< aubade of vengeance >

[rayheinrich]

(oops, posted in misc. by mistake)



                                < aubade of vengeance >
                               
                                as dawn was busy breaking
                                i was too
                                and into pieces
                                peace reigns o'er us now
                                or over me it does
                                a red-strewn mix of blood and dawn
                                a dawn so barely broke
                                and i have broken it
                                have beaten it to death
                                how sharper than a serpent's tooth
                                these razored pieces scattered out
                                a peace reigns o'or us now
                                a red-strewn peace of blood and dawn
                                its clanging never more to dread
                                its raised alarms fall'n silent, dead
                               
                                                - - -
               


Free-Ranging Venerated, Creative Responses Deified

Short Explication:

Out, damn'd alarm clock! out, I say!—One; two: why, then 'tis time to do't.

[UberWilhelm]

(oops, posted in misc. by mistake)



                    < aubade of vengeance >
               
                as dawn was busy breaking
                i was too
                and into pieces <--- The 'and' kind of breaks the tempo
                peace reigns o'er us now
                or o'er me at least <-- the second o'er seems redundant
                a red-strewn mix of blood and dawn
                a dawn so barely broke
                and i have broken it
                have beaten it to death
                how sharper than a serpent's tooth <-- I don't think the 'how' is necessary here.
                these razor'd pieces scattered out
                on virgin carpet flower'd red
                a peace reigns o'er us now
                a red-strewn peace of blood and dawn
                it's clanging never more to dread
                its raised alarms fall'n silent, dead <-- I suggest reading it aloud. I read it both with the fall'n and failing and the latter seemed to help it flow a little better in my ear.
               
                                    - - -
               


Free-Ranging Venerated, Creative Responses Deified

Short Explication:

Out, damn'd alarm clock! out, I say!—One; two: why, then 'tis time to do't.

Hi rayheinrich.

Overall I liked it. I think it need some punctuation and there are a few times that the rhythm seems to get broken. I think with a few edits it would come out quite nice.

[rayheinrich]

                    < aubade of vengeance >
               
                as dawn was busy breaking
                i was too
                and into pieces <--- The 'and' kind of breaks the tempo
                peace reigns o'er us now
                or o'er me at least <-- the second o'er seems redundant
                a red-strewn mix of blood and dawn
                a dawn so barely broke
                and i have broken it
                have beaten it to death
                how sharper than a serpent's tooth <-- I don't think the 'how' is necessary here.
                these razor'd pieces scattered out
                on virgin carpet flower'd red
                a peace reigns o'er us now
                a red-strewn peace of blood and dawn
                it's clanging never more to dread
                its raised alarms fall'n silent, dead <-- I suggest reading it aloud. I read it both with the fall'n and failing and the latter seemed to help it flow a little better in my ear.
                                    - - -
               


Short Explication:
Out, damn'd alarm clock! out, I say!—One; two: why, then 'tis time to do't.

Hi rayheinrich.

Overall I liked it. I think it need some punctuation and there are a few times that the rhythm seems to get broken. I think with a few edits it would come out quite nice.

Those words were necessary because it's all in iambic feet (with two splits).
The bold syllables are the accented (stressed) ones.
It's supposed to be run together so it reads breathlessly.

The main problem is I failed utterly at communicating the intent of the poem.
It's supposed to be about getting mad at an alarm clock, smashing it, and cutting yourself in the act.
It's exaggerated and archaic because that was supposed to be funny.
When "funny" fails, it fails painfully. Back to the drawing board.

This is a good example of the writer knowing something (alarm clock/funny)
and failing to communicate it to the reader.

Thanks for your comments.

                               
                                < aubade of vengeance >
                               
                                as dawn was busy breaking
                                i was too
                                and into pieces                 <--- The 'and' is needed to make "and in" an iamb foot
                                peace reigns o'er us now
                                or over me it does                 <-- yes that second "o'er" was supposed to be an "over"
                                a red-strewn mix of blood and dawn
                                a dawn so barely broke
                                and i have broken it
                                have beaten it to death
                                how sharper than a serpent's tooth         <--- The 'how' is needed to make "how sharp" an iamb foot
                                these razored pieces scattered out
                                a peace reigns o'or us now
                                a red-strewn peace of blood and dawn
                                its clanging never more to dread
                                its raised alarms fall'n silent, dead         <--- The one syllable "fall'n" is needed to make "fall'n si"an iamb foot
                               
                                - - -
                               

[ellajam]

I got it from the last two lines. The first read was Why's he posting gory? The second was funny.

[Truerenigma]

Free-Ranging Venerated, Creative Responses Deified

Here's a throwback you may have missed:

Amid Evil Clock's Bad Alarms

Candles light the carpet,
and darkness splits your face in halves -
one a memory, and
the other is a dream.
Dark dichotomies are haunting me.

What this lovemaking will do to your
psyche - carpet burns,
and sometimes, hellish nightmares.

Bring her back you jealous monster
shrieking high-pitched commands:
dark enslaver, controlling our minds
with indigo eyes - oh Lord of Time.

I'm set for war today.
I've cleared my calendar.
Let's duel.

I'll slay your baby dragon -
stun him with a slap,
and silence his battle cry.
If that won't work
I'll find the umbilical cord
and rip him from your bloody womb.
Try and beep now.

[rayheinrich]

I got it from the last two lines. The first read was Why's he posting gory? The second was funny.

  I thank the gods for perceptive dæmons such as yourself; bless you.

[ellajam]

I got it from the last two lines. The first read was Why's he posting gory? The second was funny.

  I thank the gods for perceptive dæmons such as yourself; bless you.

What was funny was the vehemence with which you, and it seems True too, went at it.

[rayheinrich]

Free-Ranging Venerated, Creative Responses Deified

Here's a throwback you may have missed.

And miss it I did.
I liked the added injury of it having stolen a dream.
I liked esp:

Dark dichotomies are haunting me.
...
Bring her back you jealous monster
shrieking high-pitched commands:
dark enslaver, controlling our minds
with indigo eyes - oh Lord of Time.
...
I'll find the umbilical cord
and rip him from your bloody womb.
...

I'll bet there's enough of these poems running around loose out there
to form their own "dæmon alarm clock" genre.

Poor alarm clocks, a prime example of blaming the messenger.

---

I got it from the last two lines. The first read was Why's he posting gory? The second was funny.

  I thank the gods for perceptive dæmons such as yourself; bless you.

What was funny was the vehemence with which you, and it seems True too, went at it.

Yes. I cut myself trying to pound my alarm off a few months ago. I wasn't trying to
destroy it, just turn it off (this sounds like one of those "I wasn't trying to kill him, just teach
him a lesson; I never really meant to pull the trigger." excuses you might hear from the witness stand).

The wound, BTW, wasn't that grievous and I've since "patched" up our relationship. I've put tape
over that sharp little alarm-puller-oner-pusher-offer-thingee. The clock is more than 50 years old,
the cheapest plastic one imaginable, and is a family heirloom that has been passed down for
untold (and largely forgotten) generations.

[Truerenigma]

And miss it I did.
I liked the added injury of it having stolen a dream.

Time, it seems, is always stealing my dreams.

heh
That reminds me:

My Emo Daughter Studies Body-View Physicalism with a Pessimist

Why why why why
didn't you just abort me?
I hate you I hate you
If I cut myself

it will only be a waste of blood
and even if I kill myself
I will still end up
a rotting corpse.

And you are gonna die
please don't die.

How the noble have fallen.

[rayheinrich]

And miss it I did.
I liked the added injury of it having stolen a dream.

Time, it seems, is always stealing my dreams.

heh
That reminds me:

My Emo Daughter Studies Body-View Physicalism with a Pessimist

Why why why why
didn't you just abort me?
I hate you I hate you
If I cut myself

it will only be a waste of blood
and even if I kill myself
I will still end up
a rotting corpse.

And you are gonna die
please don't die.

How the noble have fallen.

"And you are gonna die
please don't die."

Ah, love endures