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This needs to get better, but being as it is mine I feel like I'm being too delicate with the dismantling that brings that betterness. The second poem I've ever done. Tear it up.
Cradle moon 'O cradle moon,
hanged so slight up in the sky,
watching not with such intent,
don't you think that we ask why?
Math and science some will say,
drapes your lash and lid so low,
but I know a lover's tryst,
halves your glancing silver glow.
Like a lady you'd not gaze,
on those entwined 'neath your light,
yet too thrilled to look away,
from the secrets of your night.
“The writing of poetry is a chancy business, it's currency solitude and loss, its tools coffee and too much wine, its hours midnight, dawn, and dusk, and unlike other trade the hours asleep are not time off.” - Keith Miller, The Book of Flying
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(06-28-2014, 10:18 AM)S.M. Bondurant Wrote: This needs to get better, but being as it is mine I feel like I'm being too delicate with the dismantling that brings that betterness. The second poem I've ever done. Tear it up.
Cradle moon 'O cradle moon, -- I'm not sure about the repetition of cradle moon and the word O' it sort of shadows the whole poem.
hanged so slight up in the sky, -- The word "so" sounds as if it was padded to fit a meter.
watching not with such intent, -- The syntax seems a bit awkward here.
don't you think that we ask why? - I see this type of thing a lot in poetry, it seems akin to that meme "Magnets, how do they work?"
Math and science some will say,
drapes your lash and lid so low,
but I know a lover's tryst,
halves your glancing silver glow.
Like a lady you'd not gaze,
on those entwined 'neath your light, -- I wish we could still use some of those archaic words such as "yonder" and the various elided words found in older poetry, but I think it is generally frowned upon today. Therefore, I would consider your use of the word 'neath. Isn't the moon actually reflected light or something.
yet too thrilled to look away,
from the secrets of your night. -- I worry about your rhymes here; glaring rhymes can cheapen a poem.
There is a lot of poetic history about the moon including a lot that makes it the feminine counterpart to the sun or something or the guiding force for the insane, and of course there are the tides and what not. In the end, though I'm not an astrologist, it seems to be a rock in vacuous space. Still, it does look like a cradle in some of its formations. I don't know if you were alluding to something or not.
I don't think this was so bad, I struggle in writing this stuff myself. I left some notes, thanks for posting.
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I'm not sure if this wanted to be an old English throw back or a country song. If you are going to add on "o" and "neath" to give your poem more of a genre then you need more throughout to make it cohesive or leave them out altogether. I liked it more when I pictured you penciling this down in cowboy boots with your buddy playing banjo alongside. Give your mind a place to hang out like that and I'm sure your third poem will be much more consistent, keep writing.
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(06-28-2014, 10:18 AM)S.M. Bondurant Wrote: This needs to get better, but being as it is mine I feel like I'm being too delicate with the dismantling that brings that betterness. The second poem I've ever done. Tear it up.
Cradle moon 'O cradle moon, You are talking to the moon as an owl to a pussycat. Narrative is never easy in poetry as one tends to wax over-lyrical. Try to keep the texture of your work consistent rather than go from romantic overkill to factualising in such a few lines. So, for me.
Above me swung the cradle moon,
hanging silent in the sky;
watching but with slight intent
yet still I wonder why.
....your poem, and my words are not your words. Just explanatory.
hanged so slight up in the sky, Hanged is wrong(hung or hanging)anyway, and "hanged slight" is doubly so. What do you mean? ( and if you explain clearly then I will ask you why did you not say that, then, in the first place?). "So" is a polyfiller.
watching not with such intent,
don't you think that we ask why?
Math and science some will say, Maths. Mathematics is never singular as a noun.
drapes your lash and lid so low,
but I know a lover's tryst,
halves your glancing silver glow. I should not be expected to work so hard for meaning. Here are the key words. Math,science,lash,lid, tryst,glancing,glow. If forced under threat of having my favourite eye sliced with a blunt fish knife then I would probably come up with the same as you...but it is your choice which words you use. Change them.
Like a lady you'd not gaze,
on those entwined 'neath your light,
yet too thrilled to look away,
from the secrets of your night. Now just stop right now and READ this stanza...not for the sake of the words but for the MEANING. Why wouldn't a lady gaze. Mine does. Why would "we" be entwined...and how? Obviously, we are talking lovers, here. Entwined bodies. Fine. Simple. But your metaphorical lady/moon does not gaze, then does gaze ( does not turn away as it is all too thrilling) and why worry? It's a well lit secret. No. Write clearly. That's all. The rest WILL follow. In spite if everything you have a nice concept here, if a little second-hand. Treat it differently and you could get something out of it....but as always, what you get out is directly related to what you put in. Be sure of what you want to say, then put it another way.
Best and welcome.
tectak
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I won't respond to everything but I did want to hit on a few points that were posted about.
Jwrite: You can keep picturing me penciling it out in my cowboy boots, that is what I always wear and I certainly was when writing this. I did think long on whether or not I should have any hints of old english in there at all, and I thought about removing it all together but it worked well for me where I used it in keeping each line at seven syllables - something I'm finding out isn't required. I did remove an instance of b'neath before posting it! I should have kept going.
Brownlie: I'm not sure I get your magnets reference and I don't know what a meme is. Could you specify more into what you're saying by that, was it just the presence of a question in the poetry or one with such an obvious answer? That said, thank you for your advice on the glaring rhymes and the archaic words. As I mentioned above, I was torn on including them at all, they fell into place as a way to make the meter work. Or what I thought was working meter. Using words for that reason is something I'm going to have to watch out for, because it seems easy for me to do.
Tectak: COULD YOU BE ANY MORE OF AN ARSEHOLE?
..I'm just kidding, truly. Though everyone's feedback has been helpful, I think yours will help me to refine this piece the best. It was very clear (unlike my poem). The only thing that I would disagree with is the why wouldn't a lady gaze bit. I wanted to represent the moon as a demure lady that was too shy to watch the lover's wholly but too thrilled by the act to look away completely. Representing the moon in that way might be cliche, but it was central to the idea that I based this around, that the phases of the moon are no product of mathematics or science but of the actions of those below her, in this case a pair of lovers that have her attention. When I rewrite this piece eventually I will do my best to make this more clear without the reader having to dig through the words to divine the meaning.
Thank you again to everyone who has responded and given feedback to this. I am still very new and I appreciate the time you've put into helping me to get better. I have a lot to learn, and I'm even still learning how much I have to still learn. Know that I am taking into consideration even the points you've made that I did not directly respond to here.
“The writing of poetry is a chancy business, it's currency solitude and loss, its tools coffee and too much wine, its hours midnight, dawn, and dusk, and unlike other trade the hours asleep are not time off.” - Keith Miller, The Book of Flying
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(06-29-2014, 06:28 AM)S.M. Bondurant Wrote: I won't respond to everything but I did want to hit on a few points that were posted about.
Jwrite: You can keep picturing me penciling it out in my cowboy boots, that is what I always wear and I certainly was when writing this. I did think long on whether or not I should have any hints of old english in there at all, and I thought about removing it all together but it worked well for me where I used it in keeping each line at seven syllables - something I'm finding out isn't required. I did remove an instance of b'neath before posting it! I should have kept going.
Brownlie: I'm not sure I get your magnets reference and I don't know what a meme is. Could you specify more into what you're saying by that, was it just the presence of a question in the poetry or one with such an obvious answer? That said, thank you for your advice on the glaring rhymes and the archaic words. As I mentioned above, I was torn on including them at all, they fell into place as a way to make the meter work. Or what I thought was working meter. Using words for that reason is something I'm going to have to watch out for, because it seems easy for me to do.
Tectak: COULD YOU BE ANY MORE OF AN ARSEHOLE?
..I'm just kidding, truly. Though everyone's feedback has been helpful, I think yours will help me to refine this piece the best. It was very clear (unlike my poem). The only thing that I would disagree with is the why wouldn't a lady gaze bit. I wanted to represent the moon as a demure lady that was too shy to watch the lover's wholly but too thrilled by the act to look away completely. Representing the moon in that way might be cliche, but it was central to the idea that I based this around, that the phases of the moon are no product of mathematics or science but of the actions of those below her, in this case a pair of lovers that have her attention. When I rewrite this piece eventually I will do my best to make this more clear without the reader having to dig through the words to divine the meaning.
Thank you again to everyone who has responded and given feedback to this. I am still very new and I appreciate the time you've put into helping me to get better. I have a lot to learn, and I'm even still learning how much I have to still learn. Know that I am taking into consideration even the points you've made that I did not directly respond to here. Good egg,
keep writing,
Best,
tectak
Was "Could you be any more of an arsehole?" a request? 
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As most of the bone has been picked clean, and my mind is weary, I'll pick on this one meter irregularity. That is not to say the rest is correctly metered, it's just that this one caught my fancy because you went out of your way to abbreviate a word you did not need to.
"on those entwined 'neath your light," --> "on those entwined beneath your light," regular iambic tetrameter.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(06-29-2014, 07:47 AM)Erthona Wrote: As most of the bone has been picked clean, and my mind is weary, I'll pick on this one meter irregularity. That is not to say the rest is correctly metered, it's just that this one caught my fancy because you went out of your way to abbreviate a word you did not need to.
"on those entwined 'neath your light," --> "on those entwined beneath your light," regular iambic tetrameter.
Dale
Thank you for your thoughts, Erthona. Pointing that out to me actually helps a bit to clear up some of the misunderstanding I was having about meter. There's a post just above this one called Basic Meter that I've really been meaning to sit down and read, along with some of the other good information that I've browsed through on here.
“The writing of poetry is a chancy business, it's currency solitude and loss, its tools coffee and too much wine, its hours midnight, dawn, and dusk, and unlike other trade the hours asleep are not time off.” - Keith Miller, The Book of Flying
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check out the meter section, it's great for helping the poet lay down a rhythm.
Cradle moon 'O cradle moon,
hanged so slight up in the sky, hanged so slight doesn't work
watching not with such intent,
don't you think that we ask why?
Math and science some will say,
drapes your lash and lid so low,
but I know a lover's tryst,
halves your glancing silver glow.
Like a lady you'd not gaze,
on those entwined 'neath your light, beneath
yet too thrilled to look away,
from the secrets of your night.
the things i mentioned are to bolster some of what others have said.
edits are the poets manure keep at it.
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I'm not so sure about the line - Like a lady you'd not gaze
I still agree with Tectak- How is not gazing associated with ladies?
you said - I wanted to represent the moon as a demure lady that was too shy to watch the lover's wholly but too thrilled by the act to look away completely -- I get that imagery but i feel it could apply to any shy person, or even child.
You've stated it as a characteristic of a lady - so it reads a bit 1950's, get with the times style to me 
Like a lady who'd not gaze - maybe?
It does have nice rhythm and simple rhyming that works
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(07-24-2014, 02:13 PM)Joshua Wrote: I liked it
Please note that you are posting pointlessly vague and unhelpful crit. "I liked it" is the mark of a troll. Please consider this a warning.
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