The Vanished Scholar

[heslopian]

dedicated to the heroes of Lovecraftian horror stories, and their writers

The bedding rots in a tidy stupor;
its tenant, a scholar, of no repute in
circles far and wide, vanished in the dark,
hid simply, like an elder's carnal sin.

His room, a dirty house its mere keeper,
looks out upon an alley and its grime,
one window of those where poor scholars live.
The normal world without, and its walking slime.

What pain our scholar felt before he left!
The daily grind of humans and their talk...
So when a world beyond opened its door,
all he did was pack his books and walk.

[CMCB]

I like the atmosphere you created, and I liked the end. Too many artists are the unfair victims of poverty and obscurity, and I think this can speak to all of the starving, unrecognized and poor artists out there in a way that commiserates with them. As for constructive feedback, perhaps you could have added something otherworldly into the poem, what with it being dedicated to Lovecraftian writers and their works. I mean, the macabre quality is there, but I'm pretty sure Lovecraftian is synonymous with the supernatural; I've never read anything written by Lovecraft that didn't involve something not based in reality. You sort of touch on that with the last two lines, but if I had to write a poem dedicated to said sub-genre, I would have included more of the supernatural quality.

But hey, that's just me. What do I know? I'm just some dude. I think you rock! Keep on making art, my man.

[billy]

hi jack.

i know nothing of lovecraft apart from the fact he was a wacko :d (no offense. the poem holds water without the fact it's a homage poem but there are some nits to pick at.

mainly it's just nits, the biggest one being the meter which held me/the reader up for too long.

dedicated to the heroes of Lovecraftian horror stories, and their writers

The bedding rots in a tidy stupor;
its tenant, a scholar, of no reputre in [in] fees forced to fit the rhyme. (which is wfunny cause it's often the 2nd rhyme that feels forced. it looks more like you went for stupor to rhyme wit reputre and then altered the scheme also feels like the meter is out
circles far and wide, vanished in the dark,
hid simply, like an elder's carnal sin.

His room, a dirty house its mere keeper, would a semi colon work better after [room]
looks out upon an alley and its grime,
one window of those where poor scholars live.
The normal world without, and its walking slime. the meter feels like it's needed here. a suggestion; [The normal world without, the walking slime.]

What pain our scholar felt before he left!
The daily grind of humans and their talk...
So when a world beyond opened its door, this make two worlds, i think it's okay but i point it out as repetitious nonetheless.
all he did was pack his books and walk.

[heslopian]

Thank you all for your kind, helpful and thoughtful critiques! CMCB, you're absolutely right about the lack of a supernatural element; I'd intended the "world beyond" to be a literal extra dimension, another sphere of existence, but because my inspiration ran out after the third verse I think that got a bit lost.
billy, I misspelt "repute" in L2 and have since corrected it. I think that may have gone some way to making it seem like an attempt at a rhyme with "stupor". Thank you for your valuable help with the meter; I'll use your suggestions re: S2.
justaboyimworthless and bloxx88, thank you both for conveying your feelings on reading this poem; that really helps me understand how readers actually, well, read this stuff I pull out of my arse