Maiden in the Wood

[BenjaminShaw]

Hello everyone,
I'm new to this forum but I'd like to jump right into things. I generally write in iambic pentameter but here's a sort of lyrical poem that I wrote a few days ago. I'm fifteen but don't let that stop you from being harsh. I'm harder on myself than anyone else could be.
Maiden in the Wood
Are you a breathing thing amid this wood,
Who dances like a nymph in naked form?
Loosely swing your arms above your head,
Prance light on nimble toes to left then right,
Highly raise yourself unto that glossy air,
Shades of green and bark are all about you,
Feeding your flesh, singing your dance,
Consuming your being, as you consume mine.
O passionate dancer of this wood,
What have you done to earn such skill?
Yellow light does pierce the branches high
Glowing only on your fullest body white,
Focused on you, your jumping figure,
Soaring to heights I had not yet seen achieved.
I approach the dancing maiden who reaches
Both arms long and pale to me,
And hear the enchanting flute within her heart
And peering far behind the scene
Spy a beast of both man and goat;
Weary I study this strange monstrosity
Hooved and whimsical and quite full of himself,
Happily playing his tune, he does me no harm,
As I embrace the naked lady long and wide,
And feel my young soul full of lust.

[crow]

Ben,

Would you be fine starting w just the first two lines? Right now, I don't understand them. Who is "you"? What does "breathing" mean? How is "naked form" different from "naked"?

Why do you say you're writing in iamb when you seem not to be?

[billy]

hi and welcome.
te poem seems very poetic but for me lacks decent cohesion and continuity.
the firt 2 lines open the poem and begs a question. who dances likes a nymph....i dance like a nyph, try and be precise with questions. that dances li....
after that the poem tapers away at a fairly rapid pace into disjointed snippets.
for me the piece is trying to hard to be poetic, it screams "i want to be Shakespeare" and falls along the way. period poetry is fine but it has to be done well in order to succeed.
bring the poem down to earth if you can use modern language (it's your friend)
thanks for the read. (and the feedback elsewhere.)

Maiden in the Wood
Are you a breathing thing amid this wood,
Who dances like a nymph in naked form?
Loosely swing your arms above your head,
Prance light on nimble toes to left then right,
Highly raise yourself unto that glossy air, how does one do this act? and what is glossy air?9though i an reminded of Shakespeare's puck
Shades of green and bark are all about you, no need for you unless you want to use a constant meter at present you're not
Feeding your flesh, singing your dance,
Consuming your being, as you consume mine.
O passionate dancer of this wood,
What have you done to earn such skill? this and the three lines above feel too contrived without showing the reader enough.
Yellow light does pierce the branches high
Glowing only on your fullest body white,
Focused on you, your jumping figure,
Soaring to heights I had not yet seen achieved.
I approach the dancing maiden who reaches
Both arms long and pale to me,
And hear the enchanting flute within her heart
And peering far behind the scene
Spy a beast of both man and goat;
Weary I study this strange monstrosity
Hooved and whimsical and quite full of himself,
Happily playing his tune, he does me no harm,
As I embrace the naked lady long and wide,
And feel my young soul full of lust.

[BenjaminShaw]

Hi,
It was intended to be a little more modern than you probably think. If I wanted to be Shakespeare I would have written in iambic pentameter like the guy above nicely pointed out. I wrote that this is a lyrical poem btw, I did not say that I intended it to be in iambic pentameter. Basically the scene I'm trying to convey is a young man embracing or coming face to face with sexuality and desire in the form of a nymph played by Pan's magic flute. The goat guy is intended to be Pan, half man half goat, and Pan plays a flute and is associated with sex and desire. Thanks for the feedback, I will be sure to edit it and make it more cohesive.

hi and welcome.
te poem seems very poetic but for me lacks decent cohesion and continuity.
the firt 2 lines open the poem and begs a question. who dances likes a nymph....i dance like a nyph, try and be precise with questions. that dances li....
after that the poem tapers away at a fairly rapid pace into disjointed snippets.
for me the piece is trying to hard to be poetic, it screams "i want to be Shakespeare" and falls along the way. period poetry is fine but it has to be done well in order to succeed.
bring the poem down to earth if you can use modern language (it's your friend)
thanks for the read. (and the feedback elsewhere.)

Maiden in the Wood
Are you a breathing thing amid this wood,
Who dances like a nymph in naked form?
Loosely swing your arms above your head,
Prance light on nimble toes to left then right,
Highly raise yourself unto that glossy air, how does one do this act? and what is glossy air?9though i an reminded of Shakespeare's puck
Shades of green and bark are all about you, no need for you unless you want to use a constant meter at present you're not
Feeding your flesh, singing your dance,
Consuming your being, as you consume mine.
O passionate dancer of this wood,
What have you done to earn such skill? this and the three lines above feel too contrived without showing the reader enough.
Yellow light does pierce the branches high
Glowing only on your fullest body white,
Focused on you, your jumping figure,
Soaring to heights I had not yet seen achieved.
I approach the dancing maiden who reaches
Both arms long and pale to me,
And hear the enchanting flute within her heart
And peering far behind the scene
Spy a beast of both man and goat;
Weary I study this strange monstrosity
Hooved and whimsical and quite full of himself,
Happily playing his tune, he does me no harm,
As I embrace the naked lady long and wide,
And feel my young soul full of lust.

[BenjaminShaw]

PS the three lines that you say are contrived, though one may be, (the line about the skill) the others are quite deliberate. Again they feed into the theme of desire.