The box

[denniswilson]

I was born in the light, a strange feeling of burning.
The first thing I saw was my mothers alien face.
I heard a voice that I had heard many times,
but saw a world I could never have pictured.
The next thing I new I was alone in a box,
a box that has surrounded me throughout my life.
I try to escape the box, but my parents won't let me.
I try to jump out the box, but people tell me to stay grounded.
I often wonder what will happen to me after my second birth.
Perhaps my new box will set me free.

VERSION 2

I was born into the light, a luminosity that still blinds me.
The first thing I saw was my mother's alien face.
I heard a voice that I listened to many times, 
but saw a world I could never have pictured.
The next thing I knew I was alone in a box,
a surrounding that followed me throughout my life.
I try to escape my confines, but my parents won't let me.
Continuously drifting through my time here, I forever age.
I often wonder what will happen after my second birth.
Perhaps my last box will set me free. 

[just mercedes]

Hi dennis, and welcome to the Pen!

I've made a few notes on your poem. Your idea is worth pursuing, but I'd like to know more about this box - why you think it is there, what it does to your life to make you want to escape it, and what you expect of freedom.

I was born in the light, a strange feeling of burning. into?
The first thing I saw was my mothers alien face. mother's
I heard a voice that I had heard many times, the repeat of 'heard' grates for me - can you find another word to use?
but saw a world I could never have pictured.
The next thing I new I was alone in a box, knew
a box that has surrounded me throughout my life. again, the repeats of 'box' are off-putting to me
I try to escape the box, but my parents won't let me.
I try to jump out the box, but people tell me to stay grounded. jump out of
I often wonder what will happen to me after my second birth.is this needed?
Perhaps my new box will set me free.

[QDeathstar]

The box? Why box? A box, a pen, a cage? A box and The Box, especially as the title leaves a dry taste in my mouth.

[simmon]

The last line "Perhaps my new box will set me free." is kinda illogical to me. Box is a symbol of restriction that create by parents, so he/she did not born with it, and it did not refer to "life". I think I understand what you try to say, but from my point of view: how he/she will be free, if they decided to wait for next life, yet expected to be in another box(restriction)?

Well... I still new around here, so if I get it wrong, please forgive me. ^ ^"

[tectak]

From what I understand you live a life restricted by the people around you, urged not to chase after your dreams and hope that maybe in another life you will be free

[/color]This is not valid critique.
mod.

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The last line "Perhaps my new box will set me free." is kinda illogical to me. Box is a symbol of restriction that create by parents, so he/she did not born with it, and it did not refer to "life". I think I understand what you try to say, but from my point of view: how he/she will be free, if they decided to wait for next life, yet expected to be in another box(restriction)?

Well... I still new around here, so if I get it wrong, please forgive me. ^ ^"

Interpretation of the work is one thing but it is not valid critique. If english is not your first language then you are to be congratulated for your minimalist comment.
If english IS your first language then please comment on the poetic qualties of the piece.
Mod

---

The box? Why box? A box, a pen, a cage? A box and The Box, especially as the title leaves a dry taste in my mouth.

This may seem to you to be useful critique but you offer nothing by way help to the writer. Please modify your input.
Mod

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From what I understand you live a life restricted by the people around you, urged not to chase after your dreams and hope that maybe in another life you will be free

This is not valid critique of the poem and is a poor effort at analysing the poet. Limit your input to the former and do not make any inferences at all about the latter.
Mod[color=#FF4500]

[denniswilson]

Thank you for your replies. I will make a edited version today from the feedback and post it later. With regards to people asking about the box, well there is no right answer as I like all my poems to be open to interpretation. However the ending of the box to me, signifies that the person will be set free when they enter their next box. Often ( and I know it depends on where you are from) a box can be a name for a coffin.

[QDeathstar]

?

my input is that "the box" or " a box" isn't very descriptive, doesn't flow, and as others have said, a stumbling part of the poem.

if that doesnt help the writer, nothing will.


http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-15300...#pid172589

[tectak]

?

my input is that "the box" or " a box" isn't very descriptive, doesn't flow, and as others have said, a stumbling part of the poem.

if that doesnt help the writer, nothing will.


http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-15300...#pid172589

Nothing never helps.
Keep it something.
Best,
tectak

[Bunx]

Liked the balace of this poem between birth and death. Death being the possible escape from the restriction of life which we are born into. I like the language in this poem really simple and easy to follow, almost like a monologue. I think the poem could be more effect if you use synonyms for box to better get your idea across. thanks alot for the post!

[VisualPoet703]

I enjoyed the premise of this poem. I agree with Bunx. I enjoy the balance between birth and death. I also agree with the other members' critiques and suggestions. Everything I was thinking has been said, except for an issue I have with transition between two lines. You wrote:

"I heard a voice that I had heard many times,
but saw a world I could never have pictured.
The next thing I new I was alone in a box,
a box that has surrounded me throughout my life.
I try to escape the box, but my parents won't let me."


Besides the spelling error with "new", I think there needs to be some more written between,
"...a box that has surrounded me throughout my life." and "I try to escape the box, but my parents won't let me."

As I was reading I was searching for more explanation. What is this box? In other words, what exactly is confining you?

Thanks for sharing!

[Leanne]

Amazing writing. I love it. It's like your a unborn speaking to us then you grow and you feel how you felt before. Hope you find a way out you deserve it

This is not a critique, it's a pep talk. You should never assume that a poem is autobiographical/ admin

[alatos]

Last line is great. I adore it. I think you could probably skip the whole part about being born, and focus more on your present 'box'. Or focus on being born 'into a box' or something along those lines.

[LadyDay]

I was born in the light, a strange feeling of burning.
The first thing I saw was my mothers alien face.
I heard a voice that I had heard many times,
but saw a world I could never have pictured.
The next thing I new I was alone in a box,
a box that has surrounded me throughout my life.
I try to escape the box, but my parents won't let me.
I try to jump out the box, but people tell me to stay grounded.
I often wonder what will happen to me after my second birth.
Perhaps my new box will set me free.

Things I liked:
--the title was mysterious/drew me in
--"i was born in the light" the first words started the poem off well, made me want to continue but I'm unsure what you meant by "a strange feeling of burning" or how it relates to the light that you were born in. It seemed like such a positive idea followed by a negative one.
--the idea of speaking from a newborn's perspective is interesting
--personally, I think the box metaphor is overused and think you could come up with something else/some other way of expressing the restriction that is more creative. The cliche really distracted me from the flow of the poem.
-- "I often wonder what will happen to me after my second birth" is an interesting idea that I felt fit well with the first line's idea. I would like to see this idea explored. Maybe in another poem.
--I think the second last line is not continuous with the last one. I felt the second last line built me up and the last line didn't really relate. Still, I did think it was a great way to wrap up the idea of the poem and leave off with a positive note.

On a personal note:
Thank you for sharing. It's my first critique of a poem so I hope I wasn't discouraging and that I left a few helpful notes. I know that feeling of being "kept in a box" as many people do. I've only recently begun recognizing and accepting my value and right to be exactly what I am. I wish that for you (in this lifetime!) as well. Take good care and continue expressing yourself.

[Mwaba don]

Could you consider putting 'of' in the line "I try to jump out the box"?
I was wondering how the first line " I was born in the light" connects with the second line " strange feeling of burning"
I think it has a general idea of not being free but i think it is not well conveyed.

[denniswilson]

Thanks for all your comments. I've added a version 2. I Appreciate all the feedback and like reading how you perceive it.