The barn's on fire

[Keith]

Edit 2 Thanks to all

Jess didn't make it out,
they listen from a blistered field
her barking raised and frantic,
too old now to be rescued,
neighbours put their buckets down
and turn silent to the beaten farmer.

His voice carries above the flames,
face distorted by the fire-fight
reflected desperate in his eyes,
they close slowly, resigned.

But the grass sways with a secret
and the wind brings a child's cry
as Jess drags something
backwards through the door.


Edit.....TTL

Neighbours are running bringing buckets
as smoke and flames claim the barn.
Jess is too scared to leave
she paces the straw lined floor
her barking is painful, becoming frantic.

With charcoal streaks the old farmer pleads,
with lowered eyes the watchers decide
she hasn't survived.
But the wind brings in a child's cry
and Jess drags something
backwards through the door.


Original
The neighbours arrive with buckets,
smoke and flames claim the barn.
Jess is too lost to run and paces the floor
her barking is painful, becoming frantic.
With charcoal streaks the old farmer pleads,
with lowered eyes the watchers decide
she won’t survive, stupid dog won’t even try.
But the wind brings a child's cry
and Jess drags something
backwards through the door.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi Keith. I like this one. Feels like a familiar story told economically. Fine ending.

The neighbours arrive with buckets, maybe a semicolon here. Otherwise it sounds as if the neighbours have arrived with buckets, smoke and flames.
smoke and flames claim the barn.
Jess is too lost to run and paces the floor not sure if "lost" is the right word?
her barking is painful, becoming frantic.
With charcoal streaks the old farmer pleads,
with lowered eyes the watchers decide
she won’t survive, stupid dog won’t even try. Not too sure about this and the next line. Almost feels like you've forced a rhyme that you don't really need. - as if impatiently trying to get to the great ending.
But the wind brings a child's cry
and Jess drags something
backwards through the door.

Enjoyable read, thanks for sharing. - Paul

[Keith]

Hi Keith. I like this one. Feels like a familiar story told economically. Fine ending.

The neighbours arrive with buckets, maybe a semicolon here. Otherwise it sounds as if the neighbours have arrived with buckets, smoke and flames.
smoke and flames claim the barn.
Jess is too lost to run and paces the floor not sure if "lost" is the right word?
her barking is painful, becoming frantic.
With charcoal streaks the old farmer pleads,
with lowered eyes the watchers decide
she won’t survive, stupid dog won’t even try. Not too sure about this and the next line. Almost feels like you've forced a rhyme that you don't really need. - as if impatiently trying to get to the great ending.
But the wind brings a child's cry
and Jess drags something
backwards through the door.

Enjoyable read, thanks for sharing. - Paul

Thanks Paul for reading and your comments you have picked out some good points that I can use, cheers Keith. Lost really doesn't work thanks.

[justcloudy]

Keith,

Terrible, touching, beautifully done.
One point I'm not clear about is whether Jess is inside or outside of the barn at the outset. The edit didn't make that any clearer.

You know... the edit being what it is, you could change the title to something very clear "barn burning" etc, and then get rid of the whole first part, beginning with "with charcoal streaks". That's where it really begins anyway. You could incorporate the frantic barking line if you wanted, since that's the highlight of the first part.

Just ideas.

-justcloudy

[billy]

the title is making me think to much. i see a child being rescued but the title contradicts it. is the farmer in the barn or outside looking on?

Edit.....TTL

Neighbours are running bringing buckets comma after [running,] no need for [are] bringing could be [bring]
as smoke and flames claim the barn. no need for [as]
Jess is too scared to leave
she paces the straw lined floor
her barking is painful, becoming frantic.

With charcoal streaks the old farmer pleads, where are the streaks?
with lowered eyes the watchers decide feels a bit weak in comparison to the most of the poem.
she hasn't survived.
But the wind brings in a child's cry
and Jess drags something
backwards through the door.


Original
The neighbours arrive with buckets,
smoke and flames claim the barn.
Jess is too lost to run and paces the floor
her barking is painful, becoming frantic.
With charcoal streaks the old farmer pleads,
with lowered eyes the watchers decide
she won’t survive, stupid dog won’t even try.
But the wind brings a child's cry
and Jess drags something
backwards through the door.

[Keith]

Keith,

Terrible, touching, beautifully done.
One point I'm not clear about is whether Jess is inside or outside of the barn at the outset. The edit didn't make that any clearer.

You know... the edit being what it is, you could change the title to something very clear "barn burning" etc, and then get rid of the whole first part, beginning with "with charcoal streaks". That's where it really begins anyway. You could incorporate the frantic barking line if you wanted, since that's the highlight of the first part.

Just ideas.

-justcloudy

Thank you JC for the helpful comments and ideas, I hope I have dealt with most in the edit. Best Keith

---

the title is making me think to much. i see a child being rescued but the title contradicts it. is the farmer in the barn or outside looking on?

Edit.....TTL

Neighbours are running bringing buckets comma after [running,] no need for [are] bringing could be [bring]
as smoke and flames claim the barn. no need for [as]
Jess is too scared to leave
she paces the straw lined floor
her barking is painful, becoming frantic.

With charcoal streaks the old farmer pleads, where are the streaks?
with lowered eyes the watchers decide feels a bit weak in comparison to the most of the poem.
she hasn't survived.
But the wind brings in a child's cry
and Jess drags something
backwards through the door.


Original
The neighbours arrive with buckets,
smoke and flames claim the barn.
Jess is too lost to run and paces the floor
her barking is painful, becoming frantic.
With charcoal streaks the old farmer pleads,
with lowered eyes the watchers decide
she won’t survive, stupid dog won’t even try.
But the wind brings a child's cry
and Jess drags something
backwards through the door.

Thanks Billy your comments got me thinking so I used them to make some changes, many thanks Keith

[justcloudy]

I really like the edit Keith. It's more cohesive now, and the story is much clearer. Two little things:

-You forgot an apostrophe in your titles (The barn's...)
-Not sure you need "sad" in L5

[Keith]

I really like the edit Keith. It's more cohesive now, and the story is much clearer. Two little things:

-You forgot an apostrophe in your titles (The barn's...)
-Not sure you need "sad" in L5

Made the changes, thanks for your help. best Keith

[cidermaid]

Hi Kieth,
I just felt that I should make a comment on this one...I know you have probably set it asside by now for a bit, but I thought it worth a mention that although the edits do bring a level of clarity I felt that you had lost something from the original.  I felt that in the first and still there in the second this one had a certain amount of pathos and depth to it that the final edit had lost and as such it had become a bit too clear and two dimentional.
Not sure I can put my finger on it it is wrapped up in the narative of the observations of the scene with the actions of the dog.  I like the emotional image of the farmers grief over his dog in the last edit...but think the original title was key to my read and the original story line was much stronger in bringing out the plot and having depth of read as well.   (I did not agree with the early crit and felt the original story was perfectly understandable).
AJ

Damn I agree with you AJ It did lose something along the way, I have fallen fould of this before, I will let it breath and come back later for a taste. Thanks for the insight. Best Keith

[billy]

quite a large edit which capture the scene much better.
just a couple of nits. the and and as at thend, with out them there feels to be greater tension within the poem. like when you wait for something and then it happens. it's like a 'wow' moment. or an 'awe' moment. good edit.

Edit 2 Thanks to all

Jess didn't make it out,
they listen from a blistered field
her barking raised and frantic,
too old now to be rescued,
neighbours put their buckets down
and turn silent to the beaten farmer.

His voice carries above the flames,
face distorted by the fire-fight
reflected desperate in his eyes, would a semi colon work better here as it's a change of direction.
they close slowly, resigned.

But the grass sways with a secret
and the wind brings a child's cry no need for and
as Jess drags something no need for as
backwards through the door.

[tectak]

Edit 2 Thanks to all

Jess didn't make it out,
they listen from a blistered field
her barking raised and frantic,
too old now to be rescued,
neighbours put their buckets down
and turn silent to the beaten farmer.

His voice carries above the flames,
face distorted by the fire-fight
reflected desperate in his eyes,
they close slowly, resigned.

But the grass sways with a secret
and the wind brings a child's cry
as Jess drags something
backwards through the door.


Edit.....TTL

Neighbours are running bringing buckets
as smoke and flames claim the barn.
Jess is too scared to leave
she paces the straw lined floor
her barking is painful, becoming frantic.

With charcoal streaks the old farmer pleads,
with lowered eyes the watchers decide
she hasn't survived.
But the wind brings in a child's cry
and Jess drags something
backwards through the door.


Original
The neighbours arrive with buckets,
smoke and flames claim the barn.
Jess is too lost to run and paces the floor
her barking is painful, becoming frantic.
With charcoal streaks the old farmer pleads,
with lowered eyes the watchers decide
she won’t survive, stupid dog won’t even try.
But the wind brings a child's cry
and Jess drags something
backwards through the door.

Hi Keith,
I was not tempted to have a go at this excellent work but having read the crits I am acutely aware of the lack of one word in the piece which deserves a mention....namely the barn. I am, however, part Scottish and cannot resist the temptation to add one line to the end...It is this:
"Oh my God...the bairn's on fire"

This has no poetic benefits and you may think it frivolous or even distasteful....and I would not argue.The point, though, is that a contrived closure to any piece should be clear in intent. After all, it is after all. As to dragging something "backwards" it is of no relevance and yet from the perspective of you, the writer, it seems to be of mysterious import. You could try:

The grass sways with a secret
on the wind; a sigh, a child's cry.
Jess drags something dark
out through the barn door.

Your poem and I come late.
Best,
tectak

[Keith]

Edit 2 Thanks to all

Jess didn't make it out,
they listen from a blistered field
her barking raised and frantic,
too old now to be rescued,
neighbours put their buckets down
and turn silent to the beaten farmer.

His voice carries above the flames,
face distorted by the fire-fight
reflected desperate in his eyes,
they close slowly, resigned.

But the grass sways with a secret
and the wind brings a child's cry
as Jess drags something
backwards through the door.


Edit.....TTL

Neighbours are running bringing buckets
as smoke and flames claim the barn.
Jess is too scared to leave
she paces the straw lined floor
her barking is painful, becoming frantic.

With charcoal streaks the old farmer pleads,
with lowered eyes the watchers decide
she hasn't survived.
But the wind brings in a child's cry
and Jess drags something
backwards through the door.


Original
The neighbours arrive with buckets,
smoke and flames claim the barn.
Jess is too lost to run and paces the floor
her barking is painful, becoming frantic.
With charcoal streaks the old farmer pleads,
with lowered eyes the watchers decide
she won’t survive, stupid dog won’t even try.
But the wind brings a child's cry
and Jess drags something
backwards through the door.

Hi Keith,
I was not tempted to have a go at this excellent work but having read the crits I am acutely aware of the lack of one word in the piece which deserves a mention....namely the barn. I am, however, part Scottish and cannot resist the temptation to add one line to the end...It is this:
"Oh my God...the bairn's on fire"

This has no poetic benefits and you may think it frivolous or even distasteful....and I would not argue.The point, though, is that a contrived closure to any piece should be clear in intent. After all, it is after all. As to dragging something "backwards" it is of no relevance and yet from the perspective of you, the writer, it seems to be of mysterious import. You could try:

The grass sways with a secret
on the wind; a sigh, a child's cry.
Jess drags something dark
out through the barn door.

Your poem and I come late.
Best,
tectak

Thanks Tectak [b]"Oh my God...the bairn's on fire I will have a think on how to work it in, Jess is sleeping at the moment so I will let her lie for the now thanks for taking the time Keith[/b]

[Keith]

quite a large edit which capture the scene much better.
just a couple of nits. the and and as at thend, with out them there feels to be greater tension within the poem. like when you wait for something and then it happens. it's like a 'wow' moment. or an 'awe' moment. good edit.


Thanks Billy I agree it is overtly wordy I will put your comments in the melting pot while it simmers. Thanks Keith

Edit 2 Thanks to all

Jess didn't make it out,
they listen from a blistered field
her barking raised and frantic,
too old now to be rescued,
neighbours put their buckets down
and turn silent to the beaten farmer.

His voice carries above the flames,
face distorted by the fire-fight
reflected desperate in his eyes, would a semi colon work better here as it's a change of direction.
they close slowly, resigned.

But the grass sways with a secret
and the wind brings a child's cry no need for and
as Jess drags something no need for as
backwards through the door.