Shadow's Embrace

[rowens]

When the space becomes tight,
and the candle too bright
Snuff out the sight that confines.

This makes sense.


When the moment that breaks,
shatters all the light
Crawl back to the place where the senses don't hide.

This makes less sense. Nothing has to make sense, but it doesn't sound good either. Nothing has to sound nice, but it could sound better.
You don't need the comma.


In darkness it repeats,
coiling through the sun that it heats
Calling out to the Creatures of the Night that she needs.

Choose emptiness and you will find Her.

The last two lines say everything that needs to be said. Maybe you could try wording things differently.

[S.M. Bondurant]

When the space becomes tight,
and the candle too bright
Snuff out the sight that confines.

I liked this opening stanza. I feel like it is a very strong start. If I were going to change anything about it as a reader, it would be changing sight to light in line three. Of course that would disrupt your use of the world light in the next stanza..

When the moment that breaks,
shatters all the light
Crawl back to the place where the senses don't hide.

I see where you were going with this stanza. Your instance of using 'the' and 'all' in line two throws that line off for me though. It might sound better to use one or the other and you would still convey the same meaning - my suggestion would be to keep the 'all' so that you're not repeating too many uses of 'the'. Your first stanza sets a few precedents to me that don't seem followed through in this stanza, like the rhyme in each line and the short, snappiness of the line. Rather, there are no more rhymes in this second stanza and the third line drags out a bit.

In darkness it repeats,
coiling through the sun that it heats
Calling out to the Creatures of the Night that she needs.

Choose emptiness and you will find Her.

The second line in this stanza doesn't make very much sense to me. I feel like you could take the last, longest line, change some wording, and make it into two separate lines that would complete this stanza.

Do keep in mind that all of my suggestions are those of an extremely novice poet himself, so they're all just suggestions from a reader about what would make this piece sound better to him. Thank you for sharing it.

[Erthona]

"When the space becomes tight,
and the candle too bright Snuff out the sight that confines."

That's as far as I'll go with the line by line. This poem seems primarily predicated on rhymes, with more or less nonsensical lines thrown in between to either take up space or appear profound, when they are not. Either that or the writer has some actual idea in his head, but doesn't know how to clearly express it.


Dale

[billy]

if using rhyme, make them all work or they all fail.
the other thing that really lets it down is the meter.

you start off with lines of 6,6,7. syllables
try and keep that a constant. at the moment it feels too ambiguous, give the reader something solid if only in a couple of lines.

When the space becomes tight,
and the candle too bright
Snuff out the sight that confines. i have to admit to like the 1st two lines but can't understand the 3rd one.

When the moment that breaks,
shatters all the light
Crawl back to the place where the senses don't hide.

In darkness it repeats,
coiling through the sun that it heats
Calling out to the Creatures of the Night that she needs.

Choose emptiness and you will find Her.

[S.M. Bondurant]

if using rhyme, make them all work or they all fail.
the other thing that really lets it down is the meter.

you start off with lines of 6,6,7. syllables
try and keep that a constant. at the moment it feels too ambiguous, give the reader something solid if only in a couple of lines.

When the space becomes tight,
and the candle too bright
Snuff out the sight that confines. i have to admit to like the 1st two lines but can't understand the 3rd one.

When the moment that breaks,
shatters all the light
Crawl back to the place where the senses don't hide.

In darkness it repeats,
coiling through the sun that it heats
Calling out to the Creatures of the Night that she needs.

Choose emptiness and you will find Her.

To me, in reading this, the whole first stanza seemed to sort of say: if you're looking around and everything feels too confined.. blow out the candle. Take away the sense that is making you feel confined. Which was why I thought it might be better to switch sight for light and let sight be implied. I thought it was a good direction to start a piece with and offered a lot to work off of in later stanzas.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it.