Elevator Music

[Wjames]

The doors kissed to mark the start
of another trip to the ground floor.
Soft jazz battles with the burlap silence
of a man and woman alone together.
Thoughts stay home to hum, tap, and sigh
at the sight of another missed opportunity.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey. A lot to like about this, some great word choices.
 
The doors kissed to mark the start I love "kissed" - sets up the rest of the poem too
of another trip to the ground floor.
Soft jazz battles with the burlap silence love what your saying here. Especially "burlap silence". Not sure if "soft" is your best word and didn't like "battles" on first read but I get it now.
of a man and woman alone together.
Thoughts stay home to hum, tap, and sigh
at the sight of another missed opportunity.I think you could do better in the last line. The sentiment is right. But it sounds more matter-of-fact than it should.

Hope that helps even a little. Good luck with it, Paul

[JPB]

I love the line, "Soft jazz battles with the burlap silence." I relate very well with it. There is nothing like a man and a woman spending time in an elevator and they are strangers. The old term "pregnant silence" comes to mind. HaH! For that missed opportunity. I found nothing whatsoever wrong with your poem.

[Wjames]

Thanks for reading guys, I don't think this one's done quite done yet, I might add some more after the second sentence.

[71degrees]

There was a commercial a number of years ago about two people fantasizing about their lives together in an elevator ride. It was terrific. From first look to marriage. All in 20 seconds or so. I think the accompanying song was "I Think I Love You" by the Partridge Family / David Cassidy. I really flashed on that as I read your poem.

"Kissed" is perfect.

Not sure about "burlap"…also not sure about the last image. "Missed opportunity" is really flat to me. Wouldn't mind "seeing" that opportunity somehow, rather than you just telling me about it.

71degrees

[StanleyZ]

The doors kissed to mark the start
of another trip to the ground floor.
Soft jazz battles with the burlap silence
of a man and woman alone together.
Thoughts stay home to hum, tap, and sigh
at the sight of another missed opportunity.

The first thing you present in this piece is an image of doors coming together.
Not only are the doors coming together, they are kissing! The tone becomes
Intimate in the first three words. I like how that set the theme of the poem up.
The speaker never says love, but the sight of a missed opportunity. The opportunity
for love is tactfully reinforced by the word sigh, as in "love at first site."
Well done on that note. Now then the second line materializes an image of
An elavator going to the ground floor, the idea of falling can be associated
With that image, as in "falling in love". And let's not forget there are 2 people
In this elavator that is falling. But now the speaker leads us into an awkward ness
Where the strangers only share the sound of the elavator music. That is so important,
Because it is your title. The music is what this conflict becomes centered around.
In stead of reaching out the man and woman's thoughts are at "home" lost in the
Comfort of the smooth jazz. However this comforting feeling is a distraction from
What is right in front of them, the act of starting a conversation. A missed oppurtunity
To potentially find love. The piece is tightly knit around that theme, and you pack plenty
Of literary devices to support it implicitly.

The word burlap tripped me up a bit. I picture that stuff plants are wrapped in when I think of it,
Maybe you wanted the image of a rough material? I think that might not be the ideal image
Given how soft and smooth the rest of your connotation is. The other word battled also is a bit out
Of place. This is just a typical scene between typical people in a typical building, nothing here is
Anywhere near violent so why throw a word like battle in? Maybe you have a good reason,but
Don't deny the opportunity to play with the connotation of the words.

Sorry if this was hard to read. I am new here, and I'm not especially familiar with forums, also I am on a phone.
I hope you appreciate my little break down of your poem through my eyes!

[TheOnlyRedSmurf]

The doors kissed to mark the start
of another trip to the ground floor.
Soft jazz battles with the burlap silence
of a man and woman alone together.
Thoughts stay home to hum, tap, and sigh
at the sight of another missed opportunity.

the brevity really works well here, i.e. a short elevator ride
it shows the repetition and familiarity that welcomes, opposed by the intimate isolation of the experience.
they are going down to ground together, sharing so much, but so insulated against one another.
the final line that leaves you hanging also alludes to the loss of opportunity as they leave off from the stage of the play.


all in all nice and simple but not in a bad or lazy way, more on the temporary nature of things

[brandontoh]

It's a simple poem, with a clear image, but there seems to be something lacking overall. Lines 4, 5 and 6 can use some rephrasing to amplify the snappy or awkward nature of the elevator trip. As they stand, they're rather flat. I suggest elaborating on the image of battle, by evoking a stronger sense of the man struggling and thinking of talking but being unable to.

The doors kissed to mark the start
of another trip to the ground floor.
Soft jazz battles with the burlap silence
of a man and woman alone together.
Thoughts stay home to hum, tap, and sigh
at the sight of another missed opportunity.

[billy]

a short poem, a good poem, nothing too much askew, it reads well and has some good images. it catures the moment of the lift ride using brevity. i wonder if both parties felt the same way on exiting the lift.

The doors kissed to mark the start a suggestion would be to use a comma here and start the next line without [of] i do like the enjambment and the image of the doors kissing.
of another trip to the ground floor.
Soft jazz battles with the burlap silence i take it soft jazz is the elevator music? and the burlap part of the decor. again another good image.
of a man and woman alone together.
Thoughts stay home to hum, tap, and sigh
at the sight of another missed opportunity. i like the ending. it's a ball breaker when you want to say something but for one reason or another don't.

[Wjames]

Burlap was just supposed to sort of represent something uncomfortable. In my head, the music is an excuse so he doesn't have to start a conversation (it battles the silence for him), but I don't think I got that across well enough. I'll think on this some more, thanks for your thoughts everyone.

[BenjaminShaw]

A well-crafted short poem, somewhat depressing and very powerful in its conciseness.

The doors kissed to mark the start
of another trip to the ground floor.
Soft jazz battles with the burlap silence This is my favorite line--burlap silence
of a man and woman alone together. alone together... that's clever and sets a good scene
Thoughts stay home to hum, tap, and sigh There may be something awkward about this line. I guess I just don't like the word stay here.
at the sight of another missed opportunity.

[Mwaba don]

The doors kissed to mark the start (Your first line set up a Romantic hook, I think it is very nice.) ( the image set by the doors kissing is intimate.)
of another trip to the ground floor.
Soft jazz battles with the burlap silence (The image made here of the type music and sense of what is happening is very interesting and enjoyably to read.)
of a man and woman alone together.
Thoughts stay home to hum, tap, and sigh
at the sight of another missed opportunity. (your poem lines setting up what was happening with you at the moment and In your mind made this a good poem to read.)

Your poem set up what was happening with you in the moment and in your mind was amazing.
I think the short length of the poem fit well into the meaning of the poem.
May be you might consider putting some spacing after two lines of the poem?

[justcloudy]

I would've liked "canvas" or something along those lines instead of burlap, which doesn't say much. (Canvas could place the characters as city hipsters for example.)
Also, I was waiting for a cell phone to come into play. That's all people do in elevators now, right? Candy Crush the awkwardness away. It's an idea. Because maybe I don't go in ritzy enough elevators or something, but I've never been in one that actually has elevator music. ;p
In the last line, "at the sight of" is both wordy and doesn't really make sense... you can't SEE a missed opportunity per se. How could you make that more succinct?
Just thoughts.

[b.abraham]

You broke my heart in six lines. "Burlap silence" is really lovely. I don't know if you have to state that it's about a man and woman, though. If you were to take that line out, it's still going to feel like a missed opportunity, but as a reader I would rather be left wondering what it was than know explicitly.

[t.arcadius]

If you add more, don't add anything to the end! I love how it came together for me in the last line, and brought a nice smile to my face.
I think the first and last lines are the strongest, and I like the length, but the lines in between don't have the same magic for me.
I also didn't immediately understand "burlap silence", but do like it now that you've explained. I miss a lot though so don't worry if I didn't get it

[Kostallo]

I really enjoyed this poem. I love the set up for the seemed missed opertunity. From the doors closing like a lost chance. To the kiss of there touch which brings for a intimate meaning. To making the point of going back to the ground floor. Seems to me like going back to the beginning like starting over. The flow all the way towards the statement of a "missed opertunity" let's me understand how severe in ones heart this missed chance really was. I really like the burlaps silence being someone who has worked with alot of materials i know burlap can be seemingly rough against the skin unlike silk or cotton. Helps me understand how truly toufh the silence itself was. Thank you for your post.

[Wjames]

Thanks for all your thoughts guys, much appreciated.

[RSaba]

Nice little scene! Concisely written. I enjoyed this. The image of the doors kissing, almost more intimate than the non-exchange of the elevator riders, is probably what stuck out the most for me. The only bit that tripped me up was "thoughts stay home" - I got it, but I'm wondering if there's a slightly clearer way to put it.

The doors kissed to mark the start
of another trip to the ground floor.
Soft jazz battles with the burlap silence
of a man and woman alone together.
Thoughts stay home to hum, tap, and sigh
at the sight of another missed opportunity.

[vanilla]

Amazing poem--I really felt and related to it. "Burlap silence" sounds beautiful as a word pair, but I was not exactly sure of the meaning. Also, maybe a different word choice other than "trip" could be used to convey the awkward journey that is a silent elevator ride. You have a talent for sure.

Edit: Now that I've seen someone explain the burlap meaning a rough, scratchy silence rather than a silky one, I really get the imagery there. Great, unique pairing of words and senses.

[Wjames]

Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts guys, I do think the end has some strange phrasing that doesn't really "add" anything and I might be able to clean it up a bit.