Another Untitled Poem

[ajcohen613]

*I enjoyed writing this today and hope you enjoy reading it. All criticism is welcome.

Edit #3: Unsaid

Smokeless nights without your head on my chest
unravel inside a black hole where I am dismantled by retrospect.

The cold side of a stripped pillow brings a moment of relief,
two robins converse in a nearby treetop while the hours derail.

Everything sensory is real by default;
my thoughts reflect remnants of vast kingdoms that never were.

A war is waging, pervading the nothingness,
calling on both angels and demons to collide in the tidy limbo;

the silk sky punctured by diamonds, jalousie blinds sliced by light,
magnified sounds of other tenants moving beyond thin walls.

I could sprawl out on layers of slothful cirrus clouds
and compare you to the moon for a living.

It’s a cruel trick when the sun rises to halt my binge, my tired hands
exploring new ways to reword ” I need you “ while a lamp post clicks off.

Edit #2: Unsaid

These smokeless nights without your head on my chest
unravel inside a black hole where I am pulled apart by retrospect.

The cold side of a naked pillow trembles when touched,
coupled robins converse in nearby treetops while the hours derail.

Everything sensory is real by default;
my thoughts reflect remnants of gilded kingdoms that never were.

A war is being waged, pervading the nothingness,
bringing both angels and demons to collide in the tidy limbo;

the pure sky punctured by diamonds, jalousie blinds sliced by light,
magnified sounds of life heard through thin walls.

I could sprawl out on layers of slothful cirrus clouds
and compare you to the moon for a living.

It’s a cruel trick when the sun rises to halt my binge, my tired hands
exploring new ways to reword ” I need you “ while a lamp post forgets itself.

[billy]

enjoying it should be one of the main reasons we write

if you can write a poem, you can write a title, by not doing so we're kind of saying the poem isn't worth the trouble.

the poem:

where you can make it stronger, some parts weaken the lines you have,
Something about these
changing it to something solid will help the couplet, tthat said the opening couplet feels very weak in general, make it the the strongest or second strongest couplet you have, it has to hold the reader's attention and pull them into the poem. you do capture the feel of loneliness so work on making it stand out more.

sorry if i went over the top with the feedback, use or discard what you will

*I enjoyed writing this today and hope you enjoy reading it. All criticism is welcome.

Something about these long smokeless nights
without your head resting on my chest. head on chest is pretty cliche

The cold side of a naked pillow having doubts, is the pillow having doubts?
birds conversing in rumbling treetops while time derails.

Everything sensory is real by default;
my ideas are mere remnants of gilded kingdoms that never were. no need of [mere] for me this is probably your best line/couplet, I think many of us have similar dreams or aspirations that we think of when alone.

A war is being waged, pervading in the nothingness, no need for [in]
bringing both angels and demons to collide in the tidy limbo, [the tidy] feels forced, for me the line is much better with out them

the pure sky punctured by diamonds, jalousie blinds sliced by light,
magnified sounds of life heard through thin walls. this is what your aiming for, here you've created an image that shows us the silence of the room compared to the world outside.

I could sprawl out on layers of dallying cirrus clouds
and compare you to the moon for a living.

It’s a cruel trick when the sun rises to halt my binge, my spilling brain
exploring new ways to say ” I love you “ without saying it.

[ellajam]

Hi, aj, about titles. I suck at them but reading here makes it so clear how important they are. What I've been doing is just coming up with the best I can think of then changing it with the edits as something better comes to mind. Give it a try, it's just another skill to be developed. Here are some notes.

*I enjoyed writing this today and hope you enjoy reading it. All criticism is welcome.

Something about these long smokeless nights
without your head resting on my chest. If you're going to tell me what that something is, do you need this line?

The cold side of a naked pillow having doubts, I like how the unused pillow is cold, not sure you need naked.
birds conversing in rumbling treetops while time derails. I'm having a hard time hearing why treetops are rumbling, is it windy? Not sure what this line adds.

Everything sensory is real by default;
my ideas are mere remnants of gilded kingdoms that never were. While these lines are blunt, they appeal to me, you may not need "my ideas are mere".

A war is being waged, pervading in the nothingness,
bringing both angels and demons to collide in the tidy limbo, Meh on the angels and demons, cliche, but the tidy limbo is interesting.

the pure sky punctured by diamonds, jalousie blinds sliced by light, Pure? Useless to me.
magnified sounds of life heard through thin walls. This puts me there, but I think "magnified sounds of" could be cut or replaced with something that indicates how it makes you feel.

I could sprawl out on layers of dallying cirrus clouds dallying is too much for me.
and compare you to the moon for a living. This is a funny line, I like it, though easier said than done.

It’s a cruel trick when the sun rises to halt my binge, my spilling brain
exploring new ways to say ” I love you “ without saying it. I like the cruel trick, but the rest is a bit bulky.

On the whole I find the piece overly descriptive, I think you could pick and choose the fine bits and piece them into something unique. Good luck with it, and name it.

[ajcohen613]

I will try my best not to be bummed and will try revising this! Thanks for reading.

---

A title has been added (hastily) and edits have been made!

[ajcohen613]

More edits have been made.. definitely some major changes.

[billy]

the edit's coming along (no one said it would be easy or quick ) but you will get there and will love the journey once you've arrived at the final destination. well done so far.

*I enjoyed writing this today and hope you enjoy reading it. All criticism is welcome.

Edit #2: Unsaid

These smokeless nights without your head on my chest no need for [these]
unravel inside a black hole where I am pulled apart by retrospect. the [by retrospect] is really a given. i for me it doesn't add to the line.

The cold side of a naked pillow trembles when touched, no it doesn't, it might flatten it might be silent under your touch but i doubt it trembles.
coupled robins converse in nearby treetops while the hours derail. coupled (even thouh i know what you mean) sound a bit porny, would paired or a coupe of or simply two robins , or even just robins, you have a lot of better word choices that coupled me thinks

Everything sensory is real by default;
my thoughts reflect remnants of gilded kingdoms that never were.

A war is being waged, pervading the nothingness,
bringing both angels and demons to collide in the tidy limbo;

the pure sky punctured by diamonds, jalousie blinds sliced by light,
magnified sounds of life heard through thin walls.

I could sprawl out on layers of slothful cirrus clouds
and compare you to the moon for a living.

It’s a cruel trick when the sun rises to halt my binge, my tired hands
exploring new ways to reword ” I need you “ while a lamp post forgets itself.


Edit #1: Unsaid

These smokeless nights without your head resting on my chest
unravel inside a black hole where I am pulled apart by your memory.

The cold side of a naked pillow trembles when touched,
birds converse in domestic treetops while time derails.

Everything sensory is real by default;
my thoughts reflect remnants of gilded kingdoms that never were.

A war is being waged, pervading the nothingness,
bringing both angels and demons to collide in the tidy limbo,

the pure sky punctured by diamonds, jalousie blinds sliced by light,
magnified sounds of life heard through thin walls.

I could sprawl out on the layers of slothful cirrus clouds
and compare you to the moon for a living.

It’s a cruel trick when the sun rises to halt my binge, my spilling brain
exploring new ways to say ” I need you “ without saying it.

Rough Draft

Something about these long smokeless nights
without your head resting on my chest.

The cold side of a naked pillow having doubts,
birds conversing in rumbling treetops while time derails.

Everything sensory is real by default;
my ideas are mere remnants of gilded kingdoms that never were.

A war is being waged, pervading in the nothingness,
bringing both angels and demons to collide in the tidy limbo,

the pure sky punctured by diamonds, jalousie blinds sliced by light,
magnified sounds of life heard through thin walls.

I could sprawl out on layers of dallying cirrus clouds
and compare you to the moon for a living.

It’s a cruel trick when the sun rises to halt my binge, my spilling brain
exploring new ways to say ” I love you “ without saying it.

[ajcohen613]

the edit's coming along (no one said it would be easy or quick ) but you will get there and will love the journey once you've arrived at the final destination. well done so far.

*I enjoyed writing this today and hope you enjoy reading it. All criticism is welcome.

Edit #2: Unsaid

These smokeless nights without your head on my chest no need for [these]
unravel inside a black hole where I am pulled apart by retrospect. the [by retrospect] is really a given. i for me it doesn't add to the line.

The cold side of a naked pillow trembles when touched, no it doesn't, it might flatten it might be silent under your touch but i doubt it trembles.
coupled robins converse in nearby treetops while the hours derail. coupled (even thouh i know what you mean) sound a bit porny, would paired or a coupe of or simply two robins , or even just robins, you have a lot of better word choices that coupled me thinks

Everything sensory is real by default;
my thoughts reflect remnants of gilded kingdoms that never were.

A war is being waged, pervading the nothingness,
bringing both angels and demons to collide in the tidy limbo;

the pure sky punctured by diamonds, jalousie blinds sliced by light,
magnified sounds of life heard through thin walls.

I could sprawl out on layers of slothful cirrus clouds
and compare you to the moon for a living.

It’s a cruel trick when the sun rises to halt my binge, my tired hands
exploring new ways to reword ” I need you “ while a lamp post forgets itself.


Edit #1: Unsaid

These smokeless nights without your head resting on my chest
unravel inside a black hole where I am pulled apart by your memory.

The cold side of a naked pillow trembles when touched,
birds converse in domestic treetops while time derails.

Everything sensory is real by default;
my thoughts reflect remnants of gilded kingdoms that never were.

A war is being waged, pervading the nothingness,
bringing both angels and demons to collide in the tidy limbo,

the pure sky punctured by diamonds, jalousie blinds sliced by light,
magnified sounds of life heard through thin walls.

I could sprawl out on the layers of slothful cirrus clouds
and compare you to the moon for a living.

It’s a cruel trick when the sun rises to halt my binge, my spilling brain
exploring new ways to say ” I need you “ without saying it.

Rough Draft

Something about these long smokeless nights
without your head resting on my chest.

The cold side of a naked pillow having doubts,
birds conversing in rumbling treetops while time derails.

Everything sensory is real by default;
my ideas are mere remnants of gilded kingdoms that never were.

A war is being waged, pervading in the nothingness,
bringing both angels and demons to collide in the tidy limbo,

the pure sky punctured by diamonds, jalousie blinds sliced by light,
magnified sounds of life heard through thin walls.

I could sprawl out on layers of dallying cirrus clouds
and compare you to the moon for a living.

It’s a cruel trick when the sun rises to halt my binge, my spilling brain
exploring new ways to say ” I love you “ without saying it.

Thanks for the feedback. I've been obsessively working on this piece lately (it's 4 in the morning where I am) and I am currently happy with where I'm at. Let me know what you think of the new edits if you'd like.