haiku

[Tamara]

on the lawn
watered by my tears
new weeds grow

[Magpie]

on the lawn
watered by my tears
new weeds grow

Hi, I'm struggling with the second line a little bit because it is quite abstract for a haiku, and also the 'my' makes it too personal for a haiku. There are possible ways of writing it slightly differently and yet it could still retain your original meaning.
I understand why you want to use 'new' weeds grow but as a snapshot it doesn't work quite as well because to say 'new' implies knowing that there are weeds now in places that weren't there before, so in an indirect way you have involved the past whereas haiku should more be in the moment... If that makes any sense.
Perhaps you could have something like 

weeds grow
on the lawn -
rainfall

or something along those lines, actually now that I'm looking at that, I would even say that 'grow' is redundant because it is implied. Although haiku aren't meant to be metaphorical the 'rainfall' could be interpreted as the tears that you use in yours, so in theory the same meaning is kept but at the same time it is a realistic snapshot of a moment. 

Mark

[Tamara]

thank you Mark. wonderful suggestions. though i know haiku should not be too personal and it should capture the moment, sometimes it ends up like this. i'll be back with an edit.

[billy]

for me it reads more like a senryu

on the lawn
watered by my tears
new weeds grow

[Tamara]

yep, it is. i should have been careful about what i posted in the title.

[rayheinrich]

thank you Mark. wonderful suggestions. though i know haiku should not be too personal and it should capture the moment, sometimes it ends up like this. i'll be back with an edit.

People are always going on about the 'personal' thing; they couldn't be more wrong.
From two of the masters:

I’m a wanderer
so let that be my name –
the first winter rain           ~ Basho

After killing
a spider, how lonely I feel
in the cold of night!         ~ Shiki


Haiku are INTIMATE poems. They're about humans interacting with nature.
While many times the presence of the observer is not overt, it is always assumed.
Nature doesn't write haiku!

[Mwaba don]

on the lawn
watered by my tears
new weeds grow

Its a lovely poem but the second line sounds a little strange. Maybe writing it differently. Maybe swapping line 1 and line 2.

[haikutec]

Hi Tamara,

on the lawn
watered by my tears
new weeds grow

I wonder if this could be potential for a tanka poem?

If you still want this to be a haiku I wonder about naming the 'weed'?

warm regards

[Tamara]

thanks alan, i guess i will try to make it into a tanka.

[haikutec]

Hi Tamara,

thanks alan, i guess i will try to make it into a tanka.

It could be fun! :-)

warm regards

[rayheinrich]

Hi Tamara,

on the lawn
watered by my tears
new weeds grow

If you still want this to be a haiku I wonder about naming the 'weed'?  

The Yuki Teikei Haiku Society has a very reasonable season word list (the one I use).

It lists 'weeds' as a summer kigo.

[haikutec]

Dear Mamta,

Coming back to the haiku, I feel it doesn't have that cut that makes haiku of two parts...

e.g.

on the lawn
watered by my tears
new weeds grow

in reverse:

new weeds grow
watered by my tears
on the lawn

It might be an idea to find a new last line in the above example, as lawn is made almost made redundant by 'new weeds grow."

Perhaps Masajo Suzuki might be an inspiration with her love haiku. :-)

warm regards

[rayheinrich]

on the lawn
watered by my tears
new weeds grow

The reason it works for me is that it's well known that
people spend a lot of time, $$, and effort to rid their
lawns of weeds. Weeds are symbolic of defeat

A relationship (no matter what kind) that has been lovingly
nurtured is much like a well-tended lawn.

That fast turn, the surprise realization/connection/scene/
image of tears growing weeds, is what makes this a
wonderful haiku.

[rayheinrich]

Talking about kigo, and Summer kigo, I'm running a project called The Kigo Lab Project which this competition is a small part:
I've come to believe that outside of Japan we can gather our own seasonal references that may in time, a long time, if used regularly, come closer to kigo.   Kigo predates not only haiku but hokku although the term "kigo" was introduced later, in 1908.
I touch on kigo at:
Perhaps Masajo Suzuki might be an inspiration with her love haiku. :-)
warm regards,
Alan

Alas, inveterate events enveloped and continue to befuddle us (cat in pocket).
But I harbor a fond intent to travel to these, as yet unknown, anomalies and respond
to you, my dearest aforementioned informant.
Everfaithfullnessly yours,
Ray

[billy]

while we are gratefull for useful links, we don't subscribe to links with a charge (such as a book, or competition ) being given in reply to a poem alink to seasonal words, yes, a link to a poem (a free one) yes. but even then the answer has to have a bearing on the poem and in general be informative. all members are free to leave a link to their own website or a website they're a member, they can also leave an url to a site that sells their own works,
what we frown on is links to books (for sale) and websites that entreat us to take part for a fee or purchase. on this baseline i've removed the urls in question, we do have a good book thread in poetry discussion but the poetry areas are really for feedback. please don't take this as a warning it's just an explanation why we do it.

Dear Mamta, and Ray,
Talking about kigo, and Summer kigo, I'm running a project called The Kigo Lab Project which this competition is a small part: please don't advertise in someone elses thread./mod
I've come to believe that outside of Japan we can gather our own seasonal references that may in time, a long time, if used regularly, come closer to kigo.   Kigo predates not only haiku but hokku although the term "kigo" was introduced later, in 1908.
I touch on kigo at: the idea of posting poetry on this site is so they can get feedback without leaving the site :J:/mod

Coming back to the haiku, I feel it doesn't have that cut that makes haiku of two parts...
e.g.
on the lawn
watered by my tears
new weeds grow
in reverse:
new weeds grow
watered by my tears
on the lawn
It might be an idea to find a new last line in the above example, as lawn is made almost made redundant by 'new weeds grow."
Perhaps Masajo Suzuki might be an inspiration with her love haiku. :-)
url removed, just quote a title and poets name, the poet can then google it
warm regards,
Alan

Hi Tamara,
If you still want this to be a haiku I wonder about naming the 'weed'?  

The Yuki Teikei Haiku Society has a very reasonable season word list (the one I use). urls like this are fine
It lists 'weeds' as a summer kigo.

[billy]

it's not the end of the world so i wouldn't overly worry. others will see it as a haiku so it's 6 of 1 and half a doz of another

on the lawn

watered by my tears
new weeds grow

i should have said more about the piece. while i think it more senryu than haiku i still see it as a good compact piece with all the right components of such. there's certainly an emotional aspect as well as metaphorical one to the poem and together they play off each other.

yep, it is. i should have been careful about what i posted in the title.

[rayheinrich]

Billy:
Just for the record, I hadn't visited the links.

If I'd known that the organization ran a contest that required $$,
I wouldn't have been as kind as you.

Poetry organizations that charge entry fees, reading fees, etc., even
if they say it's done for 'charitable' reasons, are usually rip-offs.

But even if their intentions are true, I still don't like it.
Poetry should be free!
(One of the few things worthy of naive idealism these days.)