Life's labyrinth

[SomeRandom]

First poem in post is the latest revision. I'm posting older versions for perspective.

---

current version
I awoke without warning,
within labyrinth walls, stretching into the foggy recesses of the mind.
Among timeless trees I crept,
dodging python roots,
within thickets dripping in darkness,
oxygen drowning.

Eyelids forgotten, I groped the mossy walls.

With dusty limbs and paranoid visions my journey met its end.
Surrendered,
at the foot of an oak, the universe enveloped me.

---

I awoke one day without warning,
within labyrinth walls-- stretching beyond measure.
Among timeless trees I crept,
dodging python roots in thickets dripping in darkness,

Eyelids forgotten, I groped the mossy walls;
they were my eyes.

With dusty limbs and paranoid visions my journey met its end.
Surrendered,
at the foot of an oak, the universe enveloped me.

---

(((Older version)))

I awoke in a labyrinth, walls stretch beyond measure.
Timeless trees innumerable
I crept through thickets drenched in darkness
dodging roots that wrap round ankles like pythons.
Blindfolded neglected eyelids,
fears fed fire; time abandoned structure.

Suspicion grew
of my labour's scope and end,
like weeds unchecked.
Immobilized in thought,
I found myself surrendered,
resting at the foot of an oak;
I pondered the years, story and quest,
the uncertainty of existence,
futility of resistance,
familiarity of death.

---

(((Older version)))

I awoke in a labyrinth, walls stretch beyond measure.
Timeless trees innumerable, roots wrap round ankles like pythons.
I crept through thickets drenched in darkness,
Unblinking, eyelids lacking purpose,
As time abandoned structure.

Suspicion grew like weeds unchecked,
Of my direction and purpose,
Immobilized in thought I found myself surrendered,
Under this wise old oak.

I sat meekly twiddling my thumbs,
Pondering the years, story and quest,
The uncertainty of existence,
And the futility of resistance.

[billy]

much better and thanks for the layout of the edit. (older versions. )

it's getting there and it's great you're sticking with it,
a suggestion would be to flesh it out just a little two or three lines more maybe, inserted throughout the poem. half of my comments are just nits and easy to fix.

well done so far

First poem in post is the latest revision. I'm posting older versions for perspective.

---

current version

I awoke one day without warning,no need really for [one day], it's an out an out given that you woke one day. lots of good W's going on
within labyrinth walls-- stretching beyond measure. i think a comma would work better than [--] would a word such as [sight] or another word work better than [measure]
Among timeless trees I crept,
dodging python roots in thickets dripping in darkness, a suggestion would be [and] instead of the first[in] and [with] instead of the 2nd [in] i really do like the ambivalence this line creates creates.

Eyelids forgotten, I groped the mossy walls;
they were my eyes. can you better show the image, is the wall made of your eyes.

With dusty limbs and paranoid visions my journey met its end.
Surrendered,
at the foot of an oak, the universe enveloped me.

---

(((Older version)))

I awoke in a labyrinth, walls stretch beyond measure.
Timeless trees innumerable
I crept through thickets drenched in darkness
dodging roots that wrap round ankles like pythons.
Blindfolded neglected eyelids,
fears fed fire; time abandoned structure.

Suspicion grew
of my labour's scope and end,
like weeds unchecked.
Immobilized in thought,
I found myself surrendered,
resting at the foot of an oak;
I pondered the years, story and quest,
the uncertainty of existence,
futility of resistance,
familiarity of death.

---

(((Older version)))

I awoke in a labyrinth, walls stretch beyond measure.
Timeless trees innumerable, roots wrap round ankles like pythons.
I crept through thickets drenched in darkness,
Unblinking, eyelids lacking purpose,
As time abandoned structure.

Suspicion grew like weeds unchecked,
Of my direction and purpose,
Immobilized in thought I found myself surrendered,
Under this wise old oak.

I sat meekly twiddling my thumbs,
Pondering the years, story and quest,
The uncertainty of existence,
And the futility of resistance.

[SomeRandom]

I added the line: oxygen drowning and changed the line about the way the walls stretch. Thanks for the feedback billy. I've gotten this far and now I'm sort of stuck in terms of how to take the poem further. Also I removed the line about the walls being my eyes altogether, I felt it wasn't necessary.

[tectak]

First poem in post is the latest revision. I'm posting older versions for perspective.

---

current version
I awoke without warning, I question the whole validity of this line. Do you normally get a warning that you are about to wake?
within labyrinth walls, stretching into the foggy recesses of the mind. Strictly it should be labyrinthine and between not within. The rest of this line is an overbalanced cliche. The line extends way to far and this emphasizes the much used "foggy recesses of the (my?) mind"
Among timeless trees I crept, Incorrigible it is that you are. I crept amongst the timeless trees...but what is a timeless tree anyway?
dodging python roots, You have been overcome by allusion and shed the weight of metaphor. Pythons do not have roots but roots can be like pythons.Do you see?
within thickets dripping in darkness, You make things hard so "within" is overkill when "in" will do. Just drop the second "in"
oxygen drowning. Do not understand

Eyelids forgotten, I groped the mossy walls. The connection between forgotten eyelids and the requirement to grope mossy walls is not obvious...this is partly because you are outmaneuvering yourself. You are in a walled labyrinth, with tree roots (wall,tree?) but it is a thicket so dark yet you saw the walls/trees extending into foggy depths and now you are groping along moss-covered wall,er, which might be trees. Confused? I know I am

With dusty limbs and paranoid visions my journey met its end. Dust? Dust? Where the hell did the dust come from? I thought we were in a walled tree lined labyrinth stuffed full of thickets covered in damp moss on walls and yet with tree roots like pythons but invisible because it is so dark that you can barely see the fog in the distant recesses; and now it's so damned dessicated it's dusty. Huh?
Surrendered,
at the foot of an oak, the universe enveloped me. ...and with one bound he was free

Honest opinion? You are putting too much into the pot at once. It is over-seasoned and cannot be defined. The imaginative pictorial imagery comes thick and fast but there is no balanced flavour running through the piece. To mix metaphors...it is rambling. Billy is right. You need just a few clean lines with meaningful, instructive words and phrases to lift the thing up and out of the poetic gruel you are drowning in.Credit to you thus far.
Best,
tectak

---

I awoke one day without warning,
within labyrinth walls-- stretching beyond measure.
Among timeless trees I crept,
dodging python roots in thickets dripping in darkness,

Eyelids forgotten, I groped the mossy walls;
they were my eyes.

With dusty limbs and paranoid visions my journey met its end.
Surrendered,
at the foot of an oak, the universe enveloped me.

---

(((Older version)))

I awoke in a labyrinth, walls stretch beyond measure.
Timeless trees innumerable
I crept through thickets drenched in darkness
dodging roots that wrap round ankles like pythons.
Blindfolded neglected eyelids,
fears fed fire; time abandoned structure.

Suspicion grew
of my labour's scope and end,
like weeds unchecked.
Immobilized in thought,
I found myself surrendered,
resting at the foot of an oak;
I pondered the years, story and quest,
the uncertainty of existence,
futility of resistance,
familiarity of death.

---

(((Older version)))

I awoke in a labyrinth, walls stretch beyond measure.
Timeless trees innumerable, roots wrap round ankles like pythons.
I crept through thickets drenched in darkness,
Unblinking, eyelids lacking purpose,
As time abandoned structure.

Suspicion grew like weeds unchecked,
Of my direction and purpose,
Immobilized in thought I found myself surrendered,
Under this wise old oak.

I sat meekly twiddling my thumbs,
Pondering the years, story and quest,
The uncertainty of existence,
And the futility of resistance.

[SomeRandom]

Thanks for taking the time to work with me tektac, I appreciate your honesty. I'm starting to wonder if there's anything worth salvaging here. Perhaps you've done too good a job; I don't like the poem much anymore

[tectak]

Thanks for taking the time to work with me tektac, I appreciate your honesty. I'm starting to wonder if there's anything worth salvaging here. Perhaps you've done too good a job; I don't like the poem much anymore

Don't let the poem win. You are in charge of the poem, not vice versa.
Thrash the bloody thing into submission. Hack at it, cut it down,make it conform...then you may grow to love it for what it is...your creation.
Best,
tectak