Deluge

[Tiger the Lion]

Deluge

Two Sundays ago,

in that biblical rain,
you and I, cynical,
sheltered by sarcasm,
with fire enough to dry wit.
 
Two months worth in two hours
the newspaper said.

[Magpie]

Hi, there is a lot to like about this short poem here. Just a few thoughts that I've had after reading it a few times.

Deluge

Two Sundays ago, ---- I was going to say that the 'two' here with the 2 other 'twos' feels like too much                                               repetition. You could say 'Sunday before last', but I prefer 'Two Sundays ago' but bear with me because I've got a possible idea for the last line.

in that biblical rain,---- You don't really need 'in that' here it still works without it.
you and I, cynical,----- I would split this line in two at 'cynical', you could even have you, me, cynical on                                                 three separate lines without the 'and' it sounds more dramatic like bolts of lightning.
sheltered by sarcasm,
with fire enough to dry wit.----- I like these two lines a lot.
 
Two months worth in two hours----- To avoid the double repetition of the 'two' here you could say                                                                               something along the lines of 'Forty days and nights worth in an hour' which would tie in nicely with the biblical reference
the newspaper said.

Hope I haven't went too overboard, but I do like the elements of drama and the touch of humour that you've got in there, it works well.

Cheers for the read,

Mark

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi, there is a lot to like about this short poem here. Just a few thoughts that I've had after reading it a few times.

Deluge

Two Sundays ago, ---- I was going to say that the 'two' here with the 2 other 'twos' feels like too much                                               repetition. You could say 'Sunday before last', but I prefer 'Two Sundays ago' but bear with me because I've got a possible idea for the last line.

in that biblical rain,---- You don't really need 'in that' here it still works without it.
you and I, cynical,----- I would split this line in two at 'cynical', you could even have you, me, cynical on                                                 three separate lines without the 'and' it sounds more dramatic like bolts of lightning.
sheltered by sarcasm,
with fire enough to dry wit.----- I like these two lines a lot.
 
Two months worth in two hours----- To avoid the double repetition of the 'two' here you could say                                                                               something along the lines of 'Forty days and nights worth in an hour' which would tie in nicely with the biblical reference
the newspaper said.

Hope I haven't went too overboard, but I do like the elements of drama and the touch of humour that you've got in there, it works well.

Cheers for the read,

Mark

Thanks Mark. Some interesting and workable ideas. "Forty Days" had not even occurred to me. It will make a nice touch in the edit. Thanks,
Paul

[Mwaba don]

Deluge

Two Sundays ago,

in that biblical rain, (This is a nice line; Biblical rain sounds good.)
you and I, cynical,
sheltered by sarcasm,
with fire enough to dry wit. (These two line combine and read well)
 
Two months worth in two hours
the newspaper said.

It is a very nice poem, Overal. Thankyou.