I Dream of Barcelona

[J.M.Byrnes]

I Dream of Barcelona

Sliding glass reveals leaden skies and shifting Alabama dunes;
I breathe the cold and manufactured air of dead motels
and dream of Barcelona.

High-stepping like a crippled horse, you come up
through the mounds of impure sand, glistening
with sweat and sunscreen. I draw the mildewed curtains
and dream of Barcelona.

Tan-lined, stoned and sleepy, you lie
in half-light from the louvered transom. Gulls cry above
the talk-show murmurs, and through the wall, a trailer poet
recites a dull lament. I crush my pills, pour your wine
and dream of Barcelona.

A ravaged coast inside force-five winds;
this fleeting eye, a temporary truce allowed by distance
from familiar storms. I fall beside you
and dream of Barcelona.

Untied, we drift away in separate boats, on white seas.
Before sleep, I kiss your uncertain smile
and dream of Barcelona.

[Keith]

Hi JMB
You have some very nice image strong lines here that puts the reader firmly in the motel room with the narrator. However given that you have the repeat and the title dedicated to dreams of Barcelona I felt cheated that there was no link or explanatory line that dealt or touched on anything to do with Barcelona, unless I missed something. I have added some comments below, I should say that in-spite of the repeat, I have enjoyed reading your poem particularly the dream like quality you bring to the later images.
Thanks Keith

I Dream of Barcelona

Sliding glass reveals leaden skies and shifting Alabama dunes; The opening is a little wordy for me although it takes the reader right where you want us
I breathe the cold and manufactured air of dead motels Great line that adds atmospherics to the room
and dream of Barcelona. I'm not sure why?

High-stepping like a crippled horse, you come up a very vivid image for the reader
through the mounds of impure sand, glistening
with sweat and sunscreen. I draw the mildewed curtains On my first read I thought here that you were dreaming of this person and I like that you slam us back in the cold damp room.
and dream of Barcelona. I think you know by now I don't like the repeat it feels redundant unless it goes somewhere

Tan-lined, stoned and sleepy, you lie I like this line for its sonics, lined and leep stoned and sleep and lie very nice.
in half-light from the louvered transom. Gulls cry above
the talk-show murmurs, and through the wall, a trailer poet why trailer I thought hotel motel ?
recites a dull lament. I crush my pills, pour your wine Again some very strong images I particularly enjoyed the muffled talk show and gulls
and dream of Barcelona.

A ravaged coast inside force-five winds;
this fleeting eye, a temporary truce allowed by distance
from familiar storms. I fall beside you
and dream of Barcelona.

Untied, we drift away in separate boats, on white seas.
Before sleep, I kiss your uncertain smile
and dream of Barcelona.
I enjoyed the dream like quality you bring to the last two stanzas. my one suggestion would be to swap out the repeats for actual images maybe just details but from Barcelona that way the reader gets to see the author dream of Barcelona. Cheers Keith

[J.M.Byrnes]

Kieth, thank you for reading and commenting and sorry for the slow reply.

The thrust of this was supposed to be about the narrator wanting to be somewhere else. I thought I could keep it simple, that the contrast between Barcelona and the Alabama gulf coast would be enough. If not, I'm thinking maybe I could add a second stanza that includes imagery of where he longs to be, then maybe the repetition of "and dream of Barcelona" would be sufficient. Or I could include a bit of Barcelona imagery following that -- just something succinct. I'm just going to have to work through it. I'm glad the rest of it worked for you -- that gives me incentive to make this work.

Cheers

[just mercedes]

Hi JM - there's a lot to like about your poem. There's a tension of opposites all the way through, so that helped me work out what was happening with the repeated line. Maybe you could add something more about Barcelona in the first stanza only - then the repeats would be stronger. Some nit-picking follows.

I Dream of Barcelona

Sliding glass reveals leaden skies and shifting Alabama dunes; I'm stuck on the 'sliding'- surely it reveals without sliding?
I breathe the cold and manufactured air of dead motels motels? you can't be in two
and dream of Barcelona. I really like that contrast

High-stepping like a crippled horse, you come up
through the mounds of impure sand, glistening why impure? is that needed?
with sweat and sunscreen. I draw the mildewed curtains again, great contrast
and dream of Barcelona.

Tan-lined, stoned and sleepy, you lie
in half-light from the louvered transom. Gulls cry above
the talk-show murmurs, and through the wall, a trailer poet
recites a dull lament. I crush my pills, pour your wine
and dream of Barcelona. strong stanza

A ravaged coast inside force-five winds;
this fleeting eye, a temporary truce allowed by distance
from familiar storms. I fall beside you this stanza doesn't quite do it for me
and dream of Barcelona.

Untied, we drift away in separate boats, [on white seas.] needed?
Before sleep, I kiss your [uncertain] smile  needed?
and dream of Barcelona. I can't help feeling a little let down - wanted a stronger ending

Thanks for posting this - I enjoyed reading.