Derailed

[Tiger the Lion]

Been juggling the bones of this too long.


Derailed

A morning stretch,
through malaise,
hung over,
recounting:

a derailed night,
spent wading,
in deep brown eyes,
bottomless stout
and chocolate fountains.

I lost my train of thought,
at least
three
stops
before that dark decadence.

Somewhere in that dark,
I lost my train of thought.

[Brownlie]

Been juggling the bones of this too long.


Derailed -- I feel like you should put something about night train in here. I once heard a guy say he liked it because it had a twist off cap.

A morning stretch, -- I think your poem suffers from a lack of concrete nouns. You may want to make a list of all the physical details you see.[/b
through malaise, -- [b]What does this tell us about malaise?
hung over,

recounting: -- I feel a list of concrete details would make the poem more powerful.

a derailed night, -- The figurative use of derailed has been used quite a bit.

spent wading,
in deep brown eyes,
bottomless stout -- I like that you relate brown eyes to stout which is brown in color.

and chocolate fountains. -- I'm not so sure about chocolate fountains my mind wanders towards the scatological.

I lost my train of thought,
at least
three
stops -- Three stops is interesting, but maybe you could elaborate on how you not only lost your train of thought (which is a cliché) but how you lost it in three stops.
before that dark decadence.

Somewhere in that dark,
I lost my train of thought.

Well, I think I can definitely relate to your point, but you use some clichés and a lot of abstractions that I feel may be more effective in the form of concrete nouns. Hope that helps.

[Tiger the Lion]

Been juggling the bones of this too long.


Derailed -- I feel like you should put something about night train in here. I once heard a guy say he liked it because it had a twist off cap.

A morning stretch, -- I think your poem suffers from a lack of concrete nouns. You may want to make a list of all the physical details you see.[/b
through malaise, -- [b]What does this tell us about malaise?
hung over,

recounting: -- I feel a list of concrete details would make the poem more powerful.

a derailed night, -- The figurative use of derailed has been used quite a bit.

spent wading,
in deep brown eyes,
bottomless stout -- I like that you relate brown eyes to stout which is brown in color.

and chocolate fountains. -- I'm not so sure about chocolate fountains my mind wanders towards the scatological.

I lost my train of thought,
at least
three
stops -- Three stops is interesting, but maybe you could elaborate on how you not only lost your train of thought (which is a cliché) but how you lost it in three stops.
before that dark decadence.

Somewhere in that dark,
I lost my train of thought.

Well, I think I can definitely relate to your point, but you use some clichés and a lot of abstractions that I feel may be more effective in the form of concrete nouns. Hope that helps.

Thanks Brownlie, for the read and the honest crit. You are right about my abstracts/cliches. It's a writing habit I'm trying to work through. I seem to lean toward propping up an abstract with a cliche. Concrete nouns, concrete nouns... I'll figure it out.
Sorry for dragging you through a scatological moment. Unintentional.
Thanks again. - Paul

[QDeathstar]

I read this poem a few times and basically for me it is hard to tell what is going on exactly.

Here is what I got:


You woke up feeling guilty (but maybe not regretting) what you did last night.

Last night you went out to a bar, popular with black people...


I guess chocolate fountain could be a sex move, and since your looking for brown eyed women and booze, idk. I'll go with that.


If I go with that, I assume that the "loosing trains of thoughts" has to do with drinking enough beer to loose your inhibitions enough to participate in your "chocolate fountain"


I'm not getting end....

[LorettaYoung]

Been juggling the bones of this too long.


Derailed

A morning stretch,
through malaise,
hung over,
recounting:

a derailed night,
spent wading,
in deep brown eyes,
bottomless stout
and chocolate fountains.

I lost my train of thought,
at least
three
stops
before that dark decadence.

Somewhere in that dark,
I lost my train of thought.

---

Hi Tiger: I like the feeling of malaise that runs throughout the poem; a consistent tone. I ask why you state you lost you train of through before and during dark decadence. Best Loretta

[Tiger the Lion]

I read this poem a few times and basically for me it is hard to tell what is going on exactly.

Here is what I got:


You woke up feeling guilty (but maybe not regretting) what you did last night.

Last night you went out to a bar, popular with black people...


I guess chocolate fountain could be a sex move, and since your looking for brown eyed women and booze, idk. I'll go with that.


If I go with that, I assume that the "loosing trains of thoughts" has to do with drinking enough beer to loose your inhibitions enough to participate in your "chocolate fountain"


I'm not getting end....

Thanks QDS. First order of business: I must ditch the chocolate fountain!! Haha. The connotation is not what I was aiming for. I still need a decadent dark food here, but I'll adjust. I think you got most of what was going on except I wanted to show that the speaker lost integrity before the dark women, dark stout and ummmm rich foods. I think I can fix that grammatically. Thanks for your help. - Paul

---

Been juggling the bones of this too long.


Derailed

A morning stretch,
through malaise,
hung over,
recounting:

a derailed night,
spent wading,
in deep brown eyes,
bottomless stout
and chocolate fountains.

I lost my train of thought,
at least
three
stops
before that dark decadence.

Somewhere in that dark,
I lost my train of thought.

---

Hi Tiger: I like the feeling of malaise that runs throughout the poem; a consistent tone. I ask why you state you lost you train of through before and during dark decadence. Best Loretta

Thanks for reading and commenting Loretta. I absolutely meant BEFORE. So thanks for pointing out my error in the second last line. I'm wondering if I need the last 2 lines at all. - Paul