Stones

[Tiger the Lion]

Stones

The moon must be our biggest fan;
faithfully attending our every night,
with never a discouraging twist
in all those crescent smiles-
at leaping cows,
he humors our myths,

through cumulus blinking,
and the static of space,
through whimsical, teenage black storms,
shit fog, and shittier smog-
and light pollution – never judging,

through all these cartoon nights alone,
He shines
and has shone
like a stone,
as if, in love with a stone.

[Leanne]

It was all going really well until the last couple of lines, when I was left thinking "well, how does a stone shine"? My ideas:

He shines
as only a stone in the sky can shine,
in love with the rock
we stand on

or something like that...

I really do like those first two stanzas though -- the cow must seem quite ridiculous to a celestial body

[QDeathstar]

I was unaware that stones shine. This poem made me giggle.



I think you should keep it as is, but add a stanza

And baby,
We ain't nothin
but two stones.



Thats what i got from it.

[just mercedes]

Incomprehensibly
exclusively
ee

[Tiger the Lion]

Leanne, I agree the last stanza is not quite right. I wanted so badly to rhyme shone with stone that I may have been distracted from writing a stronger ending. Also, see comment to QDS below.

QDS, (and Leanne) I can't be the first ever to talk of a moon shining? Strictly speaking, of course stones do not shine. They only relfect. But we talk about moons or diamonds shining all the time don't we? But when the first 2 comments both have the same concern, I have to give that concern consideration. And I will. Shine was also meant as a compliment to the moon of sorts- like a person who shines in their field.

I hope you giggled with me and not at me.
I also enjoyed your ending proposal.

merc, I almost understand your comment.

Thank you all for taking the time to read and comment. I may actually spend some more time with this. - Paul

[QDeathstar]

I meant that it actually me giggle, i can't put my finger on why though....

[poe]

"..crescent smiles-at leaping cows, he humors our myths, through cumulus blinking, and the static of space." Nice images and spin on ideas.
"shit fog and shittier smog."-theses lines stink up a beautiful poem. Couldn't you come up with a more creative (poetic) description of fog and smog?
Otherwise, I liked this piece.
Thanks.

[Tiger the Lion]

"..crescent smiles-at leaping cows, he humors our myths, through cumulus blinking, and the static of space." Nice images and spin on ideas.
"shit fog and shittier smog."-theses lines stink up a beautiful poem. Couldn't you come up with a more creative (poetic) description of fog and smog?
Otherwise, I liked this piece.
Thanks.

Thanks for reading and commenting Poe. The observation about the fog/smog line is interesting because I think you're right. The line has never changed since the first scribbling of this. I was always happy with the meaning but now I agree with you that the "shit" is uglier texture than needed. Full credit when I get to a rewrite.
Sincere thanks. - Paul

[poe]

"..crescent smiles-at leaping cows, he humors our myths, through cumulus blinking, and the static of space." Nice images and spin on ideas.
"shit fog and shittier smog."-theses lines stink up a beautiful poem. Couldn't you come up with a more creative (poetic) description of fog and smog?
Otherwise, I liked this piece.
Thanks.

Thanks for reading and commenting Poe. The observation about the fog/smog line is interesting because I think you're right. The line has never changed since the first scribbling of this. I was always happy with the meaning but now I agree with you that the "shit" is uglier texture than needed. Full credit when I get to a rewrite.
Sincere thanks. - Paul

Looking Forward!

[billy]

Stones

The moon must be our biggest fan;
faithfully attending our every night,
with never a discouraging twist
in all those crescent smiles-
at leaping cows,
he humors our myths,

through cumulus blinking,
and the static of space,
through whimsical, teenage black storms,
shit fog, and shittier smog- i like this line as it uses the word; shit. i'd remove the and though
and light pollution – never judging,

i think this stanza if is a real keeper, it has pensive quality about it.

through all these cartoon nights alone,
He shines
and has shone
like a stone, use a good or better simile
as if, in love with a stone.