Beast of burden (edit)

[Keith]

Edit 1 tectak

A heavy horse to swing my legs,
haul my slumped cargo in its cart,
parked by garden chairs.

Offer me cake to help me mend
cut off the crusts for afternoon tea,
I'll tremble crumbs for sparrows
while you flap wrapping blankets.

I want to stay,
cold is a differential
measured between hands
that will pull me back in
before the light condenses
and our sighs become visible
again.

Your story is quickly told,
standing silent in the field
a vignette in my arid soil.
I stole your best pages.

Spit polish your shoes
switch on the sign,
slip loose from the yoke.
I will wilt quietly tonight
ready to take your morning guilt
and another flower from your dress.

Original
Hot sweet tea
to normalise your afternoon,
a small piece,
a treat
to tremble crumbs for sparrows
wrapping blankets.

I won't be caught,
cold is a differential
measured between hands,
that push me in
before the light waters down
and your sighs become visible.

I glance beyond familiar,
pulling my strange cargo
driving you to an older age
a torn out page, by page.

Spit polish your shoes
switch on the sign,
leave behind the yoke.
I will wilt quiet tonight
ready to take your guilt
and the flowers from your dress.

[tectak]

Hot sweet tea
to normalise your afternoon,
a small piece,
a treat
to tremble crumbs for sparrows
wrapping blankets. There are spaces between what you are thinking and what you are writing (or think you are writing) in this stanza, Keith. It is easier for you to fill in the missing words than it is for me. I think that "piece" and "treat" should be interchanged. That's how bad it is . Then sparrows wrapping blankets?
I won't be caught,
cold is a differential
measured between hands,
that push me in Good. Very good. The whole vignette works...then it doesn't. The next two lines lose me.
before the light waters down
and your sighs become visible.

I glance beyond familiar,
pulling my strange cargo
driving you to an older age
a torn out page, by page. Quite bizarre structure. It is as if you are succumbing to medication. Words missing...familiar is an adjective not a noun...unless you are a confirmed Witch.
Spit polish your shoes
switch on the sign,
leave behind the yoke.
I will wilt quiet tonight Quietly.Why not quietly? What point?
ready to take your guilt
and the flowers from your dress.

Odd for you. Why? Am I missing something. If yes, I am not alone...or rather I am. This is languishing.
Best,
tectak

[Keith]

Hot sweet tea
to normalise your afternoon,
a small piece,
a treat
to tremble crumbs for sparrows
wrapping blankets. There are spaces between what you are thinking and what you are writing (or think you are writing) in this stanza, Keith. It is easier for you to fill in the missing words than it is for me. I think that "piece" and "treat" should be interchanged. That's how bad it is . Then sparrows wrapping blankets?
I won't be caught,
cold is a differential
measured between hands,
that push me in Good. Very good. The whole vignette works...then it doesn't. The next two lines lose me.
before the light waters down
and your sighs become visible.

I glance beyond familiar,
pulling my strange cargo
driving you to an older age
a torn out page, by page. Quite bizarre structure. It is as if you are succumbing to medication. Words missing...familiar is an adjective not a noun...unless you are a confirmed Witch.
Spit polish your shoes
switch on the sign,
leave behind the yoke.
I will wilt quiet tonight Quietly.Why not quietly? What point?
ready to take your guilt
and the flowers from your dress.

Odd for you. Why? Am I missing something. If yes, I am not alone...or rather I am. This is languishing.
Best,
tectak

Thank you Tectak all your comments are helpful, too much in my head and not on the page I will try and fill in the blanks. Best Keith