< loneliness >

[rayheinrich]

second more-intentional version:
       
                < loneliness >
       
        Loneliness
        I am in love with your beauty.  
        How many times have I come to you
        with some fresh loss
        and been comforted
        by your clear sorrow,
        been cradled
        in your spare arms.
       
       
        As the desert enfolds its wisdom
        with the blessing of sand;
        you hold your love for me
        in a single point
        that as it enters
        is as warm as sun.
       
                   . . .



first cat-induced wrong version:

< the earth is pointed with horns >

       as the desert
       enfolds its wisdom
       with the blessing of sand

       you

       hold your love for me
       in a single point
       that as it enters
       is as warm as the sun

                    - - -

[2fargone]

i dont know what to think about this poem.... is it a love poem or is it a nature poem? Was it suppost to and even poem or uneven? Where did the pointed horns come from?.... although i like the idiom u use at the end

[ellajam]

Hey ray, that last line has my head spinning. 1st three lines interesting and beautiful. You, ok. Next three lines, I'm on the edge of my chair. Bam, dull cliche. So, why is that? Really, something as warm as the sun is searingly hot. If you meant something pleasant maybe as warming as the sun. But that's not what you said. Warm as what's left of the sun's energy by the time it reaches us? The sun and the desert. I can't put it together yet, but thanks for bugging me and making me think. One of these reads maybe it will dawn on me.

< the earth is pointed with horns >

       as the desert
       enfolds its wisdom
       with the blessing of sand

       you

       hold your love for me
       in a single point
       that as it enters
       is as warm as the sun

                    - - -

[rayheinrich]

Comments address 1st version:

i dont know what to think about this poem.... is it a love poem or is it a nature poem?
Was it supposed to and even poem or uneven? Where did the pointed horns come from?
.... although i like the idiom u use at the end

It's both a love poem and a nature poem.
The pointed horns were a mistake, the title came from a different poem.
Sorry for the confusion and thanks for taking the time to read the partial(?)
nonsense I posted. Ray

[rayheinrich]

Hey ray, that last line has my head spinning. 1st three lines interesting
and beautiful. You, ok. Next three lines, I'm on the edge of my chair.
Bam, dull cliche. So, why is that? Really, something as warm as the sun
is searingly hot. If you meant something pleasant maybe as warming as the
sun. But that's not what you said. Warm as what's left of the sun's energy
by the time it reaches us? The sun and the desert. I can't put it together
yet, but thanks for bugging me and making me think. One of these reads maybe
it will dawn on me.

< the earth is pointed with horns >

      as the desert
      enfolds its wisdom
      with the blessing of sand

      you

      hold your love for me
      in a single point
      that as it enters
      is as warm as the sun

                   - - -

Well, see, this is what I get when I haven't fed my cats and
they jump on me with their sharp-pointees and I blindly stab at a
few keys and race off to feed them and don't look at what nonsense
ended up getting posted. (Though, making sense of "the earth is pointed
with horns" is an interesting exercise.)

But the 2nd version has close to the same end, so I'll answer based on
that. The "is as warm as sun" line is ambiguous, just as 'love' is.
And, of course, love gotta be cliche. What you didn't know, because
I left out the 1st part of the damn poem , was that the object of
the protagonist's love was 'loneliness'. Now we're even DEEPER into
cliche. Getting speared and imagining the sun is warm sort of go
along with being lonely in the desert sands. In the next version
I'm thinking of throwing in mirages, camels, and Moses. But this
is what I get when I try to understand what I write. Never a good
idea as I might look down like Wile E. Coyote chasing the Road Runner
and find there is only air beneath me. Hmmm, Wile E. Coyote and the
Road Runner usually appear in the desert, so maybe I should put them
in there as well? Now I've gotten silly.

Tell me what you think of the real poem and I'll try to give you a
serious answer. Ray

[Tamara]

The second part of the poem can stand on its own and the loneliness metaphor can be felt by reading just that. I would do away with the first stanza because it does nothing more to the poem. I like the formatting of the first version. It gives more emphasis to the thoughts the poet is trying to convey. I could not relate the poem with the title.

[rayheinrich]

The second part of the poem can stand on its own and the loneliness metaphor can be felt by reading just that. I would do away with the first stanza because it does nothing more to the poem. I like the formatting of the first version. It gives more emphasis to the thoughts the poet is trying to convey. I could not relate the poem with the title.

The title ( < 24.9.14 > ) is just a way to un-title a poem without titling the poem "untitled" (which I truly hate to do).
Yes, I like that formatting as well. Yes, it would work without the first stanza; will give that some thought.
Thanks for taking the time to comment, I appreciate it.

[tectak]

I really get this poem , great job i enjoyed the read thanks for sharing .

This is NOT valid critique! Why did you enjoy it,?What images did it produce? Where could you see improvement? This is not a EULOGY site.Please READ the rules.
Mod.

[rayheinrich]

I really get this poem , great job i enjoyed the read thanks for sharing .

What I'd be most interested in finding out is how you 'got' this poem.
I'm always interested in finding out what the damn things mean to someone else.

An adequate answer to this request would probably convince tectak to unvacuize you.
But as you stand right now, you don't.

Sincerely as ever,
Ray