To Fall Asleep

[t.arcadius]

As I drift away,
You watch my closed eyes;
You wait for them to open.

I'm lost in the gray,
Not so distant skies;
Your watch remains unbroken.

And perhaps somebody told you
I'm vagabond in chains;
If I disappear on a breeeze,
I'll soon be back again.

But I will not stay forever,
I will be only passing by.
You know I'm the kind of lover
Who must always say goodbye.

Our juncture is an ephemeral touch,
As my effects acquaint your luggage rack.
It will be up to you to let me go,
Kissing me softly on my naked back.

[Kostallo]

This poem is wonderful. Speaks deeply to my soul. Very powerful I really like your use of "ephemeral" in this poem really struck hard with me. I really look forward to seeing more of your work posted in the future . I'm not the best at critique but only thing that stood out to me was the third to last line about the luggage rack I feel as though u could use a more powerful stanza for this line. I understand your meaning but it just dident punch my soul like the rest did. Great poem thank you for your post

[ellajam]

Hi, t, welcome and thank you for the critiques you've posted for others.
I'm having a tough time making sense of this. I've left you some comments to point out what I think is causing my confusion in the hope that it will help you clarify if you decide to edit.

As I drift away,
You watch my closed eyes;
You wait for them to open.

I'm lost in the gray, I don't get the point of these two lines.
Not so distant skies;
Your watch remains unbroken. You've already used two of the five lines above to say this, why repeat?

And perhaps somebody told you
I'm vagabond in chains; This seems to conflict with the two next lines, which also strike me as cliche.
If I disappear on a breeeze,
I'll soon be back again.

But I will not stay forever,
I will be only passing by.
You know I'm the kind of lover These two lines seem to repeat the ones above.
Who must always say goodbye.

Our juncture is an ephemeral touch,
As my effects acquaint your luggage rack. These two lines are fresh and interesting.
It will be up to you to let me go,
Kissing me softly on my naked back. I don't get the feeling that anything is in the control of the "you" in the poem, so the ending loses me.

So, obviously, I not getting it. I'm not asking for an explanation, just giving you one reader's POV.

Again, welcome, I hope you enjoy the site.

[chanchan77]

Hi! I'm new to the site and poetry in general so my critiquing might not be great sorry..

As I drift away,
You watch my closed eyes;
You wait for them to open.

I'm lost in the gray, <-- Don't really get these lines either, could change
Not so distant skies; <--|
Your watch remains unbroken. <-- I like how you repeat the meaning of the last 2 lines it shows how the person watching is so   determined to have you again.

And perhaps somebody told you
I'm vagabond in chains;
If I disappear on a breeeze,
I'll soon be back again.

But I will not stay forever,
I will be only passing by.
You know I'm the kind of lover
Who must always say goodbye.

Our juncture is an ephemeral touch,
As my effects acquaint your luggage rack.
It will be up to you to let me go,
Kissing me softly on my naked back.<-- This is probably my favorite line, shows that the love is raw and delicate

About my second note, about the person watching you, I think you should stress that more and add in more lines about them waiting.

Anyway sorry if this is dumb this is like my first critique and I have no clue what I'm doing. I'm mainly just pointing stuff out that I noticed or made me feel something!

[cjchaffin]

hi t.arcadius. 

i wonder if you unraveled this a bit and wrote it in free verse, would we get the same meaning? because the rhymes just don't work for me. 
also, i am sure someone else will mention this as well, but the first-word caps of each line are a bit archaic. 

that said, i have a few comments and some suggestions for you to use or lose:

As I drift away, <--right away you start off with an all too familiar phrase
You watch my closed eyes;
You wait for them to open.

I'm lost in the gray,
Not so distant skies;
Your watch remains unbroken. <-- you use "watch" too soon again here, think about word choice

And perhaps somebody told you
I'm vagabond in chains; <-- "I'm [a] vagabond in chains;"
If I disappear on a breeeze, "breeze"
I'll soon be back again. *i actually like this stanza quite a bit, almost wish the poem started here...

But I will not stay forever,
I will be only passing by.
You know I'm the kind of lover
Who must always say goodbye. *and this stanza, not so much...it just feels recycled. think about how you could say the same thing but with more original language. again, it's all about word choice here, and taking a cliche and making it new again. flip it on its head!

Our juncture is an ephemeral touch, <--not sure if "juncture" is the right word here, but i like where this is going
As my effects acquaint your luggage rack.
It will be up to you to let me go,
Kissing me softly on my naked back. <--hmm, not quite the ending i was hoping for. lacks a bit of punch but i think that's due to the rhyme

that might be a little more critique than is necessary for this forum, but i think you could strip this down and make it so much stronger. 
it comes down to the structure and word choice. forced rhymes inhibit poetry, not enhance it. 
think hard about what you really want this poem to say and then cut cut cut until you have bare bones and THEN start fleshing it out. 
it really does have potential and like i said, there are some bright spots that shine. make them shinier 

[71degrees]

As I drift away,
You watch my closed eyes;
You wait for them to open.

I'm lost in the gray,
Not so distant skies;
Your watch remains unbroken.

And perhaps somebody told you
I'm vagabond in chains;
If I disappear on a breeeze,
I'll soon be back again.

But I will not stay forever,
I will be only passing by.
You know I'm the kind of lover
Who must always say goodbye.

Our juncture is an ephemeral touch,
As my effects acquaint your luggage rack.
It will be up to you to let me go,
Kissing me softly on my naked back.

There's something here that I like but I'm sorry, I can't put my finger on it. There are too many repetitious images. The poem needs to be shorter. MUCH shorter and blocked as one stanza. "Luggage rack" is the strangest image I've seen in a while…coupled with the last line, I just get the weirdest thoughts in my head. The poem is too contemplative to leave me with a grin on my face when I finish reading. I like the placement of certain words / mood elements (e.g. vagabond, ephemeral touch, etc.)…quite lovely, actually. My advice: shorten it up and hit me with your best shot, not a volley of them.

[coolfunboy]

As I drift away,
You watch my closed eyes;
You wait for them to open.

I'm lost in the gray,
Not so distant skies;
Your watch remains unbroken. (This stanza seems a bit superfluous)

And perhaps somebody told you
I'm vagabond in chains; (Nice contrast!)
If I disappear on a breeeze,
I'll soon be back again.

But I will not stay forever,
I will be only passing by.
You know I'm the kind of lover
Who must always say goodbye. (These last two lines sound a bit like pop song lyrics)

Our juncture is an ephemeral touch,
As my effects acquaint your luggage rack. (Really, really great pair of lines)
It will be up to you to let me go,
Kissing me softly on my naked back.

Funnily enough, I think the odd numbered stanzas work very well and the even ones could do with a bit of editing, if not complete deletion. Great start though! Your language in the last stanza is wonderful.