Posts: 204
Threads: 57
Joined: Jan 2013
Sometimes I can feel my neck crack back,
repulse cut forward.
This shit isn’t for you,
much as you’d like it.
I could have been unsullied,
you’d still call me whore.
Everyone had their turn with your words.
It makes you the harlot,
and I the dick to shove it in.
-------
Sometimes I can feel my neck crack back,
repulse cut forward.
This shit isn’t for you,
much as you’d like it.
I could have been unsullied,
you’d still call me whore.
Everyone had their turn with your words.
It makes you the harlot,
and I the Dick, to shove it in.
I'll be there in a minute.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Hi,
The one problem I have is in the last line, how can you be the thing that you are going to shove in? Linguistically it just doesn't make sense, even though I can infer your intent, it is for me at least disruptive to the poem. On the other hand I really enjoyed the second stanza, a very nice play on words. Very sarcaustic (Yeah, it's a made up word satiric+caustic).
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 204
Threads: 57
Joined: Jan 2013
Dale, how'd you get so many stars?
Gimme some.
I'll be there in a minute.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
I'm so bright my mother called me Son!  Just ask Leanne, or some other unnamed mod (Billy) and they will give you many stars.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 1,325
Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
(06-28-2014, 04:16 AM)newsclippings Wrote: Dale, how'd you get so many stars?
Gimme some.
I think he gets one for each time he manages to work his sig into a critique.
Hi, News. 
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(06-27-2014, 01:01 PM)newsclippings Wrote: Sometimes I can feel my neck crack back,
repulse cut forward.
This shit isn’t for you,
much as you’d like it.
I could have been unsullied,
you’d still call me whore.
Everyone had their turn with your words.
It makes you the harlot,
and I the dick to shove it in. -- Maybe capitalize Dick so it clearly doubles as a generic male name and their emblematic organ. A comma after I might also help.
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
(06-28-2014, 04:26 AM)ellajam Wrote: (06-28-2014, 04:16 AM)newsclippings Wrote: Dale, how'd you get so many stars?
Gimme some.
I think he gets one for each time he manages to work his sig into a critique.
Hi, News.
Dale has no idea about which you are talking, in Dale's humble opinion
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 204
Threads: 57
Joined: Jan 2013
(06-28-2014, 03:26 PM)Brownlie Wrote: (06-27-2014, 01:01 PM)newsclippings Wrote: Sometimes I can feel my neck crack back,
repulse cut forward.
This shit isn’t for you,
much as you’d like it.
I could have been unsullied,
you’d still call me whore.
Everyone had their turn with your words.
It makes you the harlot,
and I the dick to shove it in. -- Maybe capitalize Dick so it clearly doubles as a generic male name and their emblematic organ. A comma after I might also help.
I quite like your suggestion, but I still dunno about the comma.
I'll be there in a minute.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
it reminds me of game of thrones. unsullied is an utterlly amazing word.
is the reader the whore and the poetry/poet the penis
i have no idea why but i love the thing. (not sure if that's allowed but i think it is in miscellaneous. )
he got the stars from having a high post count.
(06-27-2014, 01:01 PM)newsclippings Wrote: Sometimes I can feel my neck crack back,
repulse cut forward.
This shit isn’t for you,
much as you’d like it.
I could have been unsullied,
you’d still call me whore.
Everyone had their turn with your words.
It makes you the harlot,
and I the dick to shove it in. is [it] needed?
-------
Posts: 204
Threads: 57
Joined: Jan 2013
Shove it in shove it in.
Fresh for 60 days~~~pfth
I'll be there in a minute.
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