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Steadily she sort her passions,
like the skillful shaping pace of a potter
through her twirling pains she endured
and molded herself into a dancing muse.
In her breaking times
in courage she delighted in,
all her trembling like magic dazes
turned to moments of grace.
When tears filled her eyes,
like a water drop on a frond
maybe blown off by the wind,
her sudden powerful pose blew them off.
Like a fledgling eagle learns to glide
never did she allow herself to fall
nor let her faults distort her zeal
but picked herself up and soared.
Now, how wonderful she has become,
too tender a sight to smudge.
a wondrous beauty to behold.
once with trembling feet now a Dancing Muse.
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You could use punctuation differently to sort out some of what's happening in the lines. It's not hard to follow, somehow it feels elaborating without being elaborate. The details seem to be not very important.
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(10-02-2014, 05:26 PM)Mwaba don Wrote: --There are a lot of trimming that can be done to give the poem more impact.
-- Use punctuation to help dictate the pace of the poem. Currently, the pacing is rather weird.
--I get the feeling you're trying to illustrate an evolution, but I'm not seeing it. The imagery lacks consistency, and you can try to build on that.
Steadily she sort her passions,
like the skillful shaping pace of a potter
through her twirling pains she endured
and molded herself into a dancing muse.
In her breaking times
in courage she delighted in,
all her trembling like magic dazes
turned to moments of grace.
When tears filled her eyes,
like a water drop on a frond
maybe blown off by the wind,
her sudden powerful pose blew them off.
Like a fledgling eagle learns to glide
never did she allow herself to fall
nor let her faults distort her zeal
but picked herself up and soared.
Now, how wonderful she has become,
too tender a sight to smudge.
a wondrous beauty to behold.
once with trembling feet now a Dancing Muse.
Back!
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I agree that you seem to be trying to depict the growth of a person from one stage to another, but I also agree that the evolution is difficult to track. I don't feel as though I know much more about this woman after reading the poem than I did before.
My favourite part was "her powerful pose blew them off". Posture is very important for confidence and strength, and our physical and emotional states are often very linked and can have causal effects in both direction. Thanks!
Posts: 50
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Joined: Aug 2014
(10-07-2014, 12:28 AM)t.arcadius Wrote: I agree that you seem to be trying to depict the growth of a person from one stage to another, but I also agree that the evolution is difficult to track. I don't feel as though I know much more about this woman after reading the poem than I did before.
My favourite part was "her powerful pose blew them off". Posture is very important for confidence and strength, and our physical and emotional states are often very linked and can have causal effects in both direction. Thanks!
Sometimes I find it hard to put in all the lines that can give the reader the full details of the character in the poem.
I really like the comparison between learning to dance and an eagle learning to fly that is very strong, great analogy.
I also agree her growth is a little hard to follow.
"in courage she delighted in," - In her courage she delighted?
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(10-02-2014, 05:26 PM)Mwaba don Wrote: Steadily she sort her passions,
like the skillful shaping pace of a potter delightful analogy!
through her twirling pains she endured
and molded herself into a dancing muse. I see the point you are trying to get across, but the last two lines of this stanza should be rewritten for clarity's sake.
In her breaking times
in courage she delighted in,
all her trembling like magic dazes
turned to moments of grace. how about: her trembling, like magic, turns moments to grace
When tears filled her eyes,
like a water drop on a frond
maybe blown off by the wind,
her sudden powerful pose blew them off. Her dance pose stopped her from crying, or was she covering it up?
Like a fledgling eagle learns to glide
never did she allow herself to fall WOW! Love this
nor let her faults distort her zeal distort is the wrong word for the point you are trying to make. diminish? deteriorate?
but picked herself up and soared. Way to tie the content back to the first line of the stanza
Now, how wonderful she has become,
too tender a sight to smudge. tender and smudge just aren't working for me. relate her to wet ink, paint, or anything that can actually be smudged
a wondrous beauty to behold.
once with trembling feet now a Dancing Muse. a comma after feet will bring both correct punctuation and drama.
A nice romantic poem. My comments are above.
I prefer to be as forgettable as possible.
