Lingering in Time

[loocerie]

Steadfastly, time moves
in unwavering motions,
captured in clockworks.

Understood in hours,
an unspoken history
marks the past.

Days pass, unrelenting,
realizing the sadness
in golden sunsets.

[Brownlie]

Maybe something like time is understood in hours. I think there's some poem by Emily Dickinson about time that goes in a circle like a clock or something. Of course that poem is about death as well I think. I'm not thinking too clear right now but that might help.

[ellajam]

Hi, loocerie, welcome.
While the simplicity has an appeal to it, for me there were some tripping points that kept the poem from coming together. Here are some notes:

Steadfastly, time moves
in unwavering motions,
captured in clockworks.
I'm not a fan of motion coming on the heels of moves, I think you could probably come up with a more effective word here.

Understood in hours,
an unspoken history
marks the past.
What else would history do but mark the past, and if it's understood in hours, are you talking about just the last day? I don't understand your point here.

Days pass, unrelenting,
realizing the sadness
in golden sunsets.
The days realize the sadness? If the point is that time passing is sad, the poem hasn't told me why.

This may be clearer to others, or you may want to tweak it. Thanks for posting, and again, welcome to the site.

[tectak]

Too many words can muck things up. So, I'll simply say, I like this.

Not valid critique.Mod.

[Erthona]

Steadfastly, time moves (Instead of "steadfastly", I would use "steadily")
in unwavering motions, (motion seems redundant if you have already stated "time moves")
captured in clockworks. (maybe "within" instead of in)
Understood in hours,
an unspoken history
marks the past. (I don't really get how and unspoken history marks the past)
Days pass, unrelenting,
realizing the sadness
in golden sunsets. (Who realizes "the sadness in golden sunsets", and is it an inherent trait? Are all golden sunsets sad?)


Dale