Berries

[Anonymous]

Berries (Edit 1)

To sate my hunger I searched the fields,
in the lush, I found a great deal
of berries, red as a maiden's lips,
I grabbed for one, my palm got pricked!
Since I was full of joy and pleasure,
my mind neglected cautious measure.
So wisely, I proceeded with heed,
and reached in the brush at half the speed,
and grabbed the finest berry of all,
too ripe to be found at stores or stalls.
I dropped this berry in my mouth,
and sweet sensations started to spout;
I swore this fleeting taste could mend
the cut I still had yet to tend.
So when a day's events go sour,
I take a leave for about an hour,
embarking upon a berry search,
for childish fun fills the soul with mirth.

Berries (Original)

I searched the fields to sate my hunger,
and in the lush I found my plunder- 
berries, red as a fair maiden's lips-
I reached for a few, but my palm was pricked!- 
since I was elated and filled with pleasure,
my mind had slipped from cautious measure-
so my next attempt was taken with heed,
I reached in the brush at half the speed,
grabbing the ripest berry of the lot, 
so ripe, at a store, it could not be bought.
I dropped this berry into my mouth,
soon after, sensations began to spout,
for my taste buds put a fleeting mend
to the cut on my palm I had yet to tend. 
And whenever a day's events turn hairy,
I take a leave in search for berries,
as every bite is an instant escape,
that takes a little weight off of my plate.

[billy]

no need to tell us what you intended in the poem; if we don't get it on our own it will better show anything that isn't working. check here about meter
the poem will benefit from the use of iambs.
try not to be so wordy. cut away anything that doesn't add to the poem.

[Alexand3r]

this might seem like a random remark, but a poem becomes exeptional to me when sounds and thoughts i hear and have while reading begin to fade into the background. could be because of emotions (e.g. causing a spontanous smile/even tears), maybe because i recognize a fundamental truth in the content. I think there are two ways of reaching that intensity: 1) writing a poem with a lot of thought involved, comparing the effects different words/synonyms have on the poem,.... or 2) writing a poem in a spontanious moment of emotion/understanding/enlightenment... and giving in to the raw feeling, at the danger of sounding cheesy: pouring your heart out with a poem....
greez
Alex

[Anonymous]

no need to tell us what you intended in the poem; if we don't get it on our own it will better show anything that isn't working. check here about meter
the poem will benefit from the use of iambs.
try not to be so wordy. cut away anything that doesn't add to the poem.

Thanks Billy. I will work on iambs too. I'm having a hard time understanding which syllables are stressed and unstressed, but I'll keep studying it. Hopefully I can understand the rudiments of iambs by tonight or tomorrow, so I can start editing this poem. 

[Wjames]

Berries

I searched the fields to sate my hunger,
and in the lush I found my plunder- 
berries, red as a fair maiden's lips-  I think this sounds better without "a fair"
I reached for a few, but my palm was pricked!- 
This line's a little bit awkward too, I would reword it to something like:
I reached for some, my palm got pricked!

since I was elated and filled with pleasure,
my mind had slipped from cautious measure- The first line in this couplet doesn't make sense without the second line, it's not necessarily a problem, but it tripped me up the first time I read it. You're also using a lot of words in the first line to say very little; that line is essentially saying "because I was excited". You might want to try and trim some of the fat; poetry's about using little to say a lot.
so my next attempt was taken with heed, You could cut "so", and switch "taken" to a one syllable synonym l here as well.
I reached in the brush at half the speed,
grabbing the ripest berry of the lot, 
so ripe, at a store, it could not be bought.
I dropped this berry into my mouth,
soon after, sensations began to spout,
for my taste buds put a fleeting mend
to the cut on my palm I had yet to tend. 
And whenever a day's events turn hairy,
I take a leave in search for berries,
as every bite is an instant escape,
that takes a little weight off of my plate.

There's lots of things you could trim in the second half as well, but it's the same general idea as the crits I gave in the first half.

[billy]

looking forward to the edit, and don't worry too much about getting the meter right it will come to you with a bit of perseverance.

no need to tell us what you intended in the poem; if we don't get it on our own it will better show anything that isn't working. check here about meter
the poem will benefit from the use of iambs.
try not to be so wordy. cut away anything that doesn't add to the poem.

Thanks Billy. I will work on iambs too. I'm having a hard time understanding which syllables are stressed and unstressed, but I'll keep studying it. Hopefully I can understand the rudiments of iambs by tonight or tomorrow, so I can start editing this poem. 

[billy]

for now i'll just comment on the iamb side of the poem.
this is an excerpt from Leanne's instructional on meter (the part pertaining to iambic.)
 

The metric poetic line is broken up into "feet", which essentially are measures of meter. Feet are determined by syllables, not by word length. Pentameter has five feet per line, tetrameter has four, hexameter has six... you get the picture. So "iambic pentameter" has five feet, all of which are iambic. The feet can vary in makeup, depending on the type of meter chosen. Here are some of the basic kinds (this is not an exhaustive list, and people often make up their own, but here you go).
Iambic: an iamb is made up of two syllables where the stress (or accent) is placed on the second syllable.
eg. "She CANnot FADE, though THOU hast NOT thy BLISS,
For EVer WILT thou LOVE, and SHE be FAIR!" (Keats, Ode on a Grecian Urn".
Counting the accented (strongly stressed) syllables, you come up with five beats, hence these lines are in iambic pentameter, a meter which always starts a line on a soft stress and ends on a hard. Iambic meter gives a kind of sing-song, often soothing rhythm which is why it's so often used for love poetry.

lets apply the above to a few of your lines with a couple of suggestions how to correct the meter. please don't take this as a rewrite but as more of an example, i say this because the poem has a few problems outside of the meter. after an initial read it seems to be mainly in iambic tetrameter (see above)

To SATE my HUNGer; SEARCHing FIELDS,
in LUSH surROUNDings Hung  my MEAL
of BERRies, RED as MAIDen's LIPS.
I GRABBED for ONE, my PALM got PRICKED!

watch out for the rhymes if you use them and make them as perfect as you can.
reading the poem out loud will help you find the stressed and unstressed part of each foot.
once the meter and the end rhymes are sorted you can start editing for more quality. it seems hard at first but it does get easier within a shortish amount of time and effort.if you can't make a word fit the meter change it, change the line if you have to which isn't usually necessary.
remember soft sounding first part of the foot, harder sounding 2nd part. :J:

Berries (Edit 1)
To sate my hunger I searched the fields,
in the lush, I found a great deal
of berries, red as a maiden's lips,
I grabbed for one, my palm got pricked!
Since I was full of joy and pleasure,
my mind neglected cautious measure.
So wisely, I proceeded with heed,
and reached in the brush at half the speed,
and grabbed the finest berry of all,
too ripe to be found at stores or stalls.
I dropped this berry in my mouth,
and sweet sensations started to spout;
I swore this fleeting taste could mend
the cut I still had yet to tend.
So when a day's events go sour,
I take a leave for about an hour,
embarking upon a berry search,
for childish fun fills the soul with mirth.
Berries (Original)
I searched the fields to sate my hunger,
and in the lush I found my plunder- 
berries, red as a fair maiden's lips-
I reached for a few, but my palm was pricked!- 
since I was elated and filled with pleasure,
my mind had slipped from cautious measure-
so my next attempt was taken with heed,
I reached in the brush at half the speed,
grabbing the ripest berry of the lot, 
so ripe, at a store, it could not be bought.
I dropped this berry into my mouth,
soon after, sensations began to spout,
for my taste buds put a fleeting mend
to the cut on my palm I had yet to tend. 
And whenever a day's events turn hairy,
I take a leave in search for berries,
as every bite is an instant escape,
that takes a little weight off of my plate.