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The council provided
all the extras
each time she opened her legs.
He wore two tone brogues,
drove a Ford Capri
for cigarettes and six packs,
a shell suited pop
to the corner shop.
She was always heavy
with the next claim
and stayed in bed nursing
hangovers back to sleep,
while children took care
of her and each other.
I can still see their eyes,
being dragged
from failed double glazing,
older sisters would cover mouths,
in case a social worker called,
shouting through the letter box
into the hall.
They played with Marlboro
building blocks,
stacked on soiled bedroom rugs,
taxi's there and back to school
for clean clothes
and ever so grateful lice jumped hugs.
Dad was kind on Friday nights
before they slammed
and locked the door,
he would leave a bag of chips
in the middle of the floor.
One between seven,
was quite a competition
when the youngest was three
and the eldest, eleven.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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"in case a social worker calls," --> "in case a social worker called,"
A couple of comments, even though it is in Miscellaneous Poetry.
Maybe "Wingtips" instead of "brogues" unless it is intentional to have racial overtones.
Even though I have known situations almost as bad, this one is just extreme enough, to make it seem as though it could not be real; from the description, it seems the children would all have starved of hunger quite some time ago. I think it needs to be believable to be effective.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Joined: Oct 2012
(07-01-2014, 08:48 AM)Erthona Wrote: "in case a social worker calls," --> "in case a social worker called,"
A couple of comments, even though it is in Miscellaneous Poetry.
Maybe "Wingtips" instead of "brogues" unless it is intentional to have racial overtones.
Even though I have known situations almost as bad, this one is just extreme enough, to make it seem as though it could not be real; from the description, it seems the children would all have starved of hunger quite some time ago. I think it needs to be believable to be effective.
Dale
Many thanks Dale it is a true tale I wasn't trying to say they only had one bag of chips a week it was more the point that the parents thought it ok to go out drinking all night leaving an eleven year old in charge with what they thought was a treat for Fridays tea. Thanks for the other points I made some quick changes. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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Thinking back through your poetic endeavors that I've read, it seems to me that you're developing some real poetic control (of course there's always backing and filling). I mean that not in the sense of one who knows much about poetry and its devices, but rather just as a reader who finds it easier and easier to get drawn into your poems and carried through to the end.
Or something like that.
You can't hate me more than I hate myself. I win.
"When the spirit of justice eloped on the wings
Of a quivering vibrato's bittersweet sting."
Posts: 848
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(07-03-2014, 02:48 AM)NobodyNothing Wrote: Thinking back through your poetic endeavors that I've read, it seems to me that you're developing some real poetic control (of course there's always backing and filling). I mean that not in the sense of one who knows much about poetry and its devices, but rather just as a reader who finds it easier and easier to get drawn into your poems and carried through to the end.
Or something like that.
Hi NN
You are very kind, its always good to get feedback, the technical side of poetry has me lost in its forest so its great that the site has members with an all seeing eye that can offer us breadcrumbs home, thank you. Best Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
