Mechanized Man (Edit #1)

[gernseeker]

(Edit #1 - thanks tec, ella, bena - my own comments below)

Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s dead legs,
we pity you, who schemes to make time fast.
Worse, at day’s end you oddly dare to beg
of Fortune that this year won’t be your last.

Your body rests but tight wound mind refutes
this choice: define your time or be defined
too soon. You wake, a fool, believing truth
this lie: that life’s a race, you fell behind.

Instead, a wiser man will cherish how
each breath delights, each breath’s a life begun.
He’ll split a second slowly then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must envy the wise man: his clock ticks not.




Mechanized Man (original)

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s rote tasks
Invents grand schemes to rapidly ratchet his gears,
Then, spent, at day’s death, on weary knee asks
Of Fortune this: the luck to live long years.

His body rests but mind tight wound attends
A measured choice so stark: define my time
Or life’s by time defined. He wakes, pretends
This truth’s a lie. He’ll keep each beat in line.

Alarms are silenced quick. Today allows
Another chance, another pace to run,
Just split a second slowly now, and now
Divide; divided moments shine undone.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
Envies the one now dead: His clock ticks not.




First of all – thank you for the critique of the original.

I placed the theme of the sonnet in the dead center of the poem so it’s almost impossible to miss. It was there before but now clearer and yes, less inverted. Tec, the theme was not meant to be “life sucks then you die” but rather that if you don’t find value (beauty?) in each moment your life is wasted. I hope that message is much louder now.

Regarding your critique that poem and theme aren’t worth the number of lines I’ve used to explore – I’ll politely disagree. The Mechanized Man may be familiar to all of us but his hubris is not, as is often expounded, his sleepwalking (sleepwaking?) through life. I posit that a greater irony is his paradoxically wanting to rush through his days to slack his misery, then in the same breath wishing to live forever, all the while missing the trick to long life - don't lose a moment. Many of us are this man and worse, deny it. Thus, I thought 14 lines of thoughts on the subject not egregious. I think the point you made valid though – I had too much stuffing and not enough meat.

Great edits from all – a couple of those inversions were silly, and the second and third stanzas needed a complete rework

I hope I’ve given the reader some distance from the MM through the use of we/you as well as inserting the pity line. Also, I’ve added a foil to offer a little hope (and further distance) in an otherwise dark poem: the wiser man. I *hate* “wiser man” but can’t find another word to describe him, yet. "Slower man"? Open to suggestions.

Obviously, a poem about time could approach meter in many ways. In this rewrite I feel I rushed, not finding all (or any) of the weighty spondees or speedy dactyls and anapests available. For instance, in this edit I’ve lost something I loved: the speed with which (in the original) the second line and its final two anapests demanded, in the face of 12 syllables instead of 10. This worked so beautifully with the idea of the MM rushing through a long (12 beats) day. It’s gone now – but that type of meter meeting meaning is delicious to my ear. Maybe it comes back in the next rewrite. Worse i've got a pesky pyrrhic in the second foot of line 4 which, unless you force yourself to accent "that" makes the line read a little hitchy.

OK – a lot’s changed – I look forward to your comments.


(A little about me – I like traditional forms and actually think the inversions that strict meter often leads to can be quite pretty. The act of deciphering more complicated inversions the second time through a reading is an opportunity for me to ponder meaning, seek for more, and it is an enjoyable part of my poetry reading process (really!). I’m aware it’s thought little of in modern poetry. That’s fine with me.

Also, I’m obsessed with rhythm – I come from a musical family. The poetry I write (and most that I enjoy reading) strives to be read aloud with any cadence, syncopation, or metrical flair it may contain. I look for rhythm in free verse right from the start as well. If there’s no obvious metronome to be discovered I hope at least to find clever turns and rhythm meaningful to the moment in the poem.

My current circumstances are unfortunate - I'm to report to prison for a 3 1/3 to 10 year term on July 21. Thus, our workshopping will have to done this week. I hope I can spend some of my time away working on poetry. Mechanized Man is the first poem I've written in 22 years, and I'd forgotten how much I enjoy trying to work out the puzzle that is an unfinished idea and an unfinished poem. Cheers!)

[Leanne]

Hi there -- I'm just going to address the edit cold, but before I do, I must say that although you are in a difficult situation you're definitely among the right people here. We're a bunch of reprobates Hopefully you can stay active in the workshop while you're in... the workshop.

Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s dead legs,
we pity you, who schemes to make time fast. -- two uses of "who" are a tiny bit monotonous -- my suggestion is "we pity you; you scheme to make time fast."
Worse, at day’s end you oddly dare to beg -- "oddly" is odd, but obviously not incorrect and I have no alternative at this time. It just stands out, although I get what you're trying to say.
of Fortune that this year won’t be your last.

Your body rests but tight wound mind refutes -- tight-wound
this choice: define your time or be defined
too soon. You wake, a fool, believing truth -- ok, this is an inversion that just seems to be forced by leaving out words -- personally, I'm not keen on the idea that the form dictates your grammar, but if you like inversions then fine.
this lie: that life’s a race, you fell behind.

Instead, a wiser man will cherish how
each breath delights, each breath’s a life begun. -- the repetition is a bit much
He’ll split a second slowly then, and now -- "then" strikes me as a filler word
divide – divided moments shine, undone. -- this repetition works, however, because of the slight meaning shift.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must envy the wise man: his clock ticks not. -- this line puts emphasis on "the", which is not ideal. Perhaps "is envious of he whose clock ticks not."

Your meter is mostly solid throughout and you do have a good sense of sound. The concept of the poem is good and your volta splits the poem distinctly into the two parts of a sonnet, which is always a pleasure to encounter.

A few little tweaks are all that are needed here.

[gernseeker]

Hi there -- I'm just going to address the edit cold, but before I do, I must say that although you are in a difficult situation you're definitely among the right people here. We're a bunch of reprobates Hopefully you can stay active in the workshop while you're in... the workshop.

Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s dead legs,
we pity you, who schemes to make time fast. -- two uses of "who" are a tiny bit monotonous -- my suggestion is "we pity you; you scheme to make time fast."
Worse, at day’s end you oddly dare to beg -- "oddly" is odd, but obviously not incorrect and I have no alternative at this time. It just stands out, although I get what you're trying to say.
of Fortune that this year won’t be your last.

Your body rests but tight wound mind refutes -- tight-wound
this choice: define your time or be defined
too soon. You wake, a fool, believing truth -- ok, this is an inversion that just seems to be forced by leaving out words -- personally, I'm not keen on the idea that the form dictates your grammar, but if you like inversions then fine.
this lie: that life’s a race, you fell behind.

Instead, a wiser man will cherish how
each breath delights, each breath’s a life begun. -- the repetition is a bit much
He’ll split a second slowly then, and now -- "then" strikes me as a filler word
divide – divided moments shine, undone. -- this repetition works, however, because of the slight meaning shift.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must envy the wise man: his clock ticks not. -- this line puts emphasis on "the", which is not ideal. Perhaps "is envious of he whose clock ticks not."

Your meter is mostly solid throughout and you do have a good sense of sound. The concept of the poem is good and your volta splits the poem distinctly into the two parts of a sonnet, which is always a pleasure to encounter.

A few little tweaks are all that are needed here.

Leanne thanks!

I've got a fix for the "who" which gives me a now unexpected slow pacing for the second line - almost like time mocking the MM who is scheming to speed it along:

2 we pity your schemes to make time move fast


oddly *is* odd. I either like it or I'm not sure. the MM is crazy to try and rush through time and then have as much possible - so it is an "odd" request. Maybe "boldy"? not sure yet.

tight-wound is a appreciated.

Line 7 - yeah...I know...I'm still thinking about it too

Line 10 has been altered a little - remember the repetition, like the repetition of seconds, is conceptually meaningful here. How about this though:

Line 10 this breath delights, that breath's a life begun

This also accomplishes a nice balance with line 11 - this...that...then...now...

And in this case the "then", paired with "now", has much more meaning that a "then" in other contexts, I think, considering the topic.

The last line, although possibly needing a change, can't give up "his clock ticks not" which when spoken sounds like a ticking clock... Let me try to get the emphasis off of the "the" though - you're right it does niggle.

Also - unless its universally hated I want to change "dead" to "lead" in line 1.

I'll be back!

[bena]

I like the alliteration and assonance of lead legs.

[gernseeker]

Hi there -- I'm just going to address the edit cold, but before I do, I must say that although you are in a difficult situation you're definitely among the right people here. We're a bunch of reprobates Hopefully you can stay active in the workshop while you're in... the workshop.

Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s dead legs,
we pity you, who schemes to make time fast. -- two uses of "who" are a tiny bit monotonous -- my suggestion is "we pity you; you scheme to make time fast."
Worse, at day’s end you oddly dare to beg -- "oddly" is odd, but obviously not incorrect and I have no alternative at this time. It just stands out, although I get what you're trying to say.
of Fortune that this year won’t be your last.

Your body rests but tight wound mind refutes -- tight-wound
this choice: define your time or be defined
too soon. You wake, a fool, believing truth -- ok, this is an inversion that just seems to be forced by leaving out words -- personally, I'm not keen on the idea that the form dictates your grammar, but if you like inversions then fine.
this lie: that life’s a race, you fell behind.

Instead, a wiser man will cherish how
each breath delights, each breath’s a life begun. -- the repetition is a bit much
He’ll split a second slowly then, and now -- "then" strikes me as a filler word
divide – divided moments shine, undone. -- this repetition works, however, because of the slight meaning shift.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must envy the wise man: his clock ticks not. -- this line puts emphasis on "the", which is not ideal. Perhaps "is envious of he whose clock ticks not."

Your meter is mostly solid throughout and you do have a good sense of sound. The concept of the poem is good and your volta splits the poem distinctly into the two parts of a sonnet, which is always a pleasure to encounter.

A few little tweaks are all that are needed here.

OK - Edited and better I think. I made the second "breath" better, I hope. Fixed oddly - maybe. "day-end's"...hyphenated? Not "day's end's" surely?

I found a *much* better line 14 - allowed me to add another timepiece - with a double meaning no less!



(Edit #2)


Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs,
we pity your scheming to make time move fast.
Worse, at day-end’s last beat you dare to beg
for fortune that this year won’t be your last.

Your body rests but tight-wound mind refutes
this choice: define your time or be defined
too soon. You wake, a fool, believing truth
this lie: that life’s a race, you fell behind.

Instead, a wiser man will cherish how
this breath delights, that death’s a life begun.
He’ll split a second slowly then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must watch the wiser man: his clock ticks not.

[Truerenigma]

I just want to say that I am impressed with the workshopping going on in this thread and the previous - on both sides. I will try to contribute some later this afternoon when I have the time to do it justice.

[Leanne]

I almost hate to say it... but your new L2 has an extra syllable that mucks up the meter, and not in a good way

L3 & 4 are better though, and L10 manages to get sound repetition, which works. The last line is much improved, with the pun on "watch". Great workshopping.

[Truerenigma]

besides, do "we" actually pity the scheming itself, or the man? "for fortune that.." is a bit unnatural too: not the sonics, but the phrase. Maybe beg of fortune? hmm... I see you already had that once. Neither are ordeal but I think of may be better.

[gernseeker]

OK - it's not there yet but here's the latest.
I've actually reworked the first quatrain to get a nice progressing structure of "each day", "slow month" and "wasted years" which I now like.

I've made a couple cosmetic substitutions, and I've added an anapest to open line 8. It gives me 11 syllables for the line of course but now is more readable and still flows nicely I think.

I've added a question mark to the end of line 4 - which I feel works.

Last line fixed.

Last biggee, I hope, is to somehow rework line 2 to include running anapests or dactyls at the end to give the line the speed that is spoken of. I'm 100% open to suggestions. Otherwise, as it sits, it's *ironic* I suppose, a line speaking of speed but moving slowly with a fifth foot spondee, but I'd rather something approximating the rapidly ratcheting of first version.

All comments have been really appreciated and considered, without exception.

Here is Edit #3



Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs,
we grieve to see you scheme to move time fast.
But worse, as slow months crawl you sadly beg
to know these wasted years won’t be your last?

Your body’s spent and tight-wound mind refutes
clear choice: define your time or be defined
too soon. You sleep, a fool, denying truth
with a lie: your life’s a race, you fell behind.

Instead, the wiser man will cherish how
this breath delights, that death’s a new life won.
He’ll split a second gently then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must watch the man who lives: his clock ticks not.

[Truerenigma]

The anacrusis seems to work fine in L8, plus it rids you of that niggling inversion. You might try something like it in L2 to pick up the line, but anything other than the first foot would probably seem superfluous, and it may not work as well so early in the poem anyway. It seems to work neatly with the more regular meter anyway as the overall idea of the stanza seems to be he /tries/ but / can't/.

L5: your body's mind is problematic and indicative of filler.

[tectak]

OK - it's not there yet but here's the latest.
I've actually reworked the first quatrain to get a nice progressing structure of "each day", "slow month" and "wasted years" which I now like.

I've made a couple cosmetic substitutions, and I've added an anapest to open line 8. It gives me 11 syllables for the line of course but now is more readable and still flows nicely I think.

I've added a question mark to the end of line 4 - which I feel works.

Last line fixed.

Last biggee, I hope, is to somehow rework line 2 to include running anapests or dactyls at the end to give the line the speed that is spoken of. I'm 100% open to suggestions. Otherwise, as it sits, it's *ironic* I suppose, a line speaking of speed but moving slowly with a fifth foot spondee, but I'd rather something approximating the rapidly ratcheting of first version.

All comments have been really appreciated and considered, without exception.

Here is Edit #3



Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs,
we grieve to see you scheme to move time fast. A we worry. Who are we? Are we us? Difficult, this, because you put the reader into the writer's mindset without permission. I do not like ittyness but " ..it grieves to see you...." just gets out of the problem, returning the thinking to where "it" belongs
But worse, as slow months crawl you sadly beg
to know these wasted years won’t be your last? You only begged the question You didn't ask...so no question mark

Your body’s spent and tight-wound mind refutes
clear choice: define your time or be defined
too soon. You sleep, a fool, denying truth
with a lie: your life’s a race, you fell behind. I don't entirely see this. What is the lie? Surely,life IS a race and you pointedly imply that the "you" fell behind. Wot lie?

Instead, the wiser man will cherish how Though I like this in its entirety I am struck by the clumsiness of structure. Challenge. Make a sentence indicating how to cherish.Does your's fill the requirement? To cherish how breath delights is not clear. Yes? To cherish the thought/memory of how breath delights, maybe.
this breath delights, that death’s a new life won. As I said, it sounds better in its entirety than in its parts. Once this line is examined in strong light I find the sense evaporates under the heat of scrutiny.
He’ll split a second gently then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone Again, and I am sorry, but the words no longer mesmerise me. What does it MEAN?

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot, How does one count his singular lot? This is my lot...one...oh, no more lots...so it's one then. Now, look, I am doing my job,here. OK
must watch the man who lives: his clock ticks not. As a conclusion, it is inconclusive. I get the feeling you ran downhill to get here. Sonnet sucker

So where are we? Well, I believe we are at the beginning...not the end. It is worth workshopping BUT you will tie yourself in knots with lofty aspirations of juggling with anapests, trochees, dactyls and spondees... to mix metaphors. Get the thing to make complete unmistakable sense, read it out loud to your dustbin man, find a man in a pub, tell it to a traffic warden....observe reactions....or just record yourself reading it and feel proud. Once posted here, I am sorry, but we will try to improve it
Best,
tectak

[gernseeker]

OK - it's not there yet but here's the latest.
I've actually reworked the first quatrain to get a nice progressing structure of "each day", "slow month" and "wasted years" which I now like.

I've made a couple cosmetic substitutions, and I've added an anapest to open line 8. It gives me 11 syllables for the line of course but now is more readable and still flows nicely I think.

I've added a question mark to the end of line 4 - which I feel works.

Last line fixed.

Last biggee, I hope, is to somehow rework line 2 to include running anapests or dactyls at the end to give the line the speed that is spoken of. I'm 100% open to suggestions. Otherwise, as it sits, it's *ironic* I suppose, a line speaking of speed but moving slowly with a fifth foot spondee, but I'd rather something approximating the rapidly ratcheting of first version.

All comments have been really appreciated and considered, without exception.

Here is Edit #3



Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs,
we grieve to see you scheme to move time fast. A we worry. Who are we? Are we us? Difficult, this, because you put the reader into the writer's mindset without permission. I do not like ittyness but " ..it grieves to see you...." just gets out of the problem, returning the thinking to where "it" belongs
But worse, as slow months crawl you sadly beg
to know these wasted years won’t be your last? You only begged the question You didn't ask...so no question mark

Your body’s spent and tight-wound mind refutes
clear choice: define your time or be defined
too soon. You sleep, a fool, denying truth
with a lie: your life’s a race, you fell behind. I don't entirely see this. What is the lie? Surely,life IS a race and you pointedly imply that the "you" fell behind. Wot lie?

Instead, the wiser man will cherish how Though I like this in its entirety I am struck by the clumsiness of structure. Challenge. Make a sentence indicating how to cherish.Does your's fill the requirement? To cherish how breath delights is not clear. Yes? To cherish the thought/memory of how breath delights, maybe.
this breath delights, that death’s a new life won. As I said, it sounds better in its entirety than in its parts. Once this line is examined in strong light I find the sense evaporates under the heat of scrutiny.
He’ll split a second gently then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone Again, and I am sorry, but the words no longer mesmerise me. What does it MEAN?

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot, How does one count his singular lot? This is my lot...one...oh, no more lots...so it's one then. Now, look, I am doing my job,here. OK
must watch the man who lives: his clock ticks not. As a conclusion, it is inconclusive. I get the feeling you ran downhill to get here. Sonnet sucker

So where are we? Well, I believe we are at the beginning...not the end. It is worth workshopping BUT you will tie yourself in knots with lofty aspirations of juggling with anapests, trochees, dactyls and spondees... to mix metaphors. Get the thing to make complete unmistakable sense, read it out loud to your dustbin man, find a man in a pub, tell it to a traffic warden....observe reactions....or just record yourself reading it and feel proud. Once posted here, I am sorry, but we will try to improve it
Best,
tectak

re: offering critique: I completely understand tec. I would expect nothing less from the community. If improvement isn't the goal then posting here would be some combination of vanity and masochism - odd bedfellows.

Let me address some of your comments right now, upon waking, before diving in again today.

The "we" *is* a worry. After the first version I thought creating some distance from the MM for the reader would lighten the mood and give room for considering MM's actions. Quickly, rewrote with "him/he's" we get the following - which may be workable too -

Mechanized Man (he instead of you - no other changes, 'cept the deleted question mark - meant for comparison with "you" version")

***
Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs,
we grieve to see him scheme to move time fast.
But worse, as slow months crawl he sadly beg’s
to know these wasted years won’t be his last

His body’s spent and tight-wound mind refutes
clear choice: define his time or be defined
too soon. He sleeps, a fool, denying truth
with a lie: his life’s a race, he fell behind.

Instead, the wiser man will cherish how
this breath delights, that death’s a new life won.
He’ll split a second gently then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must watch the man who lives: his clock ticks not.
***

I'll have to think about it - might be better there.

As for the second stanza - I disagree! I don't see life as a race like MM does, but instead a series of moments that beauty (and misery, and wonder and...) can be found in. What's more, depending upon how you choose to receive/perceive each moment, you can find as many as you choose to find.

Thus the quality of life is not (for me) measured by the number of years and accomplishments ticked of the list during that time, but instead by the immeasurable wonder I experience by living fully every moment. I think if I were zen student I might call this "being always present" - not looking forward or backwards.

re cherish...I see your point completely. The word may require a different structure.

As for the meaning of the third quatrain - see above.

I agree that the lines lose meaning when they stand alone - but Is that not inevitable? To be fair I didn't intend lines 9 and 11 to contain in themselves any great meaning as they are both part of enjambments with 10 and 12 respectively.

And again, here the wiser man "cherishs" (up for discussion) each breath, even each little death (exhalation) begins the cycle of life anew for him. Put simply, he finds joy even in breathing. Further, in lines 11-12 he finds that even split seconds show their beauty (shine) when discovered (undone). The wiser man is delighting in his own existence, the act of breathing, the moments even between breaths, the act of living, and he's finding great joy where the MM only finds tedium and wishes the moments to pass as quickly as possible.

As for the couplet...let me think about that. I *did* run downhill to it, but not every poem is sprung from the head spontaneously, fully formed and armed for battle like Athena! Of course this worked is pieced together.

OK - back to work - that he/you issue is now choking me.

THANK YOU tec! (and all)

[bena]

Well, I'm glad you at least have a good grasp of several directions you can take with this, and thankful that the good sonneteers have shown up to give advice. At least you have lots to think about. And we'll still be here when you get out =)

Don't you get any time online to restricted sites in jail? Seems like they would let you get on for things to improve yourself as a person, but then, in benaville there is only idealism.

In case I don't get to talk to you soon, good luck to you and write lots. If rules are the same here, I think they will let you use felt tipped pens.

bena

[gernseeker]

Well, I'm glad you at least have a good grasp of several directions you can take with this, and thankful that the good sonneteers have shown up to give advice. At least you have lots to think about. And we'll still be here when you get out =)

Don't you get any time online to restricted sites in jail? Seems like they would let you get on for things to improve yourself as a person, but then, in benaville there is only idealism.

In case I don't get to talk to you soon, good luck to you and write lots. If rules are the same here, I think they will let you use felt tipped pens.

bena

Thanks bena - no internet but felt tipped pens and pencils even. 3 1/3 minimum affords plenty of time to write. The problem is, of course, finding quality critique.

---

Edit 5(ish)

Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs
will cheat, he sets his watch five minutes fast
to make slow months crawl quickly but still begs
to know these hurried years won’t be his last.

His body’s spent and tight-wound mind refutes
clear choice: define his time or be defined
too soon. He sleeps, a fool, denying truth
with a lie: his life’s a race, he fell behind.

Instead, the wiser man will treasure how
this breath delights, that death’s a new life won.
He’ll split a second gently then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must watch the man who lives: his clock ticks not.



tec I'm ok with "lot" - it can mean allotment and the allotment is plainly of time within the context of the poem.

reworked first stanza - much simpler now.

Went with "treasure" instead of "cherish". I considered "measure" as well, but the wiser man is less about measuring and more about treasuring, I think.

[tectak]

OK - it's not there yet but here's the latest.
I've actually reworked the first quatrain to get a nice progressing structure of "each day", "slow month" and "wasted years" which I now like.

I've made a couple cosmetic substitutions, and I've added an anapest to open line 8. It gives me 11 syllables for the line of course but now is more readable and still flows nicely I think.

I've added a question mark to the end of line 4 - which I feel works.

Last line fixed.

Last biggee, I hope, is to somehow rework line 2 to include running anapests or dactyls at the end to give the line the speed that is spoken of. I'm 100% open to suggestions. Otherwise, as it sits, it's *ironic* I suppose, a line speaking of speed but moving slowly with a fifth foot spondee, but I'd rather something approximating the rapidly ratcheting of first version.

All comments have been really appreciated and considered, without exception.

Here is Edit #3



Mechanized Man

Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs,
we grieve to see you scheme to move time fast. A we worry. Who are we? Are we us? Difficult, this, because you put the reader into the writer's mindset without permission. I do not like ittyness but " ..it grieves to see you...." just gets out of the problem, returning the thinking to where "it" belongs
But worse, as slow months crawl you sadly beg
to know these wasted years won’t be your last? You only begged the question You didn't ask...so no question mark

Your body’s spent and tight-wound mind refutes
clear choice: define your time or be defined
too soon. You sleep, a fool, denying truth
with a lie: your life’s a race, you fell behind. I don't entirely see this. What is the lie? Surely,life IS a race and you pointedly imply that the "you" fell behind. Wot lie?

Instead, the wiser man will cherish how Though I like this in its entirety I am struck by the clumsiness of structure. Challenge. Make a sentence indicating how to cherish.Does your's fill the requirement? To cherish how breath delights is not clear. Yes? To cherish the thought/memory of how breath delights, maybe.
this breath delights, that death’s a new life won. As I said, it sounds better in its entirety than in its parts. Once this line is examined in strong light I find the sense evaporates under the heat of scrutiny.
He’ll split a second gently then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone Again, and I am sorry, but the words no longer mesmerise me. What does it MEAN?

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot, How does one count his singular lot? This is my lot...one...oh, no more lots...so it's one then. Now, look, I am doing my job,here. OK
must watch the man who lives: his clock ticks not. As a conclusion, it is inconclusive. I get the feeling you ran downhill to get here. Sonnet sucker

So where are we? Well, I believe we are at the beginning...not the end. It is worth workshopping BUT you will tie yourself in knots with lofty aspirations of juggling with anapests, trochees, dactyls and spondees... to mix metaphors. Get the thing to make complete unmistakable sense, read it out loud to your dustbin man, find a man in a pub, tell it to a traffic warden....observe reactions....or just record yourself reading it and feel proud. Once posted here, I am sorry, but we will try to improve it
Best,
tectak

re: offering critique: I completely understand tec. I would expect nothing less from the community. If improvement isn't the goal then posting here would be some combination of vanity and masochism - odd bedfellows.

Let me address some of your comments right now, upon waking, before diving in again today.

The "we" *is* a worry. After the first version I thought creating some distance from the MM for the reader would lighten the mood and give room for considering MM's actions. Quickly, rewrote with "him/he's" we get the following - which may be workable too -

Mechanized Man (he instead of you - no other changes, 'cept the deleted question mark - meant for comparison with "you" version")

***
Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs,
we grieve to see him scheme to move time fast.
But worse, as slow months crawl he sadly beg’s AAAARRRGGGGHHHH! begs!
to know these wasted years won’t be his last period

His body’s spent and tight-wound mind refutes Try.." Body spent and tight-wound mind refutes...
clear choice: define his time or be defined
too soon. He sleeps, a fool, denying truth
with a lie: his life’s a race, he fell behind.

Instead, the wiser man will cherish how
this breath delights, that death’s a new life won. Lose "that". "death is a new life won."
He’ll split a second gently then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must watch the man who lives: his clock ticks not. Hmmm
***

I'll have to think about it - might be better there.

As for the second stanza - I disagree! I don't see life as a race like MM does, but instead a series of moments that beauty (and misery, and wonder and...) can be found in. What's more, depending upon how you choose to receive/perceive each moment, you can find as many as you choose to find.

Thus the quality of life is not (for me) measured by the number of years and accomplishments ticked of the list during that time, but instead by the immeasurable wonder I experience by living fully every moment. I think if I were zen student I might call this "being always present" - not looking forward or backwards.

re cherish...I see your point completely. The word may require a different structure.

As for the meaning of the third quatrain - see above.

I agree that the lines lose meaning when they stand alone - but Is that not inevitable? To be fair I didn't intend lines 9 and 11 to contain in themselves any great meaning as they are both part of enjambments with 10 and 12 respectively.

And again, here the wiser man "cherishs" (up for discussion) each breath, even each little death (exhalation) begins the cycle of life anew for him. Put simply, he finds joy even in breathing. Further, in lines 11-12 he finds that even split seconds show their beauty (shine) when discovered (undone). The wiser man is delighting in his own existence, the act of breathing, the moments even between breaths, the act of living, and he's finding great joy where the MM only finds tedium and wishes the moments to pass as quickly as possible.

As for the couplet...let me think about that. I *did* run downhill to it, but not every poem is sprung from the head spontaneously, fully formed and armed for battle like Athena! Of course this worked is pieced together.

OK - back to work - that he/you issue is now choking me.

THANK YOU tec! (and all)

[gernseeker]

So where are we? Well, I believe we are at the beginning...not the end. It is worth workshopping BUT you will tie yourself in knots with lofty aspirations of juggling with anapests, trochees, dactyls and spondees... to mix metaphors. Get the thing to make complete unmistakable sense, read it out loud to your dustbin man, find a man in a pub, tell it to a traffic warden....observe reactions....or just record yourself reading it and feel proud. Once posted here, I am sorry, but we will try to improve it
Best,
tectak

re: offering critique: I completely understand tec. I would expect nothing less from the community. If improvement isn't the goal then posting here would be some combination of vanity and masochism - odd bedfellows.

Let me address some of your comments right now, upon waking, before diving in again today.

The "we" *is* a worry. After the first version I thought creating some distance from the MM for the reader would lighten the mood and give room for considering MM's actions. Quickly, rewrote with "him/he's" we get the following - which may be workable too -

Mechanized Man (he instead of you - no other changes, 'cept the deleted question mark - meant for comparison with "you" version")

***
Mechanized Man, who dreads each day’s lead legs,
we grieve to see him scheme to move time fast.
But worse, as slow months crawl he sadly beg’s AAAARRRGGGGHHHH! begs!
to know these wasted years won’t be his last period

His body’s spent and tight-wound mind refutes Try.." Body spent and tight-wound mind refutes...
clear choice: define his time or be defined
too soon. He sleeps, a fool, denying truth
with a lie: his life’s a race, he fell behind.

Instead, the wiser man will cherish how
this breath delights, that death’s a new life won. Lose "that". "death is a new life won."
He’ll split a second gently then, and now
divide – divided moments shine, undone.

Mechanized Man, who strains to count his lot,
must watch the man who lives: his clock ticks not. Hmmm
***

I'll have to think about it - might be better there.

As for the second stanza - I disagree! I don't see life as a race like MM does, but instead a series of moments that beauty (and misery, and wonder and...) can be found in. What's more, depending upon how you choose to receive/perceive each moment, you can find as many as you choose to find.

Thus the quality of life is not (for me) measured by the number of years and accomplishments ticked of the list during that time, but instead by the immeasurable wonder I experience by living fully every moment. I think if I were zen student I might call this "being always present" - not looking forward or backwards.

re cherish...I see your point completely. The word may require a different structure.

As for the meaning of the third quatrain - see above.

I agree that the lines lose meaning when they stand alone - but Is that not inevitable? To be fair I didn't intend lines 9 and 11 to contain in themselves any great meaning as they are both part of enjambments with 10 and 12 respectively.

And again, here the wiser man "cherishs" (up for discussion) each breath, even each little death (exhalation) begins the cycle of life anew for him. Put simply, he finds joy even in breathing. Further, in lines 11-12 he finds that even split seconds show their beauty (shine) when discovered (undone). The wiser man is delighting in his own existence, the act of breathing, the moments even between breaths, the act of living, and he's finding great joy where the MM only finds tedium and wishes the moments to pass as quickly as possible.

As for the couplet...let me think about that. I *did* run downhill to it, but not every poem is sprung from the head spontaneously, fully formed and armed for battle like Athena! Of course this worked is pieced together.

OK - back to work - that he/you issue is now choking me.

THANK YOU tec! (and all)

Is that the Royal We?