Witchfinder

[ray]

Uncertain what to write on a Halloween theme?
Torn between a bleat on the trick or treat scene
or moaning about movies on the sequel screen?
Don’t look back lamenting what once has been,
get yourself a copy of Witch! magazine.  
Yes, Witch! magazine like you’ve taken possession -
not Which? magazine that answers all questions,  
the journal advising modern consumers
how best to invest their hard-earned riches -
but the one with magic wands and wart-removers
for those who wish to be au fait with witches.
Don’t dwell in the dark, access the facts
about women in black with pointy hats.
If you’re no longer a magazine reader

and prefer more up to the minute media
then get yourself on to Witchipedia.
 
That’s what I did - man, it’s wicked
all the things they used to do to witches.
Witch-hunting, witch-finding and witch-pricking,
witches used to be trussed up like chickens
and thrown in a pond to see if they float:
they’d burn if they do and drown if they don’t.
In consequence, you’d think there’d be no witches left,
but witches have become more circumspect
and hang out in places most folk don’t see -
I found this online dating agency
where a sorcerer can meet a sorceress
and learn the charms that leave a witch impressed.
Like eye of a toad, foot of a rabbit,
spawn of frog and a box of  black magic.
I saw a spell that caught my interest:
How to Meet a Witch – just follow these steps! 
 
Wear your clothes inside out and the wrong way round
Walk backwards to where two roads connect
Wait until the chimes of midnight sound
A witch will appear and grant any request
 
Grant any request! I thought, I’ll try it tonight
and hope I get a witch who’s a bit of alright.
So I wait until the pubs have closed,
do that palaver with all of my clothes,
start reversing down the street and see
a bunch of blokes imitating me.
(It’s Saturday night, they’re out of their heads,
like a rewind of Zombies Dawn of the Dead.)
I reached the end of the road as midnight struck,
look out for a witch and hope I’m in luck.
Then it transpired as I should have foresaw,
before my eyes appears the mother-in-law.
(Which merely confirmed what I’d long suspected.)
She says “Hurry up, tell me what your request is!”
“Well, I hoped for a young and exotic wench!”
She waved her wand and I got Dawn French.
 
 

[ellajam]

Hey, ray, I really enjoyed this. I like the way you got the reality of oppression into such a lighthearted romp of a poem.

It held my interest so well but then I had to google Dawn French, and though she may not be young IMO you could do worse. While those who know of her may think she's the perfect fit here, I'd love to see you come up with something more universally loathsome for a last line.

Thanks for posting it, good one.

[Erthona]

I think that's "eye of newt".

Like ella, it seemed a long way to go to get a punch line I had to go and look up, and of course by then it had lost its punch


Dale

[ray]

Thanks both. I wrote it a few years back for a Halloween-themed poetry slam. It won, but I wish to say I mean no disrespect to Dawn French, because she is bigger than me.