Exhaling

[StanleyZ]

I'm not so sure about my punctuation here. I feel it is necessary, but it could be better.



All my problems are warm,

wet, and hollow

with oxygen exhaling

into disappearing mist,

as vapor from my blistered lips,

and I long for that extant moment

of an instance in existence

before dispersing into

cold, porous drips

like the chill of sweat

exalting from a fleshy mold.

I feel it's lustrous loss,

and I'm willing to be lost,

in the solution of the frost,

because all that warms me

wares me down to dust,

same as these vapors

ware the world to rust.

[tectak]

I'm not so sure about my punctuation here. I feel it is necessary, but it could be better.

Hi stanley.
Yes, you are challenged by punctuation. You leave too much to chance. See comments in text. Nothing insurmountable but ideas well expressed are best expressed well. Read on. Oh, and try reading your work out loud to see how it sounds. Note the use of "sounds". Reading stuff in your head is like walking from dark in to light...your eyes adjust automatically and you adapt in seconds. Read stuff in your head and your ability to "see"problems diminishes because you "adapt" quickly to your own inadequacies.

All my problems are warm,

wet, and hollow do you mean "hollow with oxygen", because that's what you wrote? Punctuate to clarity

with oxygen exhaling You exhale oxygen? That is quite serious. Are you a tree?

into disappearing mist,

as vapor from my blistered lips,

and I long for that extant moment Try to avoid weak links like "as" and "and". These words can often be omitted with impunity. Try it. Just omit that "as", end the sentence after "lips". Fullstop. Now omit the "and". Orf you go

of an instance in existence

before dispersing into

cold, porous drips

like the chill of sweat

exalting from a fleshy mold. You do not mean "exalting". I now do not trust your word use. You also mean "instant", not "instance". "dispersing"is also dodgy. You may mean "condensing". Hmm..."porous"? No.Try again. What do you think porous means and how can it be a characteristic of a drip? Read your stuff through and avoid words you are unsure of...or check and change! You owe it to yourself.

I feel it's lustrous loss,

and I'm willing to be lost,

in the solution of the frost, Just because no one has restrained you you are now running wild. I can almost, almost, get "lustrous" as a descriptor for the gloss of sweat...but not as a descriptor for loss. Nonetheless, there is a germ of an idea here. Work on it.

because all that warms me

wares me down to dust, It is worth than I sort. Wears.

same as these vapors

ware the world to rust. No for lots of reasons.

If you can straighten up and fly right you have a concept which is worthy. Do not give up on this. I am wise enough to say I am not wise enough to entirely understand this piece, but not so stupid that I cannot see that you do. Help.
Best,
tectak

[brandontoh]

I'm not so sure about my punctuation here. I feel it is necessary, but it could be better.

Punctuation helps make sentences make sense, and also helps with pacing. Just do as tectak suggests. Read out your work, and adjust the punctuation so that it sounds good.

All my problems are warm,

wet, and hollow -- Interesting start. What do you mean by problems being warm, wet, and hollow? I want to find out.

with oxygen exhaling -- The word choice here can be improved. I don't think the sound of 'oxygen exhaling' fits into the tone that you're going for.

into disappearing mist, -- It may be just me here, but 'disappearing mist' is a rather weak image, especially when it's not coupled with something else.

as vapor from my blistered lips, -- As vapor is not needed here.

and I long for that extant moment

of an instance in existence

before dispersing into

cold, porous drips

like the chill of sweat

exalting from a fleshy mold. -- The image here is good, but the word choices conflict with what you're trying to build. This part could be really strong, but you got to be more discerning with your words. It's okay to stick with simple ones, as long as they fit. In this case, 'exalt', 'instance', 'porous', 'extant', and 'disperse' are questionable choices. There is potential here, it would be such a pity to see it go to waste!

I feel it's lustrous loss, -- its?

and I'm willing to be lost,

in the solution of the frost,

because all that warms me

wares me down to dust, -- wears

same as these vapors

ware the world to rust.