level. The continuity of stream of consciousness pulled the poem together for me. Nice edit, thanks for the read.

edit #1:


after the flood


There was nowhere left 
for her to turn,
after the rains
washed him away.
 
So she lay down 
upon the softened meadow,
lost in a stream of consciousness.
 
She tucked herself in
between the sheets of Ulysses
and dreamt with both eyes open,
munching lotus fruit and flowers
as the river widened its mouth.




original:


after the flood

There was nowhere
left for her to turn,
right after the rains
came and washed him away.
 
So she lay down
upon the softened meadow,
lost in a stream
of consciousness.
 
She tucked herself in
between the sheets of Ulysses
and dreamt with both eyes open,
munching lotus fruit and flowers
as the river widened its mouth.

[cjchaffin]

thanks marcella, that means a lot to me. i know the references are not going to resonate with everyone, but i like pushing the envelope every now and then. i think it's important to do so to grow.