Motif

[Tamara]

rubber trees
threaten to crack
my compound walls
on all sides
impermanence
broken from reverie



in harmony
breathing in the silence
dawn broken
swish of silk
leaves rustle
rendition by birds
in bass and treble


lying in bed
limp after last night’s
lovemaking
pouring rain
pounding on the roof
washing down the glass panes
insignia of your stubble
tabooed on my skin


thin cuts
i watch the
liquid ooze out
trickling down
crusted and harden

[brandontoh]

The font size is still too small. Also, the lack of punctuation doesn't sit well with me. I know that for certain poems, it is a deliberate stylistic choice. However, in this case I don't really see the point. 

rubber trees
threaten to crack
my compound walls
on all sides -- How do rubber trees threaten to crack walls?
impermanence
broken from reverie -- The imagery is not really effective, and the last 2 lines border on cliche.



in harmony
breathing in the silence
dawn broken -- Cliche that doesn't really do much for the poem.
swish of silk
leaves rustle
rendition by birds
in bass and treble -- I get that you're trying to introduce sounds into the imagery, and these last 4 lines do work. The last 2 can be trimmed though. (birds in bass and treble?)


lying in bed
limp after last night’s -- lying limp/after last night's
lovemaking
pouring rain
pounding on the roof
washing down the glass panes
insignia of your stubble
tabooed on my skin -- This stanza is nice, I like the clear imagery.


thin cuts
i watch the
liquid ooze out
trickling down
crusted and harden -- Good ending.

[Tamara]

thank you. the lack of punctuation and uppercase are deliberate. i like the suggestions. i will come back with an edit.

[tomoffing]

hey tamara, 

this is tender and intimate, with plenty to enjoy. 
You've fallen into a couple of traps though. You have abstraction, ambiguity and cliche, and the total lack of punctuation makes this a difficult read in places.

I've highlighted below whats good and what i think could be improved.

Thanks for posting.

rubber trees  i don't know what this image
threaten to crack
my compound walls  


trees cracking walls is a strong image. That said, your use of rubber conflicts with the cracking. I do not know whether you are referring literally to rubber trees or something further. I also do not know what compound walls are. 


on all sides
impermanence
broken from reverie

I don't know what's happening here either, this is much too abstract. 
This stanza overall needs to be clarified.


in harmony
breathing in the silence 
dawn broken
swish of silk
leaves rustle
rendition by birds
in bass and treble


the first three lines here are very cliched, but the stanza overall is much better. You need to eliminate the cliche. perhaps use the start of the birds song to highlight the breaking of dawn without specifically stating it. the onomatopoeia ([b]swish & rustle) works nicely to capture the moment.[/b]


lying in bed in bed is unnecessary. remove and combine this with the next line.
limp after last night’s
lovemaking
pouring rain
pounding on the roof remove "on"
washing down the glass panes
insignia of your stubble
tabooed on my skin should this be tatooed?

Another good stanza with some concrete sound and imagery.
Would benefit from removing some redundancy, as ive outlined.



thin cuts
i watch the
liquid ooze out
trickling down
crusted and harden i like the idea here, but its constructed incorrectly. If the liquid is crusted, it cant be trickling. Punctuation or an alternate conjugation would fix this.

overall, I really like this piece. I look forward to any edits / updates you choose to make. 
Thanks,
t

[Tamara]

edit #1/thank you brandontoh and tomoffing

i meant literally rubber trees and when there are a number of them grown close to the compound walls they tend to make cracks, that's what i have seen in some places. compound wall is boundary wall that protects one's property. i am still undecided about the punctuation, to have it or not have it. and it is tabooed. i thought it works well here instead of tattooed. the rubber tree sap trickles down and it becomes crusted. that is what i tried to convey.

rubber trees
threaten to crack
my compound walls
broken from reverie
there is impermanence
on all sides

breathing in harmony
dawn is broken
by the swish of silk
leaves rustle
rendition by birds
in bass and treble

lying limp after
last night's lovemaking
pouring rain
pounding the roof
washing down the glass panes
insignia of your stubble
tabooed on my skin

thin cuts
i watch the
liquid ooze out
trickling down
crusted and hardened

[cjchaffin]

i like the edit, it reads much stronger. and i think keeping it lowercase with no punctuation works well for the piece too. the title tells me automatically that this is going to be a series of short observations, that's why the lack of punctuation works, imho. i also like the quiet sensuality of the poem, the juxtaposition of the lovers with the imagery of the rubber trees

edit #1/thank you brandontoh and tomoffing

i meant literally rubber trees and when there are a number of them grown close to the compound walls they tend to make cracks, that's what i have seen in some places. compound wall is boundary wall that protects one's property. i am still undecided about the punctuation, to have it or not have it. and it is tabooed. i thought it works well here instead of tattooed. the rubber tree sap trickles down and it becomes crusted. that is what i tried to convey.

rubber trees
threaten to crack
my compound walls
broken from reverie
there is impermanence
on all sides

breathing in harmony
dawn is broken <--you use "broken" here too soon after using it in the previous strophe...maybe another word would be best?
by the swish of silk
leaves rustle
rendition by birds
in bass and treble

lying limp after
last night's lovemaking
pouring rain
pounding the roof
washing down the glass panes
insignia of your stubble
tabooed on my skin <--i keep reading "tattooed" but taken in the abstract, "tabooed" works well here with double meaning

thin cuts
i watch the
liquid ooze out
trickling down
crusted and hardened <--maybe "to crust and harden" might clear up some of the confusion

[t.arcadius]

I love how many ways this poem could be interpreted. I support you in the lowercase/lack of punctuation. I also like how you switch back and forth between the moment and the distractions; between dark and light. Though I do wonder how leaves rustle, birds sing, and rain pounds the roof so violently at the same time. Unless the pouring rain was the previous night during the lovemaking? This was not clear to me.

[tectak]

thank you. the lack of punctuation and uppercase are deliberate. i like the suggestions. i will come back with an edit.

Why...to what purpose...what advantage...what exceptional or unique point does inadequacy make? Are you rebellious or incompetant? Is it clever to be lacking? How does the reader know which you are? Do you care and if you do not then why should I? Do you want support from the "cans" or from the "can nots"? From those who care or from those who do not? Do you want to improve or do you want to stagnate? Do you want to be unique or one of the crowd? Ah...I get it! Yep. That's novel. DELIBERATELY not punctuating or capitalising correctly...sheesh... I wish I'd thought of that.
Best,
tectak
Oh, sorry, forgot the crit. It is good but needs some punctuation and capitalising to make it great...but what do I know?

Best,
tectak

[Tamara]

thank you.

personally i don't think poetry needs to be conventional always. i consider poetry to be an art and i like to experiment.

[tectak]

thank you.

personally i don't think poetry needs to be conventional always. i consider poetry to be an art and i like to experiment.

Of course, you are right...but not capitalising or using punctuation is not experimental any more than is putting a prism in a beam of light and being surprised by the spectrum. It has been done before.
Your poetry is the art and the experiment...your poetry is good. As an experiment, try using the established WORKABLE advantages which developed language brings. You may find that you have a whole new set of tools. No more on this unless in the discussion forum...but frankly, it is boringly deja vu.
Best,
tectak

[71degrees]

edit #1/thank you brandontoh and tomoffing

i meant literally rubber trees and when there are a number of them grown close to the compound walls they tend to make cracks, that's what i have seen in some places. compound wall is boundary wall that protects one's property. i am still undecided about the punctuation, to have it or not have it. and it is tabooed. i thought it works well here instead of tattooed. the rubber tree sap trickles down and it becomes crusted. that is what i tried to convey.

rubber trees
threaten to crack
my compound walls
broken from reverie
there is impermanence
on all sides

breathing in harmony
dawn is broken
by the swish of silk
leaves rustle
rendition by birds
in bass and treble

lying limp after
last night's lovemaking
pouring rain
pounding the roof
washing down the glass panes
insignia of your stubble
tabooed on my skin

thin cuts
i watch the
liquid ooze out
trickling down
crusted and hardened

Likes: Great title. Great line breaks. Last two stanzas. No punctuation. Dislikes: No capitals. Line breaks. No punctuation. I applaud your attempt to "experiment"...would think that's what a forum should be for. But even experiments have a purpose. What's yours? You need capitals to help me navigate your stop/start thoughts/images. I don't need end marks. I don't want end marks. They often get in the way of effect by tricking a reader into thinking he/she is reading prose. Capital letters, on the other hand, at least give readers a push in the right direction. Good writing will take care of the rest. Carry on. Love the rubber tree image used through out. Enjoyed reading this. A bunch.

[Tamara]

Thank you 71degrees. I hope it reads better now.

Rubber trees
threaten to crack
my compound walls
broken from reverie
there is impermanence
on all sides.

Breathing in harmony
dawn is broken
by the swish of silk
leaves rustle
rendition by birds
in bass and treble.

Lying limp after
last night's lovemaking
pouring rain
pounding the roof
washing down the glass panes
insignia of your stubble
tabooed on my skin.

Thin cuts -
I watch the
liquid ooze out
trickling down
crusted and hardened.