Here

[ajcohen613]

Edit #1

Here

You wake up with that look I like
and I smile back with squinted eyes
like the sun is shining here in this bed.

Soon, you will leave me as usual and the sky will not fall,
though it will rain enough to swamp the street gutters.

You are a pricey plane ticket to Granada purchased too late,
the warm Andalucían air that I dream of but have never felt,
the vertigo of transition turning my stomach.

I’m haunted by your leaving,
the calm that follows saying goodbye,
the howl of the Union Pacific steel trains coming and going.

With the fog still drooping about the modest field,
the sun has never seemed so hesitant to start over.

Here

A cough of grey morning mist
is creeping outside the window and in the crowded cupboard.
Little did we know that the cat crying to be let inside
was caught in rain;
rain that falls in love with the present anonymously
and disappears at the sound of distant trains.

You woke up with that look I like
and I smiled back with squinted eyes
like the sun was shining right here in this bed.

Soon, you will leave me as usual and the sky will not fall,
though it will rain enough to swamp the street gutters.

You are a pricey plane ticket to Granada purchased too late,
The warm Andalucían air that I dream of but have never felt,
the ache of transition turning my stomach.

I’m haunted by your leaving, your imprint on my mattress,
the calm that succeeds saying goodbye again,
the howl of the Union Pacific steel trains coming and going.

With the fog still hanging about the modest field,
the sun has never seemed so hesitant to start over.

I kiss your forehead, missing you before you even leave,
pretending that I’m still here in this bed
amid sunbathing under a soft blue Spanish sky.

[cjchaffin]

hi aj. i think the biggest issue for me here are the bookends to your poem. they don't match the beauty of the material in between. if this were mine, i'd cut them out completely and save them for something else. there are some spots that sparkle here and i think they would shine even brighter if they weren't hampered by the less than stellar beginning and end.

*This is an edit of a shorter poem I had been working on earlier this summer and I can't seem to find the original piece. Let me know what you think!

Here

A cough of grey morning mist
is creeping outside the window and in the crowded cupboard.
Little did we know that the cat crying to be let inside
was caught in rain;
rain that falls in love with the present anonymously
and disappears at the sound of distant trains.

You woke up with that look I like <--i would start with this stanza, much stronger opening
and I smiled back with squinted eyes
like the sun was shining right here in this bed.

Soon, you will leave me as usual and the sky will not fall, do you need as usual? it's implied in later stanzas and is a bit wonky here
though it will rain enough to swamp the street gutters.

You are a pricey plane ticket to Granada purchased too late, <--yes yes yes, this whole stanza...yes
The warm Andalucían air that I dream of but have never felt,
the ache of transition turning my stomach.

I’m haunted by your leaving, your imprint on my mattress, <--i don't really care for the mattress segment, it's cliche and you don't need it
the calm that succeeds saying goodbye again,
the howl of the Union Pacific steel trains coming and going.

With the fog still hanging about the modest field,
the sun has never seemed so hesitant to start over. <--very original imagery, i like this very much

I kiss your forehead, missing you before you even leave, i would cut this and end with the previous stanza, let that brilliant image hang in the reader's mind
pretending that I’m still here in this bed
amid sunbathing under a soft blue Spanish sky.

[RSaba]

I think the imagery used here is quite moving. You conjure up scenes easily with non-cliched description. I don't have much to say really but I hope these little edits and comments make sense. I'm a huge fan of this piece.

A cough of grey morning mist
is creeping outside the window and in the crowded cupboard.
Little did we know that the cat crying to be let inside
was caught in rain;
rain that falls in love with the present anonymously "anonymously" feels like an extra word here
and disappears at the sound of distant trains.

You woke up with that look I like
and I smiled back with maybe "through" would work better squinted eyes
like the sun was shining right here in this bed.

Soon, you will leave me as usual I'm feeling a line break here and the sky will not fall,
though it will rain enough to swamp the street gutters. No need for "street" because gutters are on the street by definition.

You are a pricey plane ticket to Granada purchased too late,
The don't need a capital here warm Andalucían air that I dream of but have never felt,
the ache of transition turning my stomach.

I’m haunted by your leaving, your imprint on my mattress,
the calm that succeeds saying goodbye again, "succeeds" makes the sentence lose its meaning... what are you trying to convey here?
the howl of the Union Pacific steel trains coming and going.

With the fog still hanging about the modest field, modest? doesn't quite convey a strong enough image
the sun has never seemed so hesitant to start over.

I kiss your forehead, missing you before you even leave,
pretending that I’m still here in this bed
amid sunbathing under a soft blue Spanish sky.

[danny_]

i don't understand how the mist got in the cupboard. i agree with other crits that the first and last S can be removed and the poem is better. the first is actually not bad to me. the cat does kind of seem like an irrelevant character to be mentioned, even if you mentioned it well. i actually like "a cough of gray morning mist", gives it a rougher mood which matches the rough experience of a short love. if you kept anything in the last S, keep only the first line and ditch the rest. i know you wanted to reveal that she is a Spanish girl (right?). but you don't need to. she seemed pretty attractive already.. maybe our imaginations can do the job title seems off but it's just a nit. overall you did a good job saying what you wanted to say, and i like the poem.

[ajcohen613]

Edits have been made..mostly decided to shave stuff off. Let me know what you all think!

[cjchaffin]

it's a good first edit, aj. i think it can still be tightened up in a few places (that second strophe still doesn't quite do it for me but it's not a deal breaker) but you're really on the right track.

[danny_]

Edit #1
Here

You wake up with that look I like
and I smile back with squinted eyes
like the sun is shining here in this bed.

Soon, you will leave me as usual and the sky will not fall,
though it will rain enough to swamp the street gutters.

You are a pricey plane ticket to Granada purchased too late,
the warm Andalucían air that I dream of but have never felt,
the vertigo of transition turning my stomach.

I’m haunted by your leaving,
the calm that follows saying goodbye,
the howl of the Union Pacific steel trains coming and going.

With the fog still drooping about the modest field,
the sun has never seemed so hesitant to start over.

i like the revision. i miss some image of the bed or sheets (where you removed her imprint on the mattress.) that is kind of the centerpiece, you know. i think i would like that image because it speaks so much.

i liked the fog "hanging about" better but it's a small thing.

oh there's a bit of an issue with tense. it should either be that moment before she does leave, or that moment after she did. if it's before, you should probably say "the calm that will follow saying goodbye". but that kind of takes away from the next line about the trains. as i read it again, it seems kinda tricky to fix without messing things up.

[ajcohen613]

Edit #1
Here

You wake up with that look I like
and I smile back with squinted eyes
like the sun is shining here in this bed.

Soon, you will leave me as usual and the sky will not fall,
though it will rain enough to swamp the street gutters.

You are a pricey plane ticket to Granada purchased too late,
the warm Andalucían air that I dream of but have never felt,
the vertigo of transition turning my stomach.

I’m haunted by your leaving,
the calm that follows saying goodbye,
the howl of the Union Pacific steel trains coming and going.

With the fog still drooping about the modest field,
the sun has never seemed so hesitant to start over.

i like the revision. i miss some image of the bed or sheets (where you removed her imprint on the mattress.) that is kind of the centerpiece, you know. i think i would like that image because it speaks so much.

i liked the fog "hanging about" better but it's a small thing.

oh there's a bit of an issue with tense. it should either be that moment before she does leave, or that moment after she did. if it's before, you should probably say "the calm that will follow saying goodbye". but that kind of takes away from the next line about the trains. as i read it again, it seems kinda tricky to fix without messing things up.

I see why you might find an issue with the tense, I suppose. "Soon, you will leave me as usual.." Here, usual should imply that this isn't the only and/or first goodbye; she visits and leaves often. This is a poem taking place before she leaves, about what it's like after she does so. Hope this helps.

[danny_]

I see why you might find an issue with the tense, I suppose. "Soon, you will leave me as usual.." Here, usual should imply that this isn't the only and/or first goodbye; she visits and leaves often. This is a poem taking place before she leaves, about what it's like after she does so. Hope this helps.

oh, i did miss that. maybe the very last S threw me, then. it seems to be in the moment after she leaves, unless it's describing what he sees looks out the window or something. then it does make sense and i just didn't notice that it does again i like the revision, good poem.

[crow]

Edit #1
Proofread:

Here

You wake up with that look I like[,]
and I smile back with squinted eyes[,]
like the sun is shining[,] here[,] in this bed.

Soon, you will leave me[,] as usual[,] and the sky will not fall,
though it will rain enough to swamp the street gutters.
--swamp? Fill with mud, etc? Or do you mean swell or clog?

You are a pricey plane ticket to Granada[,] purchased too late,
the warm Andalucían air that I dream of but have never felt,
[and] the vertigo of transition turning my stomach.
--add and to the first of the line or an elopes to the end

I’m haunted by your leaving,
the calm that follows saying goodbye,
the howl of the Union Pacific steel trains coming and going.
--ditto as the previous stanza

With the fog still drooping about the modest field,
the sun has never seemed so hesitant to start over.
--this is a toughy. Technically, "so" should anticipate a that clause . . . No, it's not tough--replace "so" with "as" or cut it

[bena]

This is definitely moving in the correct way. I'm kind of torn back and forth on the phrase "the sky will not fall" because I know you speaking metaphorically about the rain that follow as well as an allusion to a world ending. It borderlines being over-used as a phrase, but you might get away with it since it is pulling double duty.

S4--took me several reads to realize this was list of what was haunting you, and not comma spliced--I think mainly because of the gerund "leaving" and I wonder if the word 'absence' might work better, since it is more a concrete concept and less abstract. That way it might read as bit more parallel.

I'm not terribly keen on the title simply for the fact that it suggests nothing of the brilliance that the poem holds.

Regardless, these are tiny nits that don't take anything away from the fresh bold writing. Great piece.

mel