Posts: 56
Threads: 22
Joined: Jul 2014
*tried posting this in Poetry For Fun..because well, I had fun writing it, but I got nothing so I'm trying here instead.
A fly is drowning in the coffee I just fixed;
we both seem to be off to rare beginnings today.
I dump the cup down the drain,
vanquishing a life in an instant adjacent to eternity.
This calls for a fresh cup of French Roast.
An anchorman speaks slowly: Robin Williams has passed away
in his Tiburon home at the age of 63.
Mornings are not reserved for rebirths.
Sweet affirming distraction, O hazelnut essence,
meet my lips, ready me for existence.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(08-15-2014, 05:00 AM)ajcohen613 Wrote: *tried posting this in Poetry For Fun..because well, I had fun writing it, but I got nothing so I'm trying here instead.
A fly is drowning in the coffee I just fixed;
we both seem to be off to rare beginnings today.
I dump the cup down the drain,
vanquishing a life in an instant adjacent to eternity.
This calls for a fresh cup of French Roast.
An anchorman speaks slowly: Robin Williams has passed away
in his Tiburon home at the age of 63.
Mornings are not reserved for rebirths.
Sweet affirming ignorance, O hazelnut essence,
meet my lips, ready me for existence.
Hello ajco,
Crit is often absent for unlikely reasons. The commonest, though shoot me if you disagree, is all to do with balance.
Let me clarify. If the effort put into writing a piece seems minimal, note that I said "seems" minimal, then the crits are disinclined to put effort into the crit.
Here you have a topical piece of short-lived news, sad but true, around which you laconically put into orbit a few words which relate only tenuously to the central issue. If you left out the Robin Williams line it would just not matter. So what does matter? Well, it would be rather nice to incorporate at least some poetical ethos. You have no rhythm, no rhyme and very little imagery, metaphor or scaffolding upon which the reader can hang his/her interpretation of the piece.So as this is now in mild crit, I shall leave it here. My advice would be to take it to a higher level; but if course, that takes effort. Try rhyming...that can be fun in a balanced way.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 56
Threads: 22
Joined: Jul 2014
(08-15-2014, 05:28 AM)tectak Wrote: (08-15-2014, 05:00 AM)ajcohen613 Wrote: *tried posting this in Poetry For Fun..because well, I had fun writing it, but I got nothing so I'm trying here instead.
A fly is drowning in the coffee I just fixed;
we both seem to be off to rare beginnings today.
I dump the cup down the drain,
vanquishing a life in an instant adjacent to eternity.
This calls for a fresh cup of French Roast.
An anchorman speaks slowly: Robin Williams has passed away
in his Tiburon home at the age of 63.
Mornings are not reserved for rebirths.
Sweet affirming ignorance, O hazelnut essence,
meet my lips, ready me for existence.
Hello ajco,
Crit is often absent for unlikely reasons. The commonest, though shoot me if you disagree, is all to do with balance.
Let me clarify. If the effort put into writing a piece seems minimal, note that I said "seems" minimal, then the crits are disinclined to put effort into the crit.
Here you have a topical piece of short-lived news, sad but true, around which you laconically put into orbit a few words which relate only tenuously to the central issue. If you left out the Robin Williams line it would just not matter. So what does matter? Well, it would be rather nice to incorporate at least some poetical ethos. You have no rhythm, no rhyme and very little imagery, metaphor or scaffolding upon which the reader can hang his/her interpretation of the piece.So as this is now in mild crit, I shall leave it here. My advice would be to take it to a higher level; but if course, that takes effort. Try rhyming...that can be fun in a balanced way.
Best,
tectak
Hmmm, thank you! To be honest, I usually stray away from rhyme. It isn't usually what I enjoy reading so I don't really enjoy writing in that way. This is not to say I hate rhyme!
I feel as if the Robin Williams lines are very important here - a fly dies (insignificant), an actor dies (media sensationalized significance) - this is the parallel I'm attempting to draw here. There was effort in writing this piece, just not painstakingly so. In regards to the lack of poetic ethos, I do get what you mean. To be fair, this is exactly how the morning unfolded. I appreciate your feedback and will consider it.
"Where there are roses we plant doubt.
Most of the meaning we glean is our own,
and forever not knowing, we ponder."
-Fernando Pessoa
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